


Life is made up by a string of moments (Get Inside My Soul)

by angelivenantium



Series: Get Inside My Soul [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Artist Castiel, Athlete Dean, Bullying, Character Development, Depression, Developing Relationship, Drugs, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Enemies to Lovers, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, First Kiss, First Meetings, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Get Inside My Soul, Grunge, Hipster Castiel, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Indie Music, Kissing, M/M, Music, New York City, POV Castiel, Panic Attacks, Protective Dean Winchester, Secret Relationship, Smoking, Underage Drinking, no self-blaming Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-23
Updated: 2014-03-23
Packaged: 2018-01-15 09:32:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 49,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1300087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelivenantium/pseuds/angelivenantium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas Novak is in senior year in high school, has a thing for huge sweaters, cigarettes and Starbucks, and in his experience, life is insufferable. He spends most of his time drowning it all out with music, a pencil in his hand or by getting high whenever the opportunity arises, and he doesn't expect anything to change that miserable fact.</p><p>Although, life doesn't always turn out the way you expect it to, does it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cornerstone

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically 'Get Inside My Soul' from Cas' point of view, which means that yes, this fic is based on another one, (I just couldn't keep my hands off) although it's perfectly fine to just dive straight into this one without having read the first one. 
> 
> Because of the nature of this work I would like to point out that drug use can cause mayor consequences on a person's health and so can alcohol, especially before your brain is fully developed, which is around 25. I do not recommend taking drugs and if anyone started using them because of this fanfic then I'll be very disappointed in myself. Grown up talk - finished.
> 
> There's music references in there so if you want to, you can go and follow the Spotify list I made for this through this link: http://open.spotify.com/user/b588810/playlist/18VyPiynSYdDEyMSTgYxZA 
> 
> or, because 8track hates me, go to the Youtube list through this link: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLcWSp4KxhSHAIftoyNzHPUQoFUXoYE2OK

“I want you to go out with me.”

Okay, so here’s what Cas knew. Dean Winchester was just another one of those arrogant, self-centred jocks who slept around with everything female that moved and thought shouting names after people was their constitutional right, which made him more or less into Cas' opposite. He’d never spoken a word to Cas during the three years Dean had been at the school, which perfectly followed the natural order in Cas’ opinion. And that’s pretty much it, because Cas never paid more attention to any of the sports douches than he had to. Dean’s group of people is also a constant reminder that Cas’ little sister, Claire, was bullied for most of her school years and that Cas still didn’t know who it was that made her feel as shitty as she did. 

So why Dean Winchester was standing two feet away from Cas’ face in the middle of the school entrance and asking _him_ out was miles beyond him. Cas’ head was still pounding with the hangover he’d woken up with, he had a Starbucks latte in one hand and his white iPhone in the other, one earphone playing ‘Feels like we’re only going backwards’ by Tame Impala in his ear, and quickly coming to terms that he didn’t have time for this kind of bullshit at 10.30 in the morning.

“Is this some kind of joke?” he muttered and put his earphone in again. Dean instantly reached out and just pulled it out, making him frown in annoyance.

“No, it’s not,” he said. “I’m seriously asking you out here.”

Cas removed his earphones completely, holding them between his fingers that also held the phone. He was getting tired of how Dean apparently thought he would fall for something as improbable and, honestly, fucking stupid as that.

“And why would you do that?” Cas asked scornfully. “You’re straight.”

Dean frowned at him.

“How would you know?” 

“You’ve slept with every girl in our year,” Cas deadpanned. 

“Not _every_ girl…” Dean said like that would justify anything. Cas rolled his eyes and turned around to walk outside instead, but Dean threw himself in front of him.

“Okay, okay, okay, so maybe I have, but who says I’m not bisexual, huh?” Oh god, this guy was a nuisance. 

“Don’t you think every single person in school would know if you were?” Cas said irritably.

“Yeah, okay, so it’s kinda a secret, but seriously, go out with me.” 

It wasn’t even a well-composed joke, so why would Dean think it would fool _anybody_? Dean just kept staring at him with big, practically pleading eyes, making Cas’ skin crawl. He would never agree to anything like this, but his head wasn’t working, he was bored beyond measures and it wasn’t like he had anything better to do with his time. He would most definitely regret this.

“Fine,” he finally said.

“Fine?” Dean repeated baffled.

“Yes, fine. You show me how much this _isn’t_ a big joke and I might even consider _not_ putting drugs in your locker and get you drug busted for bothering me.”

Cas turned around and walked out of school again, lightning a cigarette and feeling Dean Winchester’s stare on his back. Oh yeah, he would definitely regret this the minute he’d had some decent sleep. And now he’d have to get to a hold of some drugs that he wouldn’t get to use up too. Why did he do this to himself?

Cas was walking towards a minimart to buy cigarettes during lunch period when his phone started buzzing in his pocket. When he fished it up the name Gemma stood written across the screen. Gemma was his best friend since ten years back when they met outside of the principal’s office. She had black hair with a thick white strand and a sharp bang, making her look a bit like a skinhead, and a septum piercing that she rarely bothered putting a ring in anymore. He pulled out the earphones and dragged the ‘Answer’ button across the screen, pausing the music in the process.

“Yeah?”

 _“Hey, Cas, some guy is here and he wants your number,”_ Gemma’s voice said. Cas made a small face to himself. This was most likely going to be embarrassing.

“Is it Dean Winchester?” he asked and stopped by a crosswalk. Gemma disappeared from the phone for a minute.

 _“Yep, it’s him,”_ she said when she returned. 

Cas sighed. “Okay, well, listen.” Gemma hummed. “You know how I said I had a really weird morning?” She hummed again. “Well, he came up to me and was like two fucking inches away from my face and asking me out, so now I’m going on a date with him.”

 _“What, really?”_ she said with a weird tone. _“With_ him _?”_

“It’s just some bad joke or something,” Cas replied and brushed his hand through his hair. “But whatever, you can go ahead and give him my number.”

 _“Well, ok then,”_ she said and Cas could hear the unspoken _you will tell me everything later_.

“Alright, I’ll see you later,” Cas replied as he pushed open the door to the minimart. “Love you.”

_“Yeah, love you, bye.”_

\-------

Then suddenly it was Friday and Cas was freaking out. This was the dumbest thing he had ever done, and he’d done some pretty dumb shit in his life. But this was _seriously the fucking dumbest thing ever, Castiel Novak._ He could practically feel Claire hitting him in the head with a shoe for how stupid he was and he would have wanted her to, because _why, why, why?_

Cas groaned and hit himself on the forehead with his hand instead. He must’ve still been high or something when he agreed to go out with that fucking asshole, who would definitely turn out to have a second motive that wasn’t in Cas’ favour. 

Oh, well. At least Gemma would know what happened in case he went missing. 

Getting into Dean’s obnoxious, black car was done with pure power of will. Cas sat there, feeling trapped, and when the asshole actually made efforts to have a conversation with him the world seemed to be tipping just slightly in the wrong direction. There wasn’t much to do about that now though, so Cas decided to just tag along and wait it out until the big punch line came. It couldn’t be any worse than whatever he would have been doing with his evening otherwise. Maybe if Dean decided to drop the façade early he’d have energy to get cigarettes before going home.

Only that two hours passed and there was no joke on Cas to be seen for miles. Dean just sat there with his hand on Cas’ thigh after buying him a beer and was trying to make him chat like a normal human being. It was utterly confusing. Maybe Dean was just sexually curious and thought Cas would be a good experiment? Not that Cas was ever going to allow that to happen. But then a girl pressed herself against Dean and when he visually devoured her Cas took that as his cue to leave. And then when Dean darted out the door, throwing apologies after him Cas just got irritated. Wasn’t it enough that he’d played along in his stupid little date game? He growled quietly under his breath before Dean’s voice was blocked by ‘Warrant’ in his earphones, and steered towards the closest minimart.

\-------

The following night was spent in sweet oblivion. There was something about being that wonderful stage of drunk, where everything was spinning just enough and you didn’t care about anything. Cas was in an apartment owned by one’s of Gemma’s friends, who he currently didn’t remember the name of and didn’t give a fuck about either. He was in the middle of giving up on trying to read a text when someone poured half a glass of at least four different kinds of liquor all over his chest and then he found himself in the bathroom with a hand pushing down his jeans and a mouth on his neck. Well. Why not? When the other guy had managed to get off too Cas stumbled out again, trying to find more alcohol. It was a mess.

The next morning Cas thought he should probably be grateful he didn’t remember anything at all because his sweater smelled like something had died in it four times over and he was pretty sure he might still be hung over when he dragged himself out of bed on Monday. Yeah. Life was a nuisance.

By lunchtime he had barely woken up, sitting behind the school stairs with the wall behind his back and the sun shining on him. One of Gemma’s boyfriend Aaron’s homemade cigarettes was doing wonders to Cas’ head when Nora, a girl with long, blonde hair and a thing for small clothes, sat down next to him.

“Can I lean on you?” she asked and Cas lifted his hands to let her rest against his chest with her legs thrown across his thighs. She was always clingy for human contact, but Cas wasn’t gonna stop her. If it weren’t for the fact that Noel - a guy with curly brown hair, caramel toned skin, cold blue eyes and a vintage jeans jacket with punk patches on it - was gay too, he’d thought that was the reason everyone in their gang somehow ended up hanging onto him. It was more likely the fact that Cas actually let them. Nevertheless, people still had a tendency to hold his hand and lean on him. And he kinda liked it. He’d just relaxed again when six feet of intrusive jock asshole decided to honour him with his presence and stormed up to him with a “I need to talk to you.” 

“No,” Cas replied, because he wasn’t getting up for that dick.

“Come on, dude, just give me one fucking minute okay?” 

Seriously, _seriously_ , what had Cas done to get this one on his hands?

“What are you even smoking?” Dean asked after Cas had pushed himself off the ground and followed him a few feet away.

“It’s a brand called none of your fucking business,” Cas replied coldly.

“Okay, fine, whatever,” Dean said impatiently. “I wanted to apologise.”

“Dean Winchester? Apologising? Never thought I’d see the day,” Cas said sarcastically.

“Just shut up for a minute,” Dean said and looked like his was trying to control his reflexes. Cas thought it was hilarious. “Go out with me again.”

“What?” Cas asked and almost laughed. “Because last time was such a terrific experience you mean?”

“I know, I messed up and I apologised, didn’t I?” Point taken. “And I did prove you wrong about some things, right? It wasn’t a joke and don’t try and tell me you didn’t enjoy yourself at least a little.” Yeah, that would have to be _very little_ , thank you.

“Fair enough. But that doesn’t mean I’ll do it again.”

“Oh, just cut me some slacks here! One more date and if you don’t like it you can just leave and I’ll never bother you again. Alright?”

Dean really should have some credit for his persistence, although it was odd how keen he was to make Cas go on dates with him. Cas took a moment to take him in; the way his lips were pressed together, his eyes slightly narrowed with some sort of apprehension in them. _Maybe_ it could turn out be kinda fun.

“Fine,” he finally answered. 

Dean visibly inhaled, like he’d been holding his breath.

“Great! You free tonight?”

“Sure.”

“Nice. Seven okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Great,” Dean said again. “I’ll pick you up.” 

There was certainly something about watching Dean Douchebag Winchester get all flustered and practically bolting away with a blush on his cheeks because of someone like himself. Cas almost felt proud.

\-------

‘Fun’ wasn’t by definition the word Cas would use as he sat slumped down in his seat at the cinema, watching American psycho for reasons he couldn’t really define and with his fingers itching to grab his phone, even though Dean would probably snatch it away again if he did. No, Cas would more likely use something similar to ‘weird’ or ‘pain in the ass’. This was a guy who slept around with every other girl in school, probably without having to do more than smile at them before they dropped their panties. What the fuck was he doing taking Cas to dinner and then watching a movie with him?

_“Why are you so eager to make me go out with you?”_

_“Okay, you know what? I like you.”_

_“You like me?”_

_“Yeah. You did seem cool and I wanted to know what was moving inside your head.”_

‘Yeah, I bet my ass you do,’ Cas thought and fiddled with the hem of his sweater. This movie was just as pointless as every other movie he’d ever watched. There was sex and cold-blooded slaughter and he did not want to think about why he was watching this with Dean of all people. Maybe he should be genuinely worried.

His thoughts were abruptly interrupted when there were warm fingers trailing down his wrist and over his palm to slide in between his own. Cas didn’t know what to do. Dean had just interlaced their fingers. He just sat there for a moment before he lightly bent his fingers down over Dean’s hand too and Dean let out a long breath. Had he really been so nervous about holding Cas’ hand that he’d held his breath? That might… actually be a bit cute. Maybe ‘pain in the ass’ was a bit harsh, Cas thought as he leaned his head against Dean’s shoulder and felt him almost jump. He could still see that small grin spread on Dean’s face though.

When Dean was dropping him off at home Cas could see Hester moving around in the living room, so he got out of the car and then paused. He didn’t really feel like being alone and Dean was right there.

“Hey, do you wanna come inside for a bit?” he asked. When Dean looked at him with large eyes he added: “I’m not sleeping with you, so don’t get any ideas, but you could still come inside if you want to.”

“Sure,” Dean said after a few seconds of staring and got out of the car while Cas lit a cigarette. Dean leaned next to him against the balustrade by the stairs leading up to the building and discreetly watched him while he was smoking. It was a bit unsettling, so Cas fished up his phone only to feel Dean lean closer against his side and casually put a hand against the balustrade on the other side of Cas’ back.

“Come on,” Cas said when he’d put out the cigarette and led Dean through the lobby and into the elevator. Once on the fifth floor he went up to the double doors leading to his so-called home. The apartment was a boastfully expensive thing located in Midtown East on Manhattan and had two floors. On the first floor was the kitchen, living room, and in the far end, Cas’ parents study and bedroom. Cas never went into that part of the apartment. Upstairs was Cas’ room, Claire’s room and a laundry room. Every bedroom had it’s own bathroom and Cas would forever think that one of the reasons the apartment was so big was so his parents wouldn’t have to run into anyone the few hours they were home. Everything inside every room, except for Cas’, was modern and anonymous, just clean lines and empty spaces. Needless to say, Cas wasn’t too fond of it. It was just a place where his parents could invest some of their sky high salaries. 

When Cas was walking towards the staircase Dean stopped in front of a photo on the living room wall. It was Claire when she was 8 and next to her was Cas, who’d just turned 10. Their parents had taken them to see their grandmother in Florida during the summer and Claire had just discovered that if Cas carried her on his back she could get to places faster without walking, so she spent the entire time pouting until he just gave in and let her climb on him. Later she would steal him cookies and sit with him underneath a blanket long after bedtime. 

“Is that your sister?” Dean asked and moved closer to the photo.

“Yeah.”

“I didn’t know you had one.”

“I don’t,” Cas said and tried to suppress the way it still felt like a stab in the chest. He walked up the stairs and Dean trailed after him.

“I’m sorry,” Dean said.

“Thanks,” Cas murmured and opened his bedroom door. His room was dark and messy, like always. There were clothes, records, old sketches and Starbucks mugs pretty much everywhere. “Sorry about the mess,” he said without too much conviction.

“No worries,” Dean said. Then he just stood there and fidgeted a little bit and Cas could feel it in the air how he wanted to ask about Claire, because that was how everyone looked when you told them you didn’t have a sister anymore. There was no way he felt like telling Dean Winchester about his little sister, but the atmosphere was getting too tense. Finally Cas sighed and sat down on his bed, resting his back against the wall.

“Her name was Claire, she’d just turned 15 and she died two years ago.” He picked out his phone and threw his jacket on the floor. Gemma had sent him a text saying _‘Are you still alive?’_ to which he replied _‘It’s weird. He held my hand.’_

“That sucks,” Dean said sympathetically and Cas hummed in agreement. “How did she die?”

“Overdose,” he said simply. He looked up at Dean and almost challenged him to run out the door again when he added: “And yes, it was suicide.”

“Man…” Dean said with genuine sympathy. He didn’t react like Cas thought he would. “That must be fucking awful.” 

“Yeah, pretty much,” Cas replied. His phone started ringing and he picked it up with an irritated sigh. “Yes…?” 

_“Come downstairs,”_ Hester said.

“Why?”

_“Just do as I say.”_

“Fine.” Cas hung up and scooched off the bed. “My mom,” he explained to Dean who looked questioningly at him. “I’ll be right back. Feel free to go through my stuff.” He could hear Dean chuckled behind him as he went down the stairs again.

“What?” he asked irritatingly when he saw his mother standing by the large window in the living room.

“We’ll be having co-workers over for dinner on Friday,” she said. “You might want to spend the night at Gemma’s.” Yeah, like he’d spend the night at home anyway.

“Okay, fucking whatever,” Cas replied and turned around again. She made him come downstairs just for this?

“Watch your tone!” his mother called after him, but Cas just ignored her on his way up to his room again. This evening had just gone from nice to headache-bad and he hoped Dean wouldn’t be one of those who wanted to talk some more about Claire the minute he mentioned her. When he got inside Dean was sitting on the edge of his bed and reading the back of one his old Pink Floyd records. Cas closed the door behind him and sat down on the bed next to Dean, leaning against the wall like before. 

“I have to hand it to ya,” Dean said, “you’re not entirely such a big hipster as I thought you were, even if you’re still pretty fucking strange.”

Cas felt a small, slow smile spread on his face and Dean stared at him, looking spellbound. He scooched closer to him on the bed and put a hand on his neck, fingers pushing into Cas’ hair. Cas realised he was about to be kissed. Dean started leaning in towards him slowly and Cas just sat there and let him until Dean pushed his lips against his. He tasted like salt and warmth and then Dean took a surprised breath like he hadn’t expected to actually kiss him. Cas put his hands on Dean’s neck and kissed him back. Dean was very gentle and sweet, much unlike most other kisses Cas was used to when it was just making out for the sake of making out, and Cas felt something tiny stir at the bottom of his chest. He broke the kiss, feeling Dean’s breath on his lips. 

“Have I made you change your mind yet?” Dean breathed. 

“Not really,” he whispered back and Dean shoved him playfully in the chest, letting his hand stay there, lightly gripping his sweater. Cas noticed how the light fell on his face, making his cheekbones and lashes stand out. It would be quite easy to draw actually. He could understand why everyone was so obsessed with him.

“I should probably go,” Dean said after a couple of minutes and pushed himself off the bed.

“I’ll walk you out.” 

Once they were outside Cas lit a cigarette and held it between his lips while he untangled his earphones. 

“You want me to give you a ride somewhere?” Dean asked as Cas managed to put one earphone in his ear and take the cigarette between his fingers. 

“No, I’m fine,” he said and blew out some smoke. Dean stood there, gazing up at him without a trace of looking like this whole thing was a joke. “Well…” Cas started, “at least you don’t have to worry about getting drugs in you locker anymore.”

“Oh, yeah?” Dean grinned. 

“Yeah,” Cas said and looked through his playlist, clicking on ‘Old yellow bricks’ by Arctic Monkeys. “See you around.”

“Hey, wait a second,” Dean said and ran up to halt in front of him.

“What?” he asked as Alex Turner started singing through the earphone in his ear. 

_Old yellow bricks_  
 _Love's a risk_  
 _Quite the little escapologist_

“Don’t I get a goodbye kiss?” Dean had that charismatic grin on his face, but Cas just snorted at him. 

_Looked so miffed_  
 _When you wished_  
 _For a thousand places better than this_

“Fuck off,” he said, but then Dean pushed their mouths together anyway and Cas made a surprised noise. If that’s how Dean wanted to play it, then that was fine by Cas. 

_You are the fugitive_  
 _But you don't know what you're running from_  
 _You can’t kid us_  
 _And you couldn't trick anyone_  
 _Houdini, love, you don't know what you're running away from_

He put his arms around Dean’s back and pulled him closer, pushing his tongue inside Dean’s mouth. It was brilliant how Dean almost seemed to lose control of himself as Cas just pushed his tongue deeper down his throat. The fact that that one earphone was giving him a soundtrack made it much better too. If you’re going to make out, there should be music involved.

_She was enraged by the way_  
 _That the emperor put traps in the cage_  
 _And the days she being dull_  
 _Lead to nights reading beer bottles_

After a minute Cas pulled back again, wiped his mouth with the hand that held the cigarette before taking a drag and blowing the smoke in Dean’s stunned face. 

_Who wants to sleep in the city that never wakes up?_  
 _Blinded by nostalgia_  
 _Who wants to sleep in the city that never wakes up?_

“See you,” he said and Dean just stood there outside his house and stared after him as he disappeared down the street.

\-------

Cas decided he wanted the name of these pills, because this was really nice. Everything was sort of glowing and floating and he slumped even further down in the armchair. He heard someone giggle and barely had time to understand that it’d come from himself before there was a weight in his lap and a tongue in his mouth. Yes, very nice indeed. It took a while for him to realise that it was Dave, a supposedly straight guy with dark brown hair, sitting in his lap and then even longer to realise that he was probably being used for experimenting, but he didn’t care. Making out was nice and his body felt warm and bubbly.

“Don’t tell anyone,” was what Dave left him with a while later, along with more of those pills. Cas hummed to himself and stood up before he swallowed… whatever they were called. Ten minutes later and he could barely stop himself from laughing. The same went for Liz apparently, because they locked eyes and then they were both bending over with laughter. Liz was a couple of years older than Cas, had thick dark red hair that stood out against her dark skin and always wore Dr Martens, regardless of the situation.

“How about some air?” she suggested and then they stumbled up the stairs together and out the door, collapsing by the wall in a mess. 

“Hey,” someone called and Liz looked up from were she’d been almost lying across Cas.

“Cas, isn’t that…?” she asked and started laughing again.

“Dean!” Cas said when he finally recognised who it was.

“Don’t you mean Mr Snuggles?” Liz whispered in Cas’ ear and it didn’t make any sense at all but he still snorted with laughter.

“Dude, you look wasted,” Dean said with a grin when he got closer to them and took Cas’ wrists to pull him up. 

“Yeah,” Cas said and held on to Dean’s arms to stay upright. Then suddenly Dean’s grin dropped.

“Are you high?” he asked brashly and yanked Cas closer. 

“Why do you care?” Cas asked and tried to get rid on Dean’s hands on his arms. 

“Dude, you’re insane.”

“Oh, just fuck off already.” 

“No, I’m taking you home,” Dean told him and started to drag him with him. 

“Like hell you are!” Cas said loudly, pulling free. Who the fuck was this guy? They make out and he starts acting like he gets to have a say in Cas’ life? “Just leave me alone, you’re not my fucking boyfriend!” 

“Well, maybe I want to be!” Dean said just as loudly and flared his arms. “Maybe I want to take care of you and be with you every fucking minute, even if you’re rude and difficult and a fucking pain in the ass!” Cas tried to make his thoughts go in a straight line.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” 

“How can you not get it? I already told you I freaking like you!”

“You’re just being a dick.”

“No, I’m not!” Dean almost shouted. “You’re being a dick for making me fucking chase after you all the fucking time.” _Chase_ after…?

“I’ve known you for like a week!” Cas said in complete bewilderment.

“And I’ve been in love with you for three years!”

There was a long silence where Dean quickly looked around him and the words were slowly making they’re way into Cas’ muddled head. 

“ _What_?” He was about 300% sure he’d accidentally taken far more than some pills. This wasn’t happening. It was some weird dream or all those drugs from all those years back had finally decided to make a blowback. 

Dean didn’t want to talk about it though. He just dragged Cas with him and then chased after him when Cas tried to escape down a road while Dean was getting his jacket, only to have his head starting to pound and Dean catching up with him, shouting at him for not doing as he’d told him. Like Cas would ever do what some guy told him. He was fucking person, not a dog.

Cas pushed a hand through his hair, sighing heavily.

“Hey, what you said earlier-“ he started, but Dean instantly threw him a glare.

“We’re not talking about that,” he said firmly and ignored Cas while he called for a cab. 

“I’m not gonna leave it,” Cas said and tried to focus on Dean. He didn’t feel drunk anymore, but everything was still slightly blurry and floating and it was insane that he had to do this on some weird pills.

“I can see that,” Dean said and sighed, leaning against the wall next to Cas.

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” 

Dean snorted. 

“Do you know how hostile you look? And I can’t go around hitting on guys just like that, I have a reputation to attend to.”

Cas chuckled and slid down the wall.

“I’d think you of all people wouldn’t be scared to talk to anyone,” he said and pulled his sleeves down his arms, trying to warm them up.

“Yeah, you should feel unique,” Dean said bitterly and slid down next to him.

“I already do,” Cas mumbled and smiled at his bracelets, scratching a bit on the braided one that had gotten some weird stain of something he probably didn’t want to know what it was. “But why would _you_ ever fall in love with… what was it you called me… a strange hipster kid?” 

“It’s not like I chose to,” Dean said bitterly and Cas nodded. It made sense, he supposed. Dean probably didn’t want to be in love with him any more than he wanted Dean to be in love with him. God, it was a mess. When the cab arrived Dean tried to make him go home, like he still thought he was his fucking guardian or something. Why did Dean think he had the right to decide what Cas would do just because he’d stormed with his goddamn feelings? They didn’t even know each other. It ended with Dean storming back into the car and Cas angrily staggering down the street to drink everything away.

\-------

Waking up the next morning was far from pleasant. His head was hurting, something on his chest was stinging and there was a bad feeling in his stomach. He carefully sat up and pulled his t-shirt off. About two inches underneath his collarbone was three cigarette burn marks. Ah, figures. Last time he woke up with burn marks he had counted them to seven all over his left side and there’d been a disturbing hickey next to them. Cas really wasn’t sure why he kept doing this to himself. ‘Could have been worse,’ he told himself as he slowly got up to find something resembling painkillers. 

One and a half hour later he was walking out of Starbucks, headache gone and his every nerve buzzing with satisfaction from the coffee, although one thing he couldn’t shake was that weird, remorseful feeling in his stomach.

_“And I’ve been in love with you for three years!”_

Oh, _fuck_. Right. Right, that was actually a thing that happened. Cas let out a deep sigh and rubbed his forehead.

_“Cas!”_

_“What?”_

_“Where… where are you going?”_

_“None. Of. Your. Business.”_

_“I’m coming with you.”_

_“Dean, for fuck’s sake, I can manage on my own!”_

_“Fine! Just fine!”_

The coffee didn’t seem quite so tempting anymore, but there was no fucking way he’d throw away a whole latte because of some jock. Instead he sat down on the steps leading up to the New York Public Library. Could Dean have been serious? He’d seemed serious enough. And Cas had just blown him off. Which isn’t something he’d normally feel guilty about, but if the poor asshole was actually in love with him... Oh, fuck, this was a mess Cas would gladly have been able to live without. He leaned back against the step behind him and glared at his latte, taking a big sip. Suddenly he felt like he’d been unfair. He was used to making out without expectations because there wasn’t a connection anywhere, but if Dean had taken him out and kissed him because he had feelings for him that was just a whole different thing.

He was just about to call Gemma when he realised that his phone had been stolen last night. Wonderful, another one of those conversations he didn’t want to have. Reluctantly he started walking towards the subway to go to Wall Street. When he walked into his father’s office Joshua was busy staring tiredly at a computer screen, not even looking up, so Cas just flopped down into one of the leather armchairs in front of the desk.

“One moment,” Joshua mumbled and Cas made himself busy with shrugging out of his jacket and trying to figure out how many cigarette packs he had left before he would have to get new ones. He’d probably manage another two days without having to start using the one’s hidden in his bookshelf. “So,” Joshua said by the time Cas had started torturing his thumbnail in pure boredom. “What can I do for you, son?”

“I need a new phone,” Cas said and sat up in his chair. Joshua sighed and took off his glasses.

“What happened to the old one?”

“Got stolen,” Cas replied and refused to look at Joshua, staring out the window instead. He could feel that unmistakable scowl anyway and outside the sun was about to set. He almost wished he could stay here and draw it. From the other side of the desk Joshua drew a breath to say something, but was interrupted by his computer beeping.

“I have to take this,” he said and Cas sighed. “I’ll make a bank transfer later and you make sure it doesn’t happen again, understood?”

“Whatever,” Cas murmured. Joshua didn’t hear him anyway. Cas made very sure to tip over a framed certificate from Harvard on his way out.

\-------

When he got home again the apartment was empty. He went into the kitchen and opened the fridge. For being a family where people rarely ate at home it was surprisingly well stocked. He found a yogurt that hadn’t passed the expiration date yet that he brought with him upstairs. He stood in front of his room for a moment before he turned around and walked into Claire’s room instead. Claire’s room had been turned into a guest room two weeks after she died and no one called it Claire’s anymore but him. He sat down on the bed with his back against the wall and put the spoon in the yogurt cup. There wasn’t a single trace left of Claire in there. Now it was just as modern and impersonal as the rest of the apartment.

Claire had killed herself in April two years ago by taking too many of their mother’s sleeping pills. At first Cas thought it was his own fault, that somehow he’d forgotten some bag somewhere that Claire had found, but she hadn’t. She had been 15 and as far as Cas knew she’d been bullied since she was 11. Cas had come home from Gemma’s to a dark apartment and wondered why Claire hadn’t turned the lights on when the music coming from her room was evidence that she was home. He’d found his little sister on the bathroom floor and he hadn’t been able to leave her side until a paramedic forcibly pulled him away. He’d always hated his parents’ choice to put work as top priority a bit more after that, because if just someone had been home earlier maybe it wouldn’t have happened. But on the other hand, he should have been home even more so that argument just turned hypocritical.

But that was two years ago and right now Cas had other things to deal with. Sometimes when he needed to be extra shielded from the whole world, he’d go in here and just think. His own room was too messy for thinking. When he was younger he used to just barge in and throw himself on Claire’s bed until she either listened to him complaining or kicked him out again.

“What should I do, Claire?” Cas asked the empty room. The silence was, if anticipated, still unnerving. Okay, so it obviously seemed like he’d had to handle this himself. “It’s not a problem if you can fix it,” he mumbled to himself and took a mouthful a yogurt. It tasted disgusting so Cas put it down again.

Dean Winchester, who had came into school one day and charmed his way in everywhere by sleeping around and being overconfident three years earlier, and who hadn’t talked to Cas up until one week ago, had apparently spent all that time being in love with him. He realised exactly how that sounded - like a very bad joke. Except that jokes doesn’t evolve into people making drunken love confessions in the middle of an argument.

“Fucking idiot,” Cas mumbled and got up from the floor again. This was Dean’s problem and here Cas was spending his time thinking about it. He didn’t owe Dean a solution; he didn’t owe him anything. He had better things to worry about. “Thanks, Claire,” ha said before he shut the door behind him.

\-------

After a few days of successfully forgetting anything to do with Dean Winchester, Cas walked by him in the corridor in school. Cas was texting with Gemma, who was trying to talk him into helping her buy clothes at the Top shop sale ( _‘You actually owe me like 40 bucks anyway, Cas!’_ ), and being led along the corridor by Nora’s hand in his when someone saying Dean’s name snapped him back into reality. And sure enough, in the middle of all those red team jackets was Dean in his blue plaid shirt. The second Cas’ eyes found him Dean sternly looked away, tensing his jaw and looking far too cross than Cas thought was necessary. Seriously, it’d been almost a week. How could he still be mad over something so insignificant?

It took Cas until five in the afternoon to admit to himself that it probably wasn’t that insignificant to Dean. A couple of hours later and he’d even managed to come to terms with the fact that he should probably apologise. It wasn’t fair to Dean to behave like Cas had that night after he’d just confessed something so big. He still thought he was an asshole, but that didn’t mean Cas would get to be a dick to him. Cas searched for Dean’s name on a number finding site and dialled it, biting his thumbnail and nudging the toe of his brown leather sneakers against the desk leg while he waited. 

_“Sup?”_ Dean answered after a few tones.

“Hi, it’s Cas.”

 _“Hey.”_ Dean’s voice dropped to icy cold and Cas sighed. 

“I wanted to say I’m sorry.”

There was a long silence and Cas was more or less sure he’d be told to fuck off.

 _“For what?”_ Dean said instead.

“For being a dick when you were trying to help,” Cas explained and reached over to his desk to get his lighter. “I still don’t need anyone to take care of me, but I shouldn’t have been so aggressive.”

 _“Wow…”_ Dean said. _“Castiel Novak, number one hipster dickhead, saying he’s sorry. Never thought I’d see the day.”_

“Don’t fucking quote me to me,” Cas said irritably and played with the fire.

 _“You wanna hang out?”_ Dean asked and Cas dropped the lighter, almost burning himself before the flame died and the lighter hit the floor.

“Well… okay,” Cas replied when he couldn’t come up with a reason not to.

_“Sweet! Should I pick you up?”_

“Sure.”

_“I’ll be over in 20.”_

A minute after he’d hung up his phone started ringing again with Hester’s name on the screen. Cas felt a jab in his stomach and waited for it to stop calling. It was very likely she wanted him to come downstairs and listen to her ranting about something. Both of his parents were home, but maybe he’d be able to sneak out before they noticed him. After pushing the phone into his pocket he quickly made his way down the stairs, trying to will everyone to leave him alone.

_Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off._

“Castiel?”

_Fuck._

Joshua appeared in the doorway to the study and Cas knew he had no chance to escape now, so he stopped at the bottom of the stairs and tried not to sigh too loudly.

“What?”

“Your mother wants a word, son.”

Cas peeked through the door his father was standing in to see Hester’s black high heels slide into view. Not only was it foreboding that Hester wanted to talk at all, but of course it had to be in there where he couldn’t get away. He swallowed and slowly made his way in.

“Did you want something?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest protectively.

“Castiel,” Hester said icily and waved him in, pressing a hand over her dyed brown hair, which was in a tight updo. Then she just walked up in front of him and stared him down. Cas’ stomach turned. 

“What?” he said defensively.

“The school called today.”

_Oh, no._

“Okay, so?”

“Well, I think you can imagine it wasn’t happy news.”

Cas let out a sigh. This was getting old.

“Maybe I still don’t care,” he replied tiredly.

“How can you think so little of your future?” Hester asked irately. Cas wanted to laugh. “Not everyone has one.” And there we fucking go.

“Don’t make this about Claire,” Cas shot back. Hester gave him a flat glare before her eyes fell on something behind him.

“Talk some sense into him, Joshua.”

“Your mother is right,” Cas’ dad’s voice came from the doorway. “You should be considerate of the luck Claire didn’t have.” Luck, what fucking luck? She was depressed, that had nothing to do with luck. Cas closed his eyes, trying to push down the anger.

“Why does everything have to be about Claire?” he asked and turned around to Joshua. “Isn’t it enough that she died?”

“Castiel!” Hester barked. “How dare you be that selfish?”

“Selfish?” Cas repeated dumbfounded and turned back.

“Yes, selfish,” Hester said firmly. “You waste your future when she didn’t get one.”

Cas bit back a growl. 

“I don’t have time for this,” he muttered and pushed past Joshua, storming towards the door.

“This conversation isn’t over!” Hester called after him before the door feel shut.

“Fucking, goddamn, bloody assholes,” Cas muttered under his breath as he rushed down the stairs, out through the entrance and into Dean’s black car, slamming the door behind him and only feeling a little sorry.

“You okay?” Dean asked from the other side of the front seat.

“I’m fucking fine. Can we just get out of here?” _Selfish?_ He was perfectly aware that he didn’t have a future, but why was that anyone else’s fucking problem?

“Alright,” Dean murmured and pulled out. “You, eh… wanna talk about it?”

Cas snorted. 

“Yeah, right.” Like _Dean_ would really want to talk about it.

“I’m serious.”

“I’m sure you are.”

“Fine, be a dick then,” Dean muttered and turned his hard, green eyes away. Cas rubbed his hands over his face and sighed. He didn’t want to Dean to think he was a dick again first thing after he’d apologised for being one.

“My parents are a pain in the ass and they just piss me off sometimes.”

“Lemme guess: they don’t like you smoking and doing drugs and you’re pissed because they’re right,” Dean said, sounding unnecessarily teasing. 

“Who asked for your opinion?” Cas shot back grouchily.

“What was it then?”

“You really wanna know?”

“Yeah, I kinda do actually.”

“They’re mad their good kid killed herself and they’re stuck with me. There. Happy?”

He slumped down in his seat, rested his forehead in his hand and picked up his phone, wishing everyone would just disappear. 

“Wow…” Dean said while Cas was scrolling down on tumblr, past one gif that wouldn’t load after another. “That’s some heavy shit.”

“It’s your own fucking fault for asking.”

“Hey, I’m not criticising you.”

“Good.”

It was far from good, though, and Cas could feel the tension inside that car building and building until he couldn’t take it anymore.

“You can just drop me off somewhere, it’s okay,” he said, getting ready to be dumped on the side of the road with his heavy family baggage.

“Why would I want to do that?” Dean asked instead. “Okay, so you’ve been thought some shitty stuff. I’m not here to be your fucking therapist or take on your pain or whatever, I just want to hang out with you.”

Cas could do nothing but stare at him for several seconds straight. He felt exceptionally relieved. Most people would either get uncomfortable or want help and have you lean on them or whatever, but it’s not up somebody else to save you, even if people often want to try, and asking someone to become emotionally invested in your shit is a big deal. No one owe you sympathy for your problems and no one is invincible, so you have to be gentle with them if you tell them heavy things, but Dean didn’t care. Dean just sat there and let the heavy shit slide away, just like Cas wanted people to. 

Cas just nodded at him and felt a small smile spread on his face when he looked out the window. Who would have thought Dean Winchester of all people shared his life philosophies? Suddenly there were fingers tracing over Cas’ hand and Cas stiffened. It didn’t make sense why the gentle hand on his felt so good, or why a small feeling pulsated through his stomach. 

They ended up on the balcony in Joshua’s office. Cas would never grow tired of this view. The sky was getting dark and there was light shining up from the city, making it glow. Cas thought it totally deserved to be on Instagram. He was just starting to reply to a text from Kyle when Dean snatched his phone from his hands. When he wouldn’t give it back Cas thought that okay, two can play this game. It was almost comical how Dean’s smug façade dropped the second Cas’ hands touched his hips, pushing him against the railing, and when Cas moved in to hover an inch away from his lips Dean was practically hyperventilating. ‘Maybe you should think twice before you confess your big, epic love next time,’ Cas thought and snatched his phone back, moving away. He’d just pushed the phone into his pocket when there were strong hands on his arm and his back hit the wall. Oh god, could this guy be any more frustrating? 

“That was fucking mean,” Dean said, pressing his forehead against Cas’.

“Just get off me already,” Cas shot back and tried to free his arms. Fucking jocks.

“You know how I feel about you,” Dean continued with an irritatingly smooth voice and Cas chest tingled.

“You don’t know what I feel about you.” 

“Do you?” Dean said and suddenly sounded hopeful instead. “Feel something about me, I mean?” 

“You mean beside loathing and irritation?”

“Fuck off.”

“Yeah. I do feel something about you,” Cas admitted and Dean seemed to still, the hands on Cas’ arms loosening slightly. His eyes were close enough for Cas to notice that there were light brown flecks in the middle of all that green. Dean seemed to be frozen in some state of shock, so Cas leaned forward and pressed his lips to Dean’s. They were just as soft as he remembered. Dean seemed to snap back, because there were hands in Cas’ hair and underneath his sweater and Cas pushed them around, pressing closer to Dean and chasing the taste in his mouth.

“Well, fuck me,” Cas mused when Dean pulled away panting.

“Can I?” Dean asked eagerly and reality hit Cas right in the face. Right. Dean was an asshole. How could he have forgotten?

“No, you fucking can’t,” Cas said sternly. 

“Why not?” the dick had the stomach to ask.

“Because I said so.”

“Come on, there’s something you’re not telling me,” Dean teased.

“Fuck off.”

“You’re not a virgin, right?”

“I said fuck off already!” Cas shouted and shoved him in the chest. It wasn’t entirely true, but since some stranger’s hand down his pants or blowjobs in the restroom of some shady club didn’t _really_ count, it was true enough to give Cas an angry and embarrassed knot in his stomach.

“Wow…” Dean said with a huge grin. “How about that, huh? How come?”

“That’s another thing that’s none of you goddamn business,” Cas said furiously.

“Had you even had a kiss before me?”

“Of course I had, don’t flatter yourself, dickhead.”

“I mean one that you actually remember.”

 _Wow._

“We’re leaving,” Cas said and walked inside through the door, feeling anger turning inside his stomach.

“Hey, dude, I’m sorry, ok?” Dean’s voice came from behind him and then there was a hand pulling on his arm again.

“No, you’re not, you’re just some arrogant bastard.”

“Yes, I am, truly!” 

“Leave me alone.”

“Cas, wait,” Dean said, his disgusting hands gripping Cas’ shoulders and holding him still. How come he always ended up with the pushy creeps? “What do you want me to do, huh? Get down on me knees and beg?” Cas crossed his arms over his chest. 

“Yeah, I actually think I do.”

Dean just stared at him and Cas almost snorted. Yeah, not so fun when you can’t push everyone around, now is it? He was just about to turn around and shove him out the door when Dean fell down on one knee in front of him.

“I’m really sorry, you’re right, it’s none of my business, please don’t storm out of here,” Dean said with wide, pleading eyes. What in the living fuck of fucks? Cas almost thought he was tripping with big-headed Dean Winchester on his knees in front of him. Somehow he felt delighted.

“Fucking get up, you look like an idiot,” he sneered and Dean got up with a big grin.

“So…” he said and put his hands on Cas’ shoulders again. “Never had sex, huh?” Cas wanted to punch him.

“Get off,” Cas told him and tried to shake him off, only to have those hands gripping his wrists instead. 

“Let me be your first.” 

“ _What?_ You’re fucking unbelievable!” _Who did this guy think he was?_

“Please?”

“I told you I’m not sleeping with you, I barely even know you.”

“No, I don’t mean tonight,” Dean hurried to say. “Just… whenever you’re ready. I really want to be.” Cas was just about to tell him to go fuck himself he noticed the look on Dean’s face. It was unbelievable that this was the same guy who frequently called names after Cas’ friends in the corridors and bragged loudly about scoring girls along with the rest of the sport teams every time Cas forced himself into school. The guy in front of him was nothing like that. He looked so honest and hopeful and looked at Cas like he’d singlehandedly lightened the stars, like he was the most wonderful thing in the entire world. Cas was not prepared for that kind of emotional responsibility.

“I’m not fucking deciding this now, it’s not like you make a damn appointment,” he told him, but Dean’s face lightened up anyway.

“I really do like you, y’know.” 

“Yeah, I kinda got that,” Cas said wryly.

“And you feel something about me.” 

“Don’t push it.”

“You wanna take a smoke?” Dean asked after a couple of seconds of silence. Cas noticed how nice it felt when Dean’s hands stroked his.

“Yeah, I do,” he said and pulled Dean with him out the door.

\-------

A few days later Cas and a bunch of other people were at an underground club. He was supposed to meet Dean out in the main hall, but things were pretty nice in this secluded room so maybe he’ll stay back here. Cas was downing a glass of something with a guy leaning next to him, one hand on Cas’ hip, trying to get Cas to come with him for a fuck in the bathroom.

“Come on, baby. You’re hot and I’m gonna make you feel so good you ain’t gonna believe it.”

Maybe it was the alcohol, but Cas looked at the guy and all he could think was ‘Why not?’ Why the fuck was this something he wasn’t going to do? He would probably have sex with a complete jackass the first time anyway so why not this jackass? It’s not like this was such a big deal either. New experience, get it done, move on with your life. If Dean got mad about not getting there first then that was his problem. Cas’ decisions didn’t orbit around anyone else. The guy didn’t look all that bad either, so really, _why not?_

He was just about to go after the guy when someone grabbed his arm and yanked him around.

“Cas, what the fuck are you doing?” Gemma demanded and looked mad at him.

“Come on, give me a break,” Cas muttered and tried to pull his arm free. The guy (he should probably try and find out what his name was) looked expectantly at him with a raised eyebrow, but Gemma wouldn’t let him go.

“No!” Gemma hissed and yanked him closer. “Are you out of your mind? I thought we had a deal!”

“What fucking deal?” Cas hissed back without looking at her. The guy was starting to give him inpatient looks and Cas tried to get his arm out of Gemma’s iron grip again. It was almost starting to hurt.

“Not to throw ourselves away like we doesn’t matter.”

“That was years ago.”

“Shit, Cas.” She forced him down so he couldn’t avoid looking at her. She may be short, but she could really be up in your face when she wanted to. “I don’t care if you get pissy about it, I’m not letting you walk off with that guy.”

“Why the fuck not?”

“Because you’re worth more than a quick fuck, you fucking idiot.” Cas felt himself go still. Gemma was looking up at him with almost angry eyes and Cas stared back because somewhere at the back of his mind this didn’t make sense. How was that even relevant? “You should do it with someone you trust,” Gemma added. “Okay?” Her eyes bored into his and all he could do was swallow and nod and then down whatever pills some guy Gemma knew put in his hand with a glass of vodka.

\-------

In retrospect he probably shouldn’t have swallowed those drugs with alcohol, because he was feeling like crap. The world was spinning and colours and shapes were flashing and everything hurt deep into his very marrow. After spending what felt like an eternity on a couch, trying not to lose his mind, Cas opened his eyes and felt almost nauseating relief when he realised he would probably be able to stand up again. He managed to just sway a little as he made his way out the door and into the main part of the club. The lights were flashing in his eyes and the music was deafening and Cas just wanted to get out. By the time he’d pushed himself through the disgusting mass of sweaty people, someone grabbed his arm.

“Hey, man,” Dean’s voice said before he came into focus and fuck, Cas wanted to get away even more. 

“Oh, shit, hi,” he said and tried to look away from him. He didn’t want the same shitstorm as last time Dean found him like this. 

It didn’t work. Dean noticed that Cas was high in about two seconds and then pulled him outside to yell at him. Arrogant, clingy asshole. Cas just tried to sort out what colours flashing was real and to deal with the bone deep headache. Everything felt really fucked up and he wasn’t really aware about what was going on, but somehow Dean managed to drag him out of there. 

By the time the colour flashes had started to vanish he was sitting outside his house with Dean, getting his hand played with. It felt nicer than Cas thought it should. Dean was leaning against Cas’ drawn up knees and looking at him with calm, green eyes. It wasn’t fair of his chest to get this ecstatic feeling, it really wasn’t. ‘Maybe I should draw them,’ Cas thought and absently started humming on a song in his head. Dean just kept looking at him.

“What is that?” he asked after a while. 

“Are you mine?” he replied and Dean’s eyes grew big.

“What?” 

“It’s the song, dumbass.”

“Oh,” Dean said and laughed sheepishly.

He looked at the faint blush on Dean’s cheeks before he broke the silence.

“Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Mine?” 

Dean looked at him with those wide eyes again. 

“Well… depends.”

“On?”

“Are you mine?”

Oh, right, he should have seen that one coming. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was his subconscious betraying him, but he thought about the kissing and the handholding and the sharing parts of your life story. “Yeah, I’m starting to think so.” Dean lit up before he got a small frown on his face.

“You’re still wasted.”

“No, I’m not,” Cas protested and looked straight at Dean.

“Tell me the same thing tomorrow and I’ll believe you.”

“Fine.”

Dean smiled at him and affectionately stroked Cas’ jaw with his hand. He couldn’t deny that is actually felt really nice to have someone touching him like that.

“Sexy bastard,” Dean said under his breath and Cas couldn’t help laughing. Dean’s hand was tugging him closer and then there were soft lips on his and Cas sighed. Even if Dean was just screwing with him after all, it might even be worth it just because his lips felt so good.

\-------

Cas woke up the next day feeling like proper crap. Every single bit of him hurt and he just felt lucky he hadn’t puked in his bed.

“Oh, fuck,” was what he had time to mutter before he had to dive into the bathroom and throw up. The bed didn’t even feel all that warm and comfortable when he managed to get back and collapse on it again. Useless shit. Cas sighed and turned on his side, pulling a hand through his hair as he tried to remember what had happened and how he got home. Dean had been there, so much he remembered, or well, _here_ , outside his house. He remembered kissing him, something about soccer scouts and something about a song. What song? How the fuck could a song be so importa- Oh, right. _Oh, right._

Wow, he had really said that out loud, hadn’t he? Cas growled at the embarrassing memory. By the time he’d managed to get out of the shower he felt like he had almost come to terms with the situation. He sat down on the bed and toyed with his phone. 

“Fuck it, just do it,” he told himself and swiftly looked “R U Mine” up on YouTube, copying the link and putting it in a text to Dean, clicking send and throwing the phone on the bed. He stood up and paced a couple of times in front of the bed before he picked up a sweater from the floor and slipped into it. It was dark grey, soft and pretty much as wonderful against hangovers as cigarettes. He was in the middle of contemplating whether or not he should bother walking outside to smoke or just open the window and hope that no one noticed when his phone buzzed. 

“Honestly, Winchester?” he mumbled dryly when ‘You belong to me’ started playing. The douche really thought he could charm him with something like that? Cas replied with _‘How heartrending and predicable.’_ only to get the link to ‘Everybody fucks’ back. An irritated growl escaped before he could stop it and he threw the phone harshly on the desk after he’d sent _‘Fuck off, asshole.’_ back. ‘Goddamn jocks,’ he thought as he decided to go outside anyway.


	2. Joining the dots

When Dean called him the next day he almost hung up on him just for good measures, but then he asked him to come over and… well. So that’s why he was now walking out of Starbucks on his way to the subway and talking to Gemma at the same time.

 _“So, what, he just asked you to come over?”_

“Yeah, you’ve asked that three fucking times now,” Cas said wearily.

_“I just think it’s weird! This beefcake just comes up out of nowhere and is like in love with you and invites you home and everything. It sounds fucked up to me.”_

“It sounds fucked up to me too,” Cas replied and sipped on the latte. “How about I call you if it turns out he just wants to murder me, alright?”

 _“Fuck off, Cas, that’s not funny!”_ Gemma said sternly. _“You’re such a fucking asshole sometimes.”_

“It’s a little funny,” Cas protested more to himself than to Gemma and she sighed loudly.

_“Whatever. Just come over tonight, won’t you? Mom’s going on a date again.”_

“Sure, I just gotta go home first. My parents wanted to talk,” Cas said and rolled his eyes to himself.

 _“Why?”_

“Failed math again.”

 _“That’s it?”_ Gemma asked knowingly and Cas huffed.

“I might have smashed a mirror when I was drunk too. Totally not a big deal though.”

 _“Yeah, totally not,”_ Gemma agreed. _“See you tonight then.”_

“Yeah. Love you,” Cas replied and jogged down the stairs to the subway.

 _“Love you too,”_ Gemma said and hung up.

“What took you so long?” was the first thing Dean said when he opened the door with an irritated frown.

“I had to take the train, what do you think?” Cas replied and stepped inside. “It’s not like you live next door.”

“Dumbass, I bet you had to get a fucking latte on the way too…” Dean mumbled and closed the door.

“What’s your problem?" Cas huffed. "Did you miss me that much?”

“Fuck off,” Dean muttered and leaned in to kiss him on the mouth like they’d been dating for months. There was something new and tingly about it, and Cas kinda liked it. “What are you even listening to?”

“Radioactive by Imagine Dragons,” Cas said and tugged on the lead, pausing the song and putting everything into his back pocket.

“Hipster…” Dean muttered and Cas shoved him in the back. 

After that Dean was being refreshingly endearing, sneaking arms around him and kisses to his neck and that pulse of tingling appeared in Cas’ stomach again. Dean had slowly rock them from foot to foot and Cas had leaned back against his chest. Dean was warm in a way most people weren’t. Must be all that soccer.

‘This is actually kinda nice,’ Cas thought confounded when he had managed to finally free himself from Dean’s arms and gone out to sit on the railing outside Dean’s house and smoke. They had been watching a movie, because Dean had taken it as his mission to find one Cas liked, and Dean had been _cuddling_ him. And what was even stranger was that Cas _liked_ it. Cas was beyond used to kissing and being touched by all kinds of people, but this was different because this was Dean Winchester and he was actually showing emotions while doing it. Somehow all that affection Dean forced onto him, literarily by pulling him down into his lap with his arms tied around Cas’ stomach, was filling a need Cas hadn’t even known was unfulfilled.

Cas continued to scroll down on tumblr when he heard the door open and Dean come to stand between his knees. For once Dean was actually a few inches shorter than Cas from where he was sitting, instead of the other way around. Dean lifted Cas’ chin up and leaned up to kiss him and soon he started doing that thing where he seemed to be trying to suck Cas’ tongue into his mouth, which was so intoxicating that Cas accidentally pressed the cigarette against his hand.

“Ouch, shit,” he gasped and pushed Dean away. There was a scorching blister on his palm, just underneath his thumb. 

“You okay?” Dean asked and took Cas’ hand to actually blow on it.

“Sure, it happens all the time,” Cas replied and watched Dean gently tend to his hand. 

“Wow, clumsy,” Dean chuckled.

“Not when I’m sober, dickhead.”

“You seem pretty sober right now.”

“Yeah, but I was being kinda distracted.”

Dean looked at him with that fond grin on his face, so Cas leaned in and pressed his lips against Dean’s. Dean was pushing back eagerly until he suddenly pulled away.

“We should go inside,” he said a bit anxiously.

“Why?”

“I told you, I can’t be too open.”

“Oh… right.” It shouldn’t sting, but it actually did, just a little bit. Cas put out the cigarette and followed Dean inside again.

“I haven’t seen your bedroom yet,” Cas said to talk about something normal and Dean started grinning. “Oh, fuck off, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I’m still waiting to through with that agreement.”

“You’re disgusting and we don’t have any fucking agreement.”

“We do from my point of view,” Dean mused and his arms went around Cas, holding them close and rocking them again. He was being ridiculous. Cas huffed a small laugh and put his arms around Dean’s neck.

“I’m still fucking pissed at you,” he said and breathed in Dean’s smell. He even smelled warm somehow, and clean, like he’d just showered, and a bit like cigarette smoke. Cas blamed himself for that one.

“Yeah, I know,” Dean replied and kissed his neck. “So, you wanted to see my bedroom, huh?” he continued with a cocky smile and pulled him towards it by his hands. Cas rolled his eyes and let himself he dragged in there. The floor was full of old clothes and there were old plates and McDonald bags standing at random places.

“It’s a fucking mess,” he declared. Dean rolled his eyes and punched him on the shoulder.

“Yours wasn’t exactly squeaky clean either.”

“Fair enough.” Cas took the liberty to gaze around the things on Dean’s messy desk. There was a textbook and a bunch of old papers and notes, one that said “Scholarship application!!!” and another wrinkled one with the number to a girl called Gina. Cas huffed before Dean’s mattress squeaked and Cas’ eyes flashed to him. 

“What?” Dean asked. Cas hesitated a little before he walked up to the bed, pushed Dean down on his back and climbed after, leaning down to start kissing him. Dean put his arms around Cas’ shoulder and pushed him down until he was lying on top of him and it was actually kinda hot. Cas put his hands on Dean’s jaw and got even deeper inside his mouth, needing to feel that tongue even closer. Dean made this small noise and his hand tugged on Cas’ hair, making Cas gasp, and then he was being rolled over onto his back with Dean out of breath on top of him.

“Not bad for a virgin,” he smirked and Cas punched him in the stomach the best he could from where he was lying. Dean just smirked and took a strong hold of Cas’ wrists, pushing them up over his head. ‘This shouldn’t be this hot, it really fucking shouldn’t,’ Cas thought. Dean started kissing him again, tracing his hands over Cas’ wrists, and Cas involuntarily moaned into Dean’s mouth. Dean pulled away and looked down at Cas with that mesmerised look again.

“You’re beautiful,” he whispered and Cas narrowed his eyes, suddenly on guard.

“If you’re just trying to get laid-“

“I’m not,” Dean interrupted. “I’m really honestly not.”

_You should do it with someone you trust._

Here’s the thing; everything ends. That’s about the only real truth Cas knew. Everything ends and everyone leaves, though it might not be under bad conditions. Everyone’s lives changes, everyone grows and sooner or later the direction of people’s lives split. People basically come and go in your life, so the easiest thing is to just keep the door open. Sometimes it really is that horrible that someone is traumatically taken from you and sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it ends badly and sometimes it doesn’t and you can’t know which until it actually happens. But since everything unquestionably will end there’s no reason to overthink things. If it feels good, why think about it? Why angst and regret? It’s just one decision in a sea of other decisions you have to make on a daily basis throughout your entire life. It really isn’t that big of a deal.

Cas wanted to have sex. And he obviously didn’t object to having it with Dean. So it was really that simple, wasn’t it? 

“Okay then,” Cas breathed.

“Okay… what?” Dean asked, looking unnecessarily confused.

“Let’s do it.”

Dean stared at down at him, completely stunned.

“What? I mean… really?” _No, I was being incredibly sarcastic._

“You wanna talk about it or actually fucking do it already?”

“Yeah, sure, sorry…” Dean rambled and Castiel rolled his eyes and pulled him down again, melting their lips together. Dean started to shed them of their clothes and when Cas’ eyes fell on Dean’s chest he couldn’t keep himself from touching those defined muscles with his fingertips, making Dean shiver. Dean sat up on Cas’ hips, interlaced their fingers over Cas’ head and then those green eyes landed on Cas’.

“If you only knew how long I’ve dreamt about this,” Dean mumbled, being overly sentimental in Cas’ opinion. After rolling around together a bit, getting rid of more clothes, Cas ended up on his back in the wrong end on Dean’s bed. Dean got a thrilled gleam in his eyes before his mouth started venturing down Cas’ chest and it felt dizzyingly good.

And then of course Dean had to go and weird it out by putting on ‘Pour some sugar on me’ just because Cas had happened to mention liking it on that first date.

Sex with Dean wasn’t the way he’d expected it to be though. He’d expected Dean to be cocky and smug, kind of get off and get out, but instead he was open, making sounds and showing feelings and looking like Cas was doing just as much to him, if not more, than he was doing to Cas. When he started to actually get fingers inside him, Dean was being so gentle and leaning their foreheads together and burying his face against Cas’ neck. When he actually pushed inside for real it was exactly like Cas expected it to be. It fucking hurt. 

“You okay?” Dean asked, looking like he was barely keeping his hips from jittering.

“Yeah, just fucking move!” Cas ordered. It only took a minute before that burning feeling went away and Cas started feeling that hot, building want instead. Dean’s lips felt like they were everywhere and he was panting hard and looking so hot with that arousal all over his face. He started rubbing over the sweet spot inside Cas and Cas could feel the pleasure shooting up and then building and building until he couldn’t take it and his mind went blank as he came with a moan. After Dean came he just lay on top of Cas for ages. Cas threw his forearm over his eyes and enjoyed the post-orgasmic buzzing in his body while he felt Dean’s speeding heart beat against his ribs.

“Hey,” Dean’s voice said and pulled Cas’ arm away. “Look at me.” Cas locked his eyes on Dean’s and Dean leaned their foreheads together, making Cas get a safe feeling in his chest. The peaceful bubble only lasted for so long, because Dean got a call from his parents who were on they’re way home and it was hilarious how much he panicked to get them dressed and clean up his bed. How could someone popular turn out to be so uncool? Cas still had no intention of staying and chatting with Dean’s parents, even though they turned out to be really nice, so he made sure to get out of there as soon as he could without seeming rude. Dean couldn’t just let him go though. No, he just had to follow him out and hug him with those strong, addictive arms of his.

Although later, when he was walking home from the subway to meet the wrath of his parents, Cas couldn’t shake the feeling that something about this was just plain right. 

\-------

The next morning, while standing outside and taking the first smoke of the day, Cas was copying a YouTube-link to Tame Impala’s song ‘I don’t really mind’ into a text to Dean. He wasn’t sure why he was doing it really, he just was. It had started playing and he thought of Dean, so it felt suitable. A couple of hours later he got ‘Like a virgin’ back and he couldn’t believe what an asshole Dean was. _‘Oh, fuck you!’_ he wrote back and angrily threw the drawing pad he’d had in his lap on the desk. Ten minutes later he got another text with ‘Just like heaven’ by the Cure instead and he sighed. _‘I cried.’_ he replied sarcastically and threw the phone on his bed.

Dean called him later in the afternoon, practically shouting through the phone and sounding hysterical about how he couldn’t get ‘R U Mine’ out of his head and why Cas was wearing his purple sweater to school. When Cas couldn’t make any sense of what he was saying he told him to pick him up and then continued with his chain smoking on the stairs outside his building. He couldn’t understand what had gotten Dean so upset and especially not what he was supposed to do about it. Maybe he was getting cold feet about being in a gay… what exactly were they? A fun pass time? Fantasy fulfilment? Boyfriends? There was an awful lot of cuddling and romantic shit if they weren’t boyfriends, that’s for sure. Also the fact remained that Dean had started out with being in love before they even became a thing. Cas decided he should just ask.

It turned out that not only was Dean very interested in being boyfriends, they also had their first real fight. Dean went on about a purple sweater Cas apparently had worn when Dean first laid eyes on him all those years ago and Cas thought he was being fucking ridiculous and then Dean pulled over and stormed out of the car. Cas sat there a moment longer, fingering on the dark purple sweater he was wearing, and realised that Dean was being serious. He really had been in love with Cas for three years and Cas had just been a huge dick to him. He sighed and pushed open the door, walking around the car to stop in front of Dean, who was leaning against the hood.

“I’m sorry,” Cas said.

“Really?” Dean replied dryly.

“I am,” he pressed, crossing his arms over his chest. “I had no idea.” 

“Of course you fucking didn’t, that was the whole point.”

“Up until three weeks ago?”

“Yeah.”

“What made you change your mind?”

“I had to try, you know.”

“Hm, yeah.”

Dean still wouldn’t look at him and Cas got a twinge of guilt for having hurt him. He moved into the warmth in the opened front of Dean’s jacket, put his arms around his neck and leaned his forehead against his.

“Forgive me?”

Dean snorted.

“You’re seriously asking me for forgiveness?”

“Yes, I am. Take it or leave it.”

Dean seemed to deflate just slightly before his arms went around Cas’ waist.

“Sure, I forgive you.”

“Do you love me?” Cas asked. It was meant as a natural question, but Dean’s jaw dropped.

“There’s really no end to your straightforwardness, is there?”

“No, I don’t think so,” Cas replied and Dean huffed a laugh. 

“Yeah, I do,” he said quietly. “I’ve loved you for ages already.”

And just like that, Cas felt grounded. No wonder they’d been off about that goddamn sweater. 

“I can’t say it back yet,” he said and something glimmered in Dean’s eyes.

“I don’t expect you to.”

There was a long and outstretched silence.

“Well, that’s enough heavy shit for one day,” Dean chuckled tensely and straightened up.

“Wait,” Castiel said and made him lean back against the car again. When he trailed his fingers over those freckled cheekbones Dean got a vulnerable look in his eyes. “You wanna go back to my place?”

“I can’t stay for long.”

“Yeah, I know.” Dean seemed to be searching for something in Cas’ eyes before he mumbled ‘sure’ and got up from the car again.

Somehow, going back to Cas’ place ended up with them on Cas’ bed and Cas getting a blowjob. He couldn’t believe how good Dean’s mouth felt and he never wanted him to stop. Cas could barely remember the previous blowjobs he’d gotten because he had been different degrees of wasted, but he was still sure that this was something exceptional. Dean’s strong, warm hands were on his hips and his hot tongue was stroking ¬and every cell in Cas’ body was screaming _yes, yes, yes!_ Then Dean had the nerve to call him babe. It was so confusing to be that turned on and irritated at the same time, but it still resulted in a very good orgasm. 

“Don’t… _ever_ … call me babe again,” Cas panted when he was able to form a sentence again. Dean pushed himself up and lay down next to Cas, flooding him in warmth and comfort.

“Worked though, didn’t it?”

“Oh, shut up.”

\-------

When Cas watched Dean’s car drive away down the road, he just stayed outside. His mind felt like a tornado. Dean loved him. It was kinda a big deal, wasn’t it? It wasn’t really much he could do about right now, but it felt nice or safe somehow. No one had ever forced their feelings on Cas like this before, but he found that he was starting to get comfortable with it. Dean was still arrogant and unreasonable, but he wasn’t like Cas had thought he was. Cas actually liked him.

After standing outside his apartment building for a good 20 minutes, Cas decided he should pick up on Gemma’s offer and sleep at her place. Gemma opened the door wearing a huge t-shirt and black tights with blue feather prints on them.

“Guess what?” was the first thing out of Cas’ mouth.

“What?”

“I have a boyfriend.”

Gemma huffed a laugh and opened the door wider.

“Good for you, honey. Now get inside, I wanna get some sleep.”

Cas shot her a grin and walked into her bedroom, taking his shoes and jeans off and collapsing onto the bed after Gemma. 

The next morning Cas woke up with a mouthful of dark hair and Gemma’s cold feet against his leg.

“Fucking hell…” he muttered under his breath and sat up, rubbing his eyes.

“Coffee…” Gemma whined without opening her eyes and almost pushed Cas out of bed. Cas smacked her hands away and got up, feeling like a zombie as he walked into her kitchen and started making coffee. The smell was insanely good and he emptied almost half his cup before he’d even reached Gemma’s room. Gemma made an obscene moan when she took her first sip and then slumped down on her pillow again. 

“So what happened yesterday?” she asked with her arm thrown over her forehead. Cas didn’t really feel like talking about it, so he just shrugged and took another mouthful of coffee. Gemma made an ‘mhm’-noise, crawled out of bed and went up to her mirror. “So… boyfriend?” she tried again and Cas felt a blush creep up his cheeks.

“Yeah,” he tried to reply casually. Gemma just grinned at him, so he nicked a drawing pad from her nightstand and focused on that instead. He knew Gemma was giving him time, because eventually he always ended up telling her on his own accord. “It feels nice,” he said after a few minutes of sketching the back of a hand.

“Yeah?” Gemma replied from where she was putting on eyeliner.

“Yeah. He’s still pushy and everything-“

“You don’t say?” Gemma said sarcastically.

“Shush!” Cas shot back. “I actually… kinda like it.” Gemma threw him a glace and Cas rolled his eyes. “It’s just nice to feel wanted, you know.” Cas narrowed his eyes at the drawing. The wrist looked a tiny bit out of proportion. “Apparently he loves me too.”

“What?” Gemma said and turned around. “You’re kidding me?”

“Nope.”

“You’ve know each other for like not even a month!”

“Yeah, it’s kinda weird,” Cas agreed. “But he looked honest enough and I like him, so back off.”

“Does he make your tummy fluttery?” Gemma grinned.

“Actually he does, fuck off,” Cas replied and threw a pillow at her. She just laughed and threw it back on the bed.

“I’m just looking out for you so you don’t end up like last year.” He knew she meant well, but something cold still tugged at Cas’ stomach. He’d spent last year completely shut inside himself, not letting anyone in because letting people in meant getting crushed, and trying to find a way to live with that hole in his chest after Claire. Not really something he’d like to think about right now, but suddenly the good feeling in his chest turned sour.

“Yeah, I know, I know, shut up already. I know you don’t think so, but he’s really, you know… great.” Cas slowly bit on the back of the pencil. There was something off about the shading of the fingers.

“He must be if he managed to get you this cheesy,” Gemma replied dead serious. Cas was halfway through telling her to shut the fuck up before he froze. He stared down at the pad and it dawned on him that he’d unconsciously drawn Dean’s hands. Everything he’d done the last days had been about Dean. Suddenly he felt too attached and like he was spending his life focusing on this guy he’d known a few weeks, and it was bad because being attached meant not being in control of yourself and getting hurt when it all ended and it wasn’t like this was ever gonna last forever and suddenly it was very hard to breathe.

“Cas?”

“What the fuck am I doing?” Cas whispered and frowned at Dean’s hands. They’d known each other for _three weeks_ and were already getting involved and talking about _love_ like that was something completely natural. It wasn’t healthy. He tore out the picture, crumpling it into a ball.

“Hey, it’s alright,” Gemma said and sat down in front of him, pushing the pad away.

“This was a mistake.” Cas put his head in his hands, taking a deep breath. “What the hell was I thinking?”

“Calm the fuck down, okay?” Gemma said and pushed his hands away from his face. “You don’t _have_ to be with that guy.”

“So, what, I should just break up with him?” Cas asked and felt miserable. 

“You don’t have to do anything,” Gemma said calmly. “Think things over and see what you want to do. You have no obligation either way.” Cas nodded and took another deep breath. It sounded reasonable and he felt much calmer, so that probably made sense. Gemma looked at him with watchful eyes and bit her lip, waiting for a response.

“Yeah, alright,” Cas said and leaned forward to kiss her forehead. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” Gemma replied and smiled. “Now get the fuck out of my bed, I wanna go get waffles.”

Cas spent the day ignoring Dean’s existent, ducking the small guilty feeling he got from it, and pointedly avoided thinking things over. He spent the evening sitting by the Hudson River Greenway and smoking, slowly coming to terms with the fact that maybe it wouldn’t crush him to keep seeing Dean. At whatever angle he tried to look on the situation he did still actually like him, even though he had warning signals flashing inside his head for getting involved. Cas sighed deeply and crushed the cigarette against the ground. However much he liked escaping and hiding at the walk by the water, he couldn’t sit here forever. He was just about to get up when he got a text from Dean, being arrogant like usual, and Cas deleted it in pure annoyance.

“Damn jocks,” he muttered under his breath and took out another cigarette.

\-------

Cas thought he should have expected Dean to storm up to him behind the school stairs when he’d ignored him for two days, but he didn’t expect him to confront him in front of all his friends.

“Why haven’t you been picking up your phone?” Dean more or less shouted at him. Cas lifted an eyebrow and glanced at his friends, who were eyeing Dean up and down.

“What happened to being discrete?”

“Don’t be a dick and just answer the question.”

“I’ve been busy.”

“Doing what?”

“Being an independent human being.”

“Okay, whatever. I need to talk to you.”

“About what?”

“Just fucking work with me here!” Dean grunted and leaned over him with his hands on either side of his head, staring him in the eye. Cas stared back, just as stubbornly.

“Cas, you want us to kill him for you?” Gemma asked from the ground. 

“No, it’s fine, I’ll do it myself,” he said and pushed himself off the wall, following Dean around the stairs. “What’s so fucking important?” he asked when Dean came to a halt and turned to him. 

“We’re going on a third date.”

Cas felt his mouth fall open.

“You just screwed up every chance to keep this a secret from all my friends to tell me we’re going on another date?”

“Yeah, guess I did,” Dean said and smiled a little. “You don’t think they’ll tell anyone important, right?” 

“They _are_ important.”

“Yeah, whatever, you know what I mean.”

Castiel paused for a second to think. It wasn’t like they weren’t out in the open already, thanks to Dean, and the blow might be smaller if they did this properly.

“You know what the best way to make sure they don’t tell anyone is?”

“What?”

“Asking them,” Cas said and raised an eyebrow at Dean. He looked very awkward, so Cas took Dean’s wrist and tugged on it. 

“Alright, fine,” Dean groaned and let Cas pulled him back with him. 

“You want us to kill him anyway?” Gemma asked when they returned. Cas could feel everyone’s eyes on him and he wished he could have at least three shots before doing this.

“No, I need you to keep us,” he pointed a finger between Dean and himself, “a secret from everyone else in school.”

“What, you’re dating that guy?” Blake asked. He was slightly taller than Cas, had plugs in his ears and a lip piercing, and could switch between looking like he could burn you with his cigarette without a second thought and a playful kid in one breath.

“Seems like it,” Castiel said and leaned on his arm against the wall. 

“And why do we have to keep it a secret, huh?” Gemma asked and fixed Cas with her eyes. “He’s not just trying to use you, is he?”

“Hey, shut up, bitch!” Dean said. Cas shoved him hard in the chest with his elbow on pure reflex while Gemma yelled ‘asshole’ at him. No one called Gemma stuff unpunished.

“I just need you to do this, okay?” Cas told Gemma and lit a cigarette, taking a long drag. 

“Fine, but if he’s ever being a dick again he’s out in the open,” she warned and Cas snorted.

“I’m afraid being a dick is one of his main characteristics,” he said and Dean rolled his eyes. 

“Like you’re such a fucking angel.”

“Fuck off.”

“Do you always fight like this?” Nora asked and stared at them. She’d gotten pink, green, blue and yellow streaks in her hair since Cas last saw her and apparently Aaron must have made more cigarettes, because she was definitely a bit high. Dean’s eyes began to slide towards Cas’ cigarette and he pulled it away from Dean’s line of sight. It’s just an ordinary Marlboro, Jesus. “Why are you like even together?”

Dean looked a bit hurt and Cas thought she was being unfair, so he slid his arms around Dean’s stomach, hugging that well-built torso, and rested his chin on his shoulder, hoping Dean wouldn’t feel like he was completely on enemy territory.

“He has his benefits,” he said, exhaling some smoke.

“I’m a great lay,” Dean said cockily, making all Cas’ friends moan and Cas wrinkle his nose in awkwardness, before he turned over his shoulder. “I don’t get it, are we doing the whole PDA thing now?” Dean asked.

“You know where the best place to do stuff that people shouldn’t know about is?” he asked and blew smoke in Dean’s face. “Behind the school stairs.”

“Point taken,” Dean grinned and turned around to kiss him.

“Gross!” Nora said and lay down on the ground next to Gemma and Aaron. 

“Does this mean he’s gonna hang out back here all the time?” Gemma asked annoyingly.

“No fucking way,” Dean shot back. “Wouldn’t wanna be anywhere near you, right?”

“Go back to playing with your fucking balls, dickhead!”

“Okay, everybody just shut the fuck up!” Cas said and rubbed his forehead. 

“He’s your goddamn boyfriend…” Gemma muttered and threw him a glare.

Cas sighed and put his cigarette out. This could have gone better.

“So what about this third date?” he asked Dean more privately. 

“I’ve found the perfect movie,” Dean grinned. 

“Oh, fucking hell… Aren’t you even gonna give up?”

“Nope,” Dean said and stroked Cas’ arm, getting a smug look in his eyes. “I’m kinda hoping to get laid too.”

“Winchester, you did not just say what I think you said!” Gemma shouted from the ground and Cas wanted to hug for being so protective. Maybe later.

“Oh, shut up already!” Dean shot back. “Can we get out of here or something?” Cas rolled his eyes.

“I’m gonna get a latte and I suppose I can’t stop you if you want to come with me.”

“That’s more like it,” Dean grinned. Cas drew his phone out of his pocket and then took Dean’s hand in his the second they got off the school area. He’d missed holding Dean’s hand during his few days of rebelling against him. “Your friends are a bunch of dicks,” Dean told him when they were walking across the street to the closest Starbucks.

“Yeah, that’s why I get along with them so well,” Cas replied and pushed the door open. It was completely crammed with people inside. “So what movie is going to get you laid?”

“I can’t tell you that in advance,” Dean said with a grin. “But it’s completely awesome and I picked it out just for you.” Cas almost groaned.

“If you’re considering showing me a fucking porno as a third date-“

“Oh, just stop it,” Dean said and looked at him like he was an idiot. “You don’t have too much confidence in me, do you?”

“Of course I don’t, you listen to German rock.”

“Like your collection of British boy bands are so much better.”

“I’m not the one who can’t stop humming Arctic Monkeys.”

They stared at each other until it started tugging on Cas’ lips and Dean just grinned really big at him.

“Asshole,” Dean mumbled fondly, turned him around to stand behind him and discreetly bury his hands underneath his sweater. Cas wanted to sink into Dean’s warm jacket and disappear in there.

“So when do you wanna make sure you’ll probably never get inside my pants again?” he mused.

“It’s a fucking good movie, I already told you,” Dean huffed and kissed him behind the ear, leaving a small tingle there. “Are you free tonight?”

“No, sorry.”

“Why not?”

“We’re going to a gig,” Cas said and started replying to a text from Kyle about that very thing. Kyle was a college guy with dark brown hair and arm tattoos who usually supplied them with whatever illegal substances Cas and his friends wanted.

“So you’re basically getting drunk?” Dean asked amusedly. 

“At a _gig_.”

“Yeah, whatever. How about Friday?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“It’ll be great this time, promise,” Dean said quietly and leaned his cheek against Cas’ temple.

“It was pretty great the other times too,” Cas mumbled as he read through Kyle’s reply and Dean went quiet behind him. When the stressed out barista asked what Cas wanted Dean slipped away until they were outside again. Then he took Cas’ hand and pulled him in to kiss him on the cheek.

They went a few blocks down before Dean would have to back to school to not miss his soccer practice. Cas had barely gotten halfway through his latte before Dean snatched it away and nudged him up against a wall in a small, empty street. 

“If I wasn’t sure we’d get caught I’d make you come into school with me and lock us into a janitor’s closet,” Dean murmured and traced the tip of his tongue along Cas’ jaw.

“Fuck, get off me,” Cas muttered. What was Dean doing out here then, getting him a hard on for fun?

“Don’t ignore me again, okay?” Dean told him and Cas sighed. The guy was a rollercoaster.

“Whatever,” Cas said and Dean glared a little. “Don’t you have a ball to kick on?”

“Well, fuck you too,” Dean muttered sullenly. Cas bumped his nose against Dean’s and when it started tugging on Dean’s lips he leaned in and kissed him.

Cas was halfway home with the Strokes in his earphones when Blake texted and told him they were all going home to Aaron to smoke his new made cigarettes before the gig and Cas wasn’t gonna miss that. He got off the subway train to switch to another and was just about to click on a playlist and change song when he stopped and hovered over the screen for a moment. Then he clicked the search bar instead and entered Metallica, adding the top ten songs to a playlist without knowing any of them. Couldn’t hurt though, he thought as he clicked on ‘Nothing else matters’ and then continued walking towards the right platform. Once on it he searched for Iron Maiden and Motörhead too just for the sake of it. 

\-------

Once at the gig everything was comfortably calm and fun. The high was starting to fade, but the peaceful buzz was still in his skin. He was leaning against the bar with Gemma next to him and a sweaty, ecstatic-looking girl they didn’t know on his other side.

“Aren’t they awesome?” she squealed excitedly. “I’m like so in love with them!” She sprinted away with her oversized tank top barely keeping up with her.

“Am I still high?” Gemma asked and watched the girl bounce away with a wry frown on her face. Cas huffed a laugh and bought her another beer. When the second band was just getting started Dave sneaked up next to Cas with an jumpy look on his face.

“Hey,” he said tensely and Cas raised an eyebrow.

“Hey.”

“So I was thinking,” Dave started. Cas could barely contain his excitement. “You free right now?”

“What?” Cas said and Gemma leaned around him to indiscreetly eavesdrop. 

“Do you wanna go somewhere?” Dave murmured quietly and threw Gemma a dirty glare to make her go away. She didn’t move an inch. It took Cas a couple of seconds to catch up on that he was being asked.

“Are you trying to hook up with me?” he asked and Dave just shrugged. “I have a boyfriend.”

“Big deal, you seemed to like it last time,” Dave said and Cas got a bad taste in his mouth.

“I’m sorry, what?” Gemma said and gave Cas a pointed look.

“I was high,” Cas told her. “And I fucking wasn’t with anyone then.”

“Come on, just a blowjob,” Dave pushed and Cas ran out of patience.

“What the fuck, you’re not even gay!” he said and Gemma started tugging on his arm.

“So what, maybe I wanna try stuff?” Dave shot back.

“Go find somebody else, I’m not your fucking playground,” Cas scoffed and Dave looked like he could have hit him if Gemma hadn’t dragged him out of there first. Cas started wishing he’d gone and watched a movie with Dean instead. Now he was just standing there, feeling angry, protective and missing Dean, _a lot_. Dean would probably have cuddled with him. Sneaked his nose up behind Cas’ ear and held a strong arm around his chest. Maybe they would have had sex. Cas sighed. Having feelings sucked. And then he realised he actually had feelings, like real feelings, for Dean. He was falling in love.

Cas was really glad he was practically leaning against a wall already, because he lost his balance for a moment. It felt like getting a punch and a bucket of ice cold water over his head and his chest constricted, leaving him with the urge to bolt. He tried to take a deep breath and get his lungs to function again. _Why am I freaking out?_ It was stupid. Stupid, unnecessary and he was overreacting. He took another deep breath. _Alright, it’s alright._ He pushed a hand through his hair and swallowed, starting towards the exit to get a smoke and calm down.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” Dave started when he walked past him.

“Whatever, just fuck off,” Cas told him.

On his way home later he listened to ‘Welcome to the jungle’ by Guns N’ Roses. His playlist was getting a longer list of classic rock every other day, but maybe it wasn’t that bad after all.


	3. Don't forget whose legs you're on

The third date turned out to be Dean having found a movie called ‘Cass.’ It was terribly cheesy and Cas absolutely loved it. It evolved from finishing watching ‘the Amazing Spider-Man’ instead to them going to a club, blowjobs in an empty office where Cas used to smoke a various amount of things last year, and Cas inviting Dean over the next day. 

After he’d said goodbye to Dean, Cas went home to Gemma, only to let himself in and find her crying on the bed in her room.

“Shit,” he cursed and went up to the bed, leaning his arms against the mattress. “Hey, what’s wrong?” Gemma sat up with mascara all over her face and made an angry sound.

“Aaron is a fucking asshole!” she sobbed. She dried her cheeks, only smearing out the makeup even more. Cas sighed and reached over to her chest of drawers, taking a bottle that said Make-Up Remover from on top of it and a cotton wool pad.

“What did he do?” he asked and sat down in front of her, forcing her hands away from her face and starting to clean up underneath her eyes.

“He cheated on me,” she said with a small voice and Cas stopped with the cotton pad pressed against her cheek.

“He fucking what?” he asked furiously. New tears started rolling down Gemma’s cheeks. 

“He called me and told me he’d been with a bartender from the fucking Village for weeks,” she sobbed angrily. “He fucking broke up over _the phone_!” She grabbed the makeup remover and threw it into the wall as hard as she could with a furious growl. Cas moved forward, holding her still and squeezing her tight. He didn’t get another audible answer from her for surely twenty minutes, so he just brushed his fingers through her hair until Gemma pulled away and tried to dry her nose.

“Shit, your t-shirt,” she said and rubbed her thumb over Cas’ shoulder. When Cas looked down he saw that it was covered with makeup.

“It doesn’t matter.” He took her hand to keep her from trying to reach over again. Gemma sniffled loudly.

“Can we hurt him?” she asked and Cas was so tempted to say yes.

“I’m not sure,” he replied instead and brushed her hair away from covering half of her angry face.

“Can we at least hurt his car then?”

“Sure.”

“Good enough,” Gemma said and got off the bed.

Aaron lived only 10 minutes away, unfortunately for him, so it didn’t take long before Cas and Gemma stood in front of his car along with Noel, who lived practically next door to the unlucky asshole, Sophie - who had dark hair, Asian features, dressed in rockabilly clothes and went to their school but rarely actually went - and Tara, a girl with long light purple hair who Gemma met at some party ages ago and had clicked with in two seconds. Cas thought that he should probably be more alarmed by the fact that so many of their friends showed up in the middle of the night to ruin someone’s car. Noel had brought beers down with him and handed one to Sophie, making it look like they were about to have a fucking party or something.

“Well, let’s get started,” Gemma said bitterly and Cas pulled out the folding knife Gemma had given him. Gemma pulled out another one and disappeared on the other side of the car. A few seconds later there was another bang as the knife went into the tire. Cas kneeled next to a tire and shoved the knife into the rubber, causing another loud bang. Tara made herself busy with scratching her own knife against the hood while Sophie and Noel stood next to each other and talked with a beer each like nothing out of the ordinary was going on. Cas moved to the next tire and pushed the knife through that one too, getting up to his feet again and pushing the knife into his pocket. 

When the last bang come from the other side of the car Gemma stood up and discreetly brushed a tear away. Cas reached his arm out when she went around the car and let her sneak her arm around his lower back underneath his jacket. Noel started handing out beers with a huge grin and told everyone this earned them a trip to get midnight pancakes.

\-------

Cas was standing outside his apartment late the following morning, smoking and feeling restless while he waited for the aspirin to kill his headache, so he looked around his phone for a song to send to Dean. He came across ‘Thorn in my side’ by The Crash and sent it before he could change his mind, although Dean out-lamed him by sending ‘Love song’ by AC/DC. Cas sent _‘Stop being so fucking sentimental and just get over here already.’_ before he went upstairs again. _‘Be there in 20’_ Dean replied and Cas leaned against the kitchen counter and looked down at the text. He was actually kinda hungry. Maybe he should order food. Dean probably wanted pizza. The next big problem was trying to come up with what kind to order. Cas stared at the menu lying in one of the kitchen drawers, chewing his lip, for a good five minutes before he got mad at himself and thought that if Dean didn’t like it he could just go and order his own goddamn pizza next time.

Just after he’d ordered the doorbell rang and he went out into the hallway and opened the door to see Dean standing there with a Starbucks cup.

“I got you a latte,” he said.

“I ordered pizza,” Cas replied and held up the take away menu he was still holding. Dean grinned at him.

“I knew we’d be great together!”

“You’re ridiculous,” Cas told him fondly.

“Psychic is more like it,” he said and walked inside. “We alone?”

“Yep.”

“Well, perfect,” he grinned and pushed their lips together. Cas instantly wanted him to do it again and then he couldn’t stop looking into Dean’s eyes that were locked on his. The sun shining in from the living room made the green in Dean’s eyes stand out even more and Cas had a small urge to swallow. “Here,” Dean said eventually and handed over the Starbucks cup. 

“Thanks.”

“You’re so friendly nowadays,” Dean chuckled. “It almost feels weird.”

“Oh, fuck off,” Cas replied without too much force. 

“Well, fuck you too. You still don’t have the same bite though, even if I appreciate the effort.” Dean stroked his cheek and Cas just rolled his eyes.

“Maybe you don’t piss me off so much anymore,” Cas said and took a sip of the coffee in a hope that this discussion would be over.

“Or…” Dean said slowly and smirked at him. “Maybe you’re actually starting to like me for real.”

“Don’t flatter yourself, dickhead,” Cas shot back too quickly. He wanted to wince, because he was pretty sure he just outed himself.

“Just say it, asshole,” Dean purred and moved in on Cas until his back hit the wall. “Come on, tell me how you feel.” Cas had no plan whatsoever on _ever_ saying it, but Dean was standing so close, his green eyes were looking straight at him and Cas’ heart was beating so hard in his chest that when Dean cupped his jaw and murmured “say it” it just slipped out.

“I’m falling in love with you,” Cas whispered. He felt paralyzed and couldn’t move his eyes from Dean’s. And Dean just stared back at him, just stood there, gaping, for what felt like an eternity.

“What?” Dean finally breathed. 

“I’m not saying it again,” Cas said quickly.

“You don’t have to.” Dean looked like he was searching for words. “I… I mean, you… wow.” He laughed at himself and Cas felt the ice cold stress pour away. He put a hand on Dean’s neck and pulled him down, kissing him gently and the feelings in his chest swirled to life, so he pulled Dean closer and felt Dean’s hand in his hair and wanted to stay like that forever. Then suddenly the doorbell rang and they both jumped, Cas hitting his head in the wall. After the disrupting pizza guy had come and gone Cas pulled Dean with him upstairs with the pizza and then they just talked until Cas started doodling an angel surrounded by roses and Dean got overly curious.

“Hey, boyfriend?” he said and Cas looked up, surprised. “What are you drawing?”

“Nothing, really,” he replied and Dean peeked over his drawn up knees. 

“Dude,” Dean said and reached further across him to get a better look, his side being more or less pressed against Cas’ chest. “That’s not nothing, it’s awesome.”

“Oh, stop it, it’s just some doodles.”

“Don’t be such an attention whore. If I say it’s awesome, it’s fucking awesome,” Dean told him and Cas rolled his eyes. “Draw something proper then.” He pushed Castiel in the side. “Come on, show me what you can do."

“I don’t draw on command,” Cas told him huffily.

“You do now,” Dean said and leaned close, breathing over his lips. “Please?” It wasn’t fair, it really wasn’t fair, but Cas still couldn’t tear his eyes from Dean’s lips and he felt a tingling in his own, wanting to kiss him so bad if it weren’t for the fact that Dean was just teasing him.

“Fucking fine then,” he muttered and got up to get a pad and a better pencil. He slumped back down next to Dean and pushed his sleeves up his forearms, trying to come up with something to draw. “Do you have any requirements?”

“Nah, just do whatever you want.” 

Cas hummed and turned the pad over, leaning it against his drawn up thighs. He started sketching, but Dean was practically leaning over his shoulder already and he couldn’t focus.

“Fuck off, I can’t concentrate,” Cas said and drew the contours to a cliff.

“Well, I’m fucking sorry then,” Dean mumbled and got up, starting to go through Cas’ bookcase. Cas could see out of the corner of his eye how Dean took out the picture of Claire that he had put between two books and Cas smiled to himself. She was 6 and Joshua had taken them to Central Park during a lunch break when they followed him to the office one day in August. She’d lost her first tooth the same morning and she’s been so proud about it that Joshua bought them ice cream to celebrate. 

“Put on some music, will you?” he murmured and Dean went over to his computer. ‘West coast’ by Cocoanut Records started playing and Dean sat down behind Cas on his bed, seeming restless. Then Dean’s hand push through Cas’ hair and his arms snaked their way around his neck and Dean’s chin rested on top of his head. Cas felt delighted, but the fact remained that he couldn’t draw like this. Dean suggested a break and Cas suggested they’d go up on the rooftop, only to have them running in to Hester at the bottom of the staircase. 

“Oh. Hello,” she said and gave Dean a thorough once-over. Cas didn’t like it. “You must be a friend of Castiel’s?” She extended her hand. “I’m Hester Novak, Castiel’s mother.”

“Dean Winchester, nice to meet you,” Dean said and smiled.

“Yes, pleasure.” 

Cas glared at her and felt how the irritation increased. 

“We’re going up,” he said frostily and nudged Dean towards the door. 

“Castiel,” Hester said behind them. “Hand them over.” Cas turned around. Was she really gonna do this? Have some sick power battle right in front of Dean? “Now.”

Cas sighed huffily and pulled out the cigarette pack, slamming it into Hester’s hand. Hester was looking at him with those cold eyes and Cas glared right back before he pushed Dean out the door. He couldn’t believe what an asshole Hester was and now he had nothing to smoke.

He leaned against the railing when they got up on the rooftop and twitched his fingers that should have a cigarette between them right now. It was unbearably annoying. He glanced over at Dean, who stood gazing out over the city. The view was pretty great, but Cas was more interested in watching Dean. The wind was pulling on his clothes and the orange, late afternoon light was making his tan stand out. Cas thought he was pretty beautiful.

“You wanna crash here tonight?” he asked and Dean just looked at him with wide, almost absentminded eyes for several seconds. It kinda hurt a little when he didn’t reply and Cas almost felt stupid for asking him. “You don’t have to, you know, if you don’t want to,” he mumbled when Dean still hadn’t said anything and Dean’s lips started tugging.

“Feeling insecure there, Cassie?” 

“Fuck off. And don’t call me Cassie.”

“Why not? It’s cute.” Cas glared at him.

“Just fucking don’t, okay?”

“Touched a soar spot, didn’t I?” Dean grinned and Cas sighed deeply, leaning his forehead against his arms.

“Shit, I need a smoke…” he mumbled to himself.

“Hey, chill out, okay?” Dean said and rolled his eyes. “Now, seriously, tell me why.”

“Why what?”

“What’s wrong with Cassie?” Cas narrowed his eyes.

“Do you always have to be so fucking nosy?”

“Yeah, I kinda do,” Dean said and leaned a bit closer. “I wanna know you, you know.” Cas looked up at him and narrowed his eyes further, wiping his nose on his shoulder.

“It’s Claire,” Cas gave in and tiredly rubbed his forehead. “She couldn’t pronounce Castiel when she was little so it turned into Cassie even though everyone else said Cas and then it kinda stuck, so it was the only thing she ever called me.”

“Oh, dude, I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine,” Cas replied, waving it away with a hand, and then grunted, “Why did she have to take them right fucking now…?” 

“Hey, you can suck on my finger if you want to,” Dean grinned and Cas got so irritated he felt like he’d explode.

“Real funny, dickhead.”

“Suit yourself.” 

“You’re really annoying, you know that right?” he told him offensively, but Dean just smiled.

“Yeah, but you’re in love with me,” he shot back and Cas tried to stay mad, he really did, but Dean looked so happy with himself.

“You never answered the question,” Cas said instead.

“Huh?”

“If you wanna sleep here tonight.”

“No, I’d rather sleep by myself in my own cold bed and wake up to my brother singing in the shower,” Dean said sarcastically and rolled his eyes. Cas laughed quietly and felt much better. “And it’d save me from a jerk off,” Dean added and cocked an eyebrow. 

“What, you don’t like it?”

“Sure, but it’s never the same as the real thing,” Dean said and hooked an arm around Cas’ stomach, pulling him against that warm body.

“My parents are home and no, you’re not getting laid with them in the house.” 

“I could always blow you up here,” Dean smirked and Cas just looked at him for a moment. It actually wasn’t such a terrible idea. He leaned in and pressed his lips to Dean’s, forcing them apart and stroking his tongue against his feeling his heart starting to beat harder. When he unzipped Dean’s jeans Dean made a surprised sound and Cas felt kinda smug. After pushing Dean’s shorts down and starting to stroke him Dean gasped into Cas’ mouth and it was so delicious. Cas absolutely loved that he could do this to Dean. 

When Dean pushed Cas’ jeans down and started stroking him, Cas’ breath got stuck in his throat. He felt like white fire was licking at the inside of his skin and when he looked up at Dean he had to most beautifully aroused look on his face. Cas thought there should be laws against a face like that just as Dean pushed Cas’ hand away and started stroking them together. Cas buried his face against Dean’s neck and tried to breathe. It felt so good and Dean was breathing heavily, his chest heaving against Cas’. Cas wished it’d never end. He wanted to feel Dean pressed against him forever and to be in this isolated, safe zone where just the two of them and the pleasure existed and when he came it was perhaps not the biggest, but yet the best orgasm in his life.

\-------

After they’d showered Cas finally finished the goddamn drawing. He’d drawn a wide landscape with willows and a cliff where a man with guns and teared clothes were looking over his shoulder with a serious expression. Cas made him look like Dean just for the hell of it and Dean seemed to actually tear up. 

“It’s awesome,” he said quietly and cleared his throat. Cas huffed where he was sitting behind him.

“You’re not gonna start crying, are you?” he said sarcastically.

“Hey, shut up, asshole.” 

Cas huffed a laugh and pressed a lingering kiss to Dean’s neck.

“I’m taking that smoke now,” he said and stood up. He got up on his toes and pulled out another cigarette pack from behind the books in his bookcase. “You wanna drool over some picture or come with me?” Dean chuckled and got up.

“I don’t know about you, but I could use a burger.”

“Sounds great,” Cas said and pulled on a light grey sweater. “Let’s go.”

Dean picked up his military green jacket from the floor and followed him down to the street. The second they got outside Cas put a cigarette between he lips and lit it with a satisfied sigh.

“Dude, that’s just tragic,” Dean told him and grinned when Cas amused eyes flickered to him. He was just about to check his phone only to realise that he’d left it on his desk.

“Shit, I forgot my phone,” he said and looked up towards his window in something close to shock.

“You did?” Dean said cheerfully. “Oh, man, I’m totally taking the credit for that one!”

“Shut up, I’ll be right back.”

“Oh, no, I don’t think so,” Dean said and held him back from darting up the stairs. “You’re so in love you’re even forgetting you phone now?”

“I said shut up!” Cas sneered irritably. Why did Dean always have to cling to him and drag him around? He was used to going wherever he wanted, whenever he wanted, and then this asshole came along and started holding onto him.

“But I’m totally right though, aren’t I?” Dean purred with his infuriatingly strong arms keeping Cas from moving even an inch. “Come on, you can go like one hour without it.”

“Fuck off and let go of me!” Cas fumed and tried to bend Dean’s hands away.

“Just one hour,” Dean begged. “Come on, I’ll let you hold my hand the entire way.”

“You’re such a pain in the ass,” Cas said under his breath. “I’m so not in love with you anymore.”

“Shut up, dickhead,” Dean said and hit him in the head. 

“Fuck you, Dean,” Cas said harshly. Dean let go of him, holding out his hand with a small, knowing smirk. “Fucking asshole,” Cas muttered under his breath as he took it reluctantly. He felt properly pissed off as he interlaced his fingers with Dean’s.

“You’re so totally in love with me,” Dean told him cockily. Cas threw him a dark look, but irritatingly enough he couldn’t even try to stay mad, so he sighed in surrender and put his arms around Dean’s neck, inhaling with his nose against his throat. Dean had that subtle, musky fragrance on and his pulse was beating against the tip of Cas’ nose.

“Not a word to anyone,” he threatened quietly and Dean chuckled.

“Dude, you’re such a big softy,” Dean said and Cas smacked his in the back of the head. “Can I tell you I love you now without you getting all cranky about it?” Cas got a tense sting in his stomach.

“Dean, I’m still not sure I can-“

“Shut your mouth and just take what you’re offered.” 

“Fine.”

Cas felt Dean’s hand on his shoulders, gently shoving him away before Dean’s nose stroked against his. 

“You’re a complete dickhead, you know,” Dean started with his kind, green eyes only a few inches away. “And I love you.”

Cas just stood there and felt warmth spread out into his fingertips. It wasn’t fair that he let Dean say those things when he didn’t get them back in return, but Cas wasn’t going to say things he didn’t truly mean, both for his own and for Dean’s sake, and if Dean felt like he had to express it then why would be stop him? Instead Cas leaned forward and kissed him.

“Are we gonna stop behaving like fucking 13-yearold girls now?” he asked and Dean laughed out into the empty street. It was a wonderful sound.

“Yeah, good idea,” he said and took Cas’ hand again, leading him towards a diner.

\-------

When Cas woke up the next morning he was a bit confused to why he had green eyes looking at him before he remembered that Dean had stayed and slept in his bed. He felt tingles in his chest and a sleepy smile spread on his face and Dean instantly smiled back. Cas wanted to be closer, so he shuffled a bit more towards Dean and stroked his freckles with a finger. He realised he was probably being really silly, but he was barely awake and Dean was so warm and nice.

“Where did this come from?” Dean murmured quietly. Cas kissed him before he leaned his nose against Dean’s neck and smelled his skin with every inhalation. He thought that Dean should without question sleep in his bed more often, so he could snooze with Dean’s soft skin against his face and Dean’s arm around his back.

When they’d dragged themselves out of bed Cas started digging around his room for clothes while Dean got dressed and then started going through the pictures in Cas’ drawing pad. He was so gentle with the drawing and Cas thought it was unnecessary, but Dean just told him to fuck off. Cas was just about to take out a pack of cigarettes from his bookshelf when he realised that the small bag of LSD hidden behind his colognes was missing. Oh, _shit_. Cas felt his heartbeat speeding up and he glanced towards the door with a foreboding feeling in his stomach. Why had someone been in his room? Oh, shit, this was not going to be a fun conversation. Cas glanced at Dean and then at the clock on his phone. No one should be home right now so they should be safe and then he could just spend the next week not going home and hoping everything would be forgotten by then.

He was convinced they were alone as he led Dean down into the kitchen to get breakfast, but of course Hester stood in there. Of fucking course. Cas felt his heart stop for a second and tried to think of a way they could escape while Hester was having polite conversation with Dean.

“How about Starbucks?” he asked Dean absently while he picked on his nails.

“Sounds great.”

“Dean, may I speak with my son alone for a moment?” Hester said and Castiel looked up. Oh, fuck.

“Sure, I’ll just… wait downstairs,” Dean said and pulled on a smile.

When Dean walked right past him Cas wanted nothing more than to pull him to a stop and make him never leave him alone again. But of course he couldn’t and when the front door shut the silence was too thick and quite.

“So, Castiel,” Hester said ominously and leaned over the table. Cas refused to lower his eyes. “I was under the impression we had already made this clear.”

“Made _what_ clear?” Cas asked. 

“Don’t even try that,” Hester said and stood up. “We found that godforsaken LSD in your bookcase.” _Shit._ “Not only are you under no circumstances allowed to take drugs, but you do not keep them in this house.”

“I don’t see why you would care,” Cas muttered to himself and Hester made a frustrated noise.

“How can you still don’t understand?”

“Oh, I understand perfectly, I just don’t give a shit,” Cas said and watched with great satisfaction as Hester fisted her hands with anger.

“Go talk to your father, immediately,” she hissed and straightened out her suit jacket as she walked around the table.

“Hell no,” Cas replied, only to have her taking his arm in a death grip.

“Do as I say,” she said quietly. “Right now.” If eyes could kill Cas would probably be down and bleeding by now.

“Okay, shit, fine,” Cas mumbled and pulled his arm free. 

On the way out Cas took the time to send Kyle a text to tell him the LSD wasn’t going to happen anymore. When he got outside Dean was leaning against the railing with his phone in his hands. He looked up when the door fell shut behind Cas and a small frown flickered over his face.

“Everything okay?” 

“Yeah, sure,” Cas lied and pushed the phone in the pocket on his brown jacket. “Hey, look, I’m sorry, but I can’t go to Starbucks.”

“Why not?” Dean asked with a disappointed look on his face. Cas felt his defensive walls go up.

“There are some things I gotta do,” he answered indifferently.

“Like what?”

“Like personal stuff I can’t tell you about,” Cas said and lightened a cigarette.

“Okay, fine,” Dean muttered and shoved his phone into his pocket. Cas didn’t know what to do about it though, because it wasn’t like he could go running to this guy every time something difficult happened. What was he supposed to tell him anyway? ‘My evil mother took the drugs I was gonna get high on this weekend and now I owe lots of people money.’ Yeah, that’d end well. “Well, I guess I’ll see you around then,” Dean said when Cas didn’t say anything. He started walking towards the car parked across the street and Cas felt his stomach sink.

“Hey!” he called after him.

“What?” Dean said and turned around.

“You’re not even gonna give me a kiss?” Cas asked and actually worried what the answer would be. Dean shifted a little from foot to foot, before he groaned after what felt like ages and walked back to Cas again.

“I’m still mad at you,” he muttered, but his arms went around Cas’ neck anyway, and Cas snorted.

“What, for not telling you every fucking thing about my life?” 

“Yes, exactly.”

Cas put the cigarette out and pushed his nose against Dean’s neck, reaching his hands down to put them in Dean’s back pockets. His chest made a satisfied tingle now that he was close to Dean again.

“You sure you can’t tell me?” Dean tried.

“Don’t push it.”

“Fine.”

For a minute Cas really wished he’d never gotten that LSD in the first place, because then he wouldn’t have a huge mess to sort out and he could go to Starbucks with Dean instead and have Dean hug him from behind in the line and do all the other overly sappy things Dean did that Cas still really liked.

“Well…” Castiel said instead and lifted his head, not resisting kissing Dean’s lips when his eyes landed on them. “Thanks for staying over.”

“Thanks for having me.”

“Sorry about my mom.”

“Dude, it’s okay. She’s kinda polite and all.”

“Yeah, I know, they both are.”

“It really sucks if they make you feel shitty.”

“Dean, leave it.”

“I just wanted you to know,” he said and pulled his hand through Cas’s hair. “I know it’s none of my business, but I’m really glad you’re here and everything and I think they’re wrong and… stuff… you know.” Somewhere in that ball of rambling Cas could swear there was the nicest thing Dean had ever told him.

“Was that supposed to be a compliment?”

“I don’t even know what that was,” Dean chuckled, “but I’m cashing in that kiss now.” His hand in Cas’ hair tightened its grip slightly and then Dean leaned down to kiss the corner of Cas’ mouth. Cas kissed him back and then Dean pushed their lips together for real and the moan he made when Cas’ tongue touched his made Cas’ stomach do a flip. Cas pressed on his ass to make him come closer, before he sneaked his hands up to hold on to Dean’s waist and that’s when he felt Dean’s car keys in his pocket. Well, this could be fun. Dean was busy abusing Cas’ mouth, so he carefully fished the keys out and put them in his own pocket. He pushed one small kiss to Dean’s lips and then pulled away, wondering how many minutes he’d have before Dean noticed his keys were gone.

“See you,” Cas said with a small smile and turned around and started walking in the direction away from the car. When Dean’s back was turned he snuck the keys from his pocket and shoved them in the inner pocket instead. Cas got to somewhere around 18 seconds before he heard Dean shouting behind him and when he turned around he couldn’t keep the smirk off his face. Dean looked so pissed off. This was probably the most fun Cas had had in ages. Dean was rushing towards him and two seconds later Cas’ back slammed against the building behind him. 

“Give them back, you fucking bastard,” Dean hissed intimidatingly.

“I don’t think so,” Cas replied with a small grin, holding Dean’s wrists that were currently pushing him against the wall and with Dean’s hot, angry breaths falling on his face. This seemed to turn out to be not only fun, but kinda hot too. 

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Dean muttered and let go of Cas’ jacket to rummage through his pockets. Cas secretly indulged in how Dean’s hands were diggings around pretty much everywhere. “So fucking unnecessary…”

“Hey, you steal my phone, I steal your keys,” Cas said and Dean stopped to glare at him.

“Aren’t you being a bit too goddamn rancorous right now?”

“You had it coming, asshole.”

“You’re never getting a fucking kiss ever again,” Dean mumbled. ‘Tough love,’ Cas thought and wanted to kiss him even more. Dean flared his hands when he’d gone through every single pocket and still hadn’t found the keys. “If you’ve hid them in your pants then I’m fucking breaking up with you,” he said angrily and Cas snorted, amused.

“That’s gross.”

“Yeah, it is!” Dean sighed and leaned on his arms on either side of Cas’ head. “What do you want?” 

_For you not to leave me with the mess I made for myself._

“Oh, I don’t know. Vinyl records, cigarettes, a car. I’m not that picky.”

“You should consider yourself lucky if I don’t break your nose.”

“Hm, yeah, I suppose,” Cas agreed and leaned back against the wall. “You kinda suck for not finding them yet though.”

“Oh fucking goddamn it,” Dean breathed and went through the pockets on Cas’ jacket again and when his hands dug through the front pockets on his jeans Cas sighed erotically. Dean blushed and shoved him in the stomach before he moved his hands to Cas’ back pockets, standing with his arms around him and only an inch between their faces. Cas smirked and put his hands on Dean’s hips, pulling him towards him, and kissed him. Dean only resisted for a second before his eyes slid shut and he moved his arms up to go around Cas and hug him closer. Cas was very aware of how the keys were pushing against his chest and right on cue Dean pushed him away and hauled his jacket open.

“You have a fucking inner pocket?” he said angry and pushed his hand inside it, fishing up his keys. Cas just laughed.

“You really do suck, Dean.”

“Hey, shut your mouth!” Cas snorted and moved to get away from the wall, but Dean put a hand on his chest and pushed him back against it. “Oh no, you stupid son of bitch.” Dean slammed their lips together and Cas instinctively tried to hold him off, but Dean was an unmoving force that kept moving closer and kissed Cas in a way that was fucking mind-blowing, so Cas closed his eyes and pressed them even closer together. Dean pulled back far too soon after that, keeping his arms around Cas’ waist and leaned their foreheads together. Cas couldn’t believe how this was something that was really a part of his life.

“I really gotta go now,” he breathed and shoved on Dean’s chest.

“I’m so not done with you,” Dean warned him as he let himself be pushed away.

“Remember who you’re messing with, Winchester,” Cas said and fished up a cigarette. “I’ve done more than slicing tires.”

“I should fucking call the police on you.”

“Yeah, you go ahead and try,” Cas snorted and blew smoke in his face just to see Dean do that ‘ugh, _smoke_ ’ face. “Have a nice day, fuckhead.”

“I hope you burn yourself again!” Dean called after him and Cas laughed quietly as he put his earphones in. 

\-------

The visit at his father’s office ended in Cas getting the biggest tell-off in history and then being grounded, which kinda made him feel like fifteen again, so naturally Cas went straight home to Gemma’s after changing clothes at home. ‘Grounded’ was code word for Joshua not really having time to deal with him, but something still had to be done about his miscreant of a son. It was a win-win situation really.

Gemma was in the shower when he got there, so Cas just let himself in and dumped himself on the floor with his back against Gemma’s bed, pulling the sweater over his head. ‘1996’ was playing from Gemma’s iPhone speaker and Cas just sat there with his sweater in his hands and listened for a while. The sweater was dark brown with dark red and blue unsymmetrical triangles and it was fucking horrid, Cas realised. He made a face at it before he threw it in a corner and slumped down until he could rest his head against he bed and hummed on the song. 

_We were cloning sheep in the 1990s,_  
 _We were building telescopes,_  
 _And sugar filled the whole of my body,_  
 _As I urged it on to grow._

_I kissed her on the cheek,_  
 _I kissed her on the cheek,_  
 _Just to impress the older kids,_  
 _But my self belief, my self belief,_  
 _Wasn't lost in the modern glitch._

_'Cause now it feels like,_  
 _We kiss with one eye on our T.V. set,_  
 _And the more I give, the less I get,_  
 _Needing fairground rides just to spark her smile,_  
 _There's little here to miss,_  
 _Bring back 1996,_

“Hey,” Gemma said as she walked in in just panties and a black tank top. “How was daddy?”

“Busy,” Cas replied with a yawn. 

“Shocker,” Gemma snorted and pulled on a pair of jeans. Her eyes fell on the sweater and she picked it up. “You throwing it away?”

“Yeah.”

“Great,” she said and pulled it over her head, folding up the sleeves. “Hey, can you draw a rose on my upper arm?”

“What?” Cas asked with a frown.

“Yeah, I wanna see what it looks like,” she said and double-clicked on another playlist on her phone. ‘R U Mine’ started playing and Cas shot up and almost slammed the button to change song. Gemma just raised a questioning eyebrow at him. 

“Anyway, a rose?” Cas said and snatched a pen from Gemma’s desk.

“Yeah,” Gemma replied and sat down on the floor with her legs crossed. Cas sat down on his heels behind her, pulled down the neckline and stared lining rose petals high up on her arm. “If you do it well maybe I’ll get it tattooed,” Gemma said teasingly and Cas snorted. “So what did you do yesterday?”

“I had sex on the rooftop,” Cas said and Gemma went stiff.

“Oh, well, fucking great for you then,” she muttered after a few seconds and Cas chuckled and moved his free hand from her shoulder to her neck to make his drawing hand steadier. “You know, you’re no fun anymore because you always sound much more exciting than I.”

“Fuck off,” Cas said without too much conviction. “How about you then?”

“I had very regular sex with Alex.” 

Cas paused and frowned.

“Who the hell is Alex?”

“A guy I met last weekend.”

“You never told me about him,” Cas said and tried to not be a little bit hurt.

“We’ve only met those two times,” Gemma said indifferently before adding a small: “Sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Cas said and tried to see if the pen would do shadings. “Was he any good then?”

“He was okay,” Gemma replied and started braiding her hair. “How was the rooftop?”

“Hot,” Cas said with a grin.

“I’m guessing you didn’t just have weird sex all night.”

“It wasn’t weird,” Cas protested. “And we ate and he made me draw and lots of other shit and then he stayed over.”

“Made you draw?” Gemma repeated with a funny tone in her voice.

“Yeah,” Cas replied and put the lid on the pen. “I made him this apocalyptic soldier looking like him and he practically cried.” 

“That’s pathetic,” Gemma said mercilessly and Cas tapped her in the head with the pen.

“I, eh…” he started and fiddled with the lid. “Told him I was falling in love with him.” Gemma looked at him over her shoulder.

“Are you?”

“Yeah,” Cas mumbled and felt his cheeks heating. Gemma started smiling at him.

“You’re fucking adorable,” she said and Cas snorted.

“Fuck off.”

“No way,” she grinned and picked him on the nose.

\-------

The next day when he got home things got even worse because when he emptied the washing machine Dean’s t-shirt fell out. He’d left it at Cas’ after the rooftop because it’d been a disgusting mess. Cas chewed on his lip and looked down at it in his hands before he went into his room again and put it on a chair, feeling it’s presence until it drove him mad and he fled out of the apartment to join Ell and Noel at a bar. When he woke up the next day he was wearing that stupid t-shirt.

A few days later Cas realised he loved Dean. Like, for real, loved him. The thought almost made him trip over his own feet and fall down the stairs to the subway. So of course he did what any normal person would and promptly decided to avoid Dean at all costs. He still couldn’t help pulling Dean’s t-shirt over his head, though, when he got home and lay down on the bed to sketch. The whole avoiding thing went fine until he accidentally crossed paths with him in school and everything went to hell.

Sophie had turned up to school after skipping it for about three months and Nora, who had dyed her hair dark brown, shrieked so loudly that everyone behind the school stairs covered their ears practically in unison. 

“I’m going to class,” Cas announced to Gemma. Before he got in through the doors Nora ran after him and took a hold of his hand, so he fished his phone up and let himself be dragged along the corridors while Nora talked almost impossibly fast to Sophie. About halfway to the classroom some douche said, “Hey ladies, wanna hook up?” to the girls. Cas got a disgusting crawling under his skin and when he looked up his eyes fell on Dean standing there with four of his friends. Oh, shit.

“Dickhead,” Sophie muttered.

“Never mind then, hipster bitch!” the same guy said. Dean was looking like he wished he were somewhere else.

“Shut your fucking mouth!” Nora said and stopped in the middle of a stride.

“I’ve heard that you’re pretty eager to open yours for pretty much anyone,” the guy said provokingly and Cas’ patience just snapped.

“Hey, what the fuck did you just say?” 

“Stay out of this, fucking queer,” the guy barked and then Cas’ back hit the locker behind him. Sophie yelled curses at them while being held back by Nora, but she was barely making herself heard because the guys were calling things back and one of them pushed Cas into the locker again before the entire group vanished through the corridor, laughing loudly and Dean disappearing with them. Watching Dean leave shouldn’t hurt this much, it really shouldn’t, Cas thought as he got up and walked towards the exit again, ignoring Sophie calling after him. He took up a cigarette and lit it before he was even out through the doors. 

How the fuck could he have let himself get stuck in the happy bubble and forget who they were? Dean wasn’t really some cuddly, stupidly grinning idiot when he wasn’t with Cas. He was one of the most popular guys in school, a supercilious athlete along with the rest of his friends and there really wasn’t much difference between those people and the people who’d pushed Claire to the breaking point. Cas knew it couldn’t specifically have been these people but he never got it out of her who it was that was bullying her. He didn’t even know what year they were in. If he had he’d probably make them overdose and he supposed Claire knew this. It didn’t make much difference though, because they were all the same.

When he passed by the school stairs on his way out of the area Gemma called after him and ran up to him when he didn’t stop. He wished she’d just leave him alone.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” she asked and pulled on his arm.

“Nothing,” Cas said and pulled it free when his elbow hurt from being slammed into the locker.

“Don’t bullshit me, just get it out,” Gemma said harshly and pulled on his arm again until he winced.

“Why can’t people just fucking leave me alone?” Cas bit back loudly and shook her off, walking away from her and only feeling a little terrible about it.

Later in the afternoon he was sitting by the Hudson River Greenway and beating himself up over making Gemma look hurt. His phone buzzed again with what must’ve been the fourth message from Dean and he tried to ignore it like he had with all the previous texts. Somehow he felt tricked by focusing so much on this relationship only to snap back into reality and remember that in the official world they didn’t even know each other. He didn’t mind Dean keeping them a secret. It didn’t matter to Cas, or at least it hadn’t until those two worlds collided and the fantasy bubble was popped. It was probably just a matter of time before they fell apart anyway. The biggest problem was just that it didn’t make it hurt any less. And he’d taken it out on Gemma, which wasn’t even close to fair. When he’d finished the cigarette he decided he had to apologise and sent her a text, asking her to meet up with him.

“What the fuck was that about earlier, dickhead?” Gemma demanded when she came up to him where he was waiting by the metro.

“I’m sorry,” Cas said and fiddled with his cigarette.

“Alright, whatever, just tell me,” she said and leaned against the railing next to the stairs leading up from the subway. 

Cas felt small in a way he hadn’t done in years when he opened his mouth and said, “I’m not sure I’m gonna keep seeing Dean.”

“ _Dean_ pushed you?” Gemma said loudly.

“What, no, how do you know about that?” he asked and Gemma rolled her eyes.

“You don’t think I’d call Nora when you just stormed out of school like that?” She looked like him like he was brain damaged and Cas just shrugged. “Why the fuck did Dean do that to you?” 

“He didn’t, that was some other guy,” Cas said and threw his cigarette on the ground.

“So what, Dean was one of those just standing there?”

“What could he have done anyway?” Cas said and Gemma smacked him hard in the head. “Shit, what the fuck?”

“He just stood there while some asshole pushed you into a locker?” she almost yelled.

“Yes, fuck, calm down,” Cas hissed, because some people passing by were giving them worried looks.

“Shut your fucking mouth, Castiel!” Gemma shouted. She looked downright pissed off. “How could you not tell me that?”

“I’m fucking telling you now, aren’t I?” Cas shouted back.

“I knew he was gonna turn out to be an ass, and don’t talk back to me about that!”

Cas sighed and deflated, rubbing his forehead.

“What do you think I should do then?”

“Kill him,” Gemma said deadpan. “Or at least call him and tell him to stay the fuck away.”

“No,” Cas mumbled. He didn’t want to call Dean, he didn’t want to talk to Dean and he didn’t want to tell Dean to stay away. He just wanted to slip away from it all until it stopped hurting and then decided what to do about it.

“What the fuck do you mean, no?” Gemma asked angrily. “Why would you let him get away with this kind of bullshit?” Cas wet his lips and swallowed.

“I love him,” he said and it felt weird hearing it out loud. Gemma’s hand flew up to pull on his sweater.

“I’m sorry, you fucking what?” 

“It doesn’t matter now anyway, does it?” Cas said and slapped her hand away.

“Cas,” Gemma whined and let out a huge sigh, leaning her forehead against his chest. “How long have you done that?”

“Like a few days,” Cas mumbled. Gemma lifted her brown eyes to Cas and was just about to open her mouth, but Cas was done with this conversation. “Look, can we just get high or something?” he said and Gemma sighed again.

“Sure.”


	4. You probably couldn't see for the lights but you were staring straight at me

Cas woke up the next day on someone’s couch with his phone on his stomach. He frowned and carefully sat up, clicking the home button just to realise that his phone was dead. When he tried to turn it on it had 57% battery left, which meant it had been turned off deliberately. That was just weird. He cautiously stepped over the guy who’d passed out on the floor next to the couch and entered his pin code to find out that he had five missed calls from Dean and reality slapped him in the face. The dull, numbing ache in his heart was just annoyingly bothersome in Cas’ opinion. 

He clicked on ‘Calls’ to see that he had called Dean in the middle of the night, talking for two and a half minutes. Then there were more missed calls before he had apparently picked up and talked to Dean for two more minutes. The worst part was that he had no idea what they’d talked about and he wasn’t ready to find out either.

Instead he shut himself in his room the following twenty-four hours and drew until his hand started aching. The next day when Dean was calling him for the eleventh time he was so tired of it that he decided to just pick up.

“Yes?” he said irately.

 _“Why haven’t you picked up, asshole?”_

“We’re not married, dickhead.”

_“Okay, fine, can I come over?”_

“No.”

_“Come on, man, I wanna apologise!”_

“I said no.”

_“Can you come over here then? Please?”_

“Fuck no!”

 _“Cas, please, please, just let me apologise to you in person and then you can just walk away if you want to.”_ Cas sighed and let his forehead fall into his palm.

“Fine, I’ll come over,” he said and hung up.

The ride to Dean’s house was like being hit in the gut over and over again. The point is, Cas didn’t want to be away from Dean, he really didn’t, but he didn’t know how to fix these kind of things either and he was still too hurt and angry to want to be near him. Perhaps he’d be able to get out of there quickly somehow. He tried to shut it all out by listening to Muse the whole way, but it barely worked.

“Hey!” Dean’s voice called when Cas was almost outside his front door and Cas pulled his earphones out. Seeing Dean made his chest contract with a painful urge to curl in on himself and hide.

“Just get it over with,” he said tiredly and Dean hesitated.

“I’m… I’m just…” he started.

“Oh, fuck this,” Cas breathed, rolled his eyes and turned around again. He wasn’t going to stand there and feel more hurt than ever just to listen to Dean’s mumbling.

“No, Cas, wait!” Dean called after him and darted up to him, blocking his way. “Please listen to me for just one minute.”

“Then stop stuttering and fucking talk.”

“Yes, okay,” he said and put his hands on Castiel’s arms, holding him still. “I’m so incredibly sorry and I know I should have done something, I know that, but I just couldn’t and it was so fucking wrong and I’m really, very sorry.”

“Thanks,” Cas said and tried to walk away again.

“No, wait,” Dean said and held him back with a frenetic look in his face. “I… just… Oh fuck, man, it’s just so messed up, but I can’t be open about this, even though I should be, but I can’t risk this scholarship and just… Fuck!”

“Dean, fuck off for a minute,” Cas said irritably and pushed his arms away. “I didn’t expect anything to change just because we happen to get together, it’s not some fucking fairy tale. People get shoved into lockers, that’s the way things are. And you think I wanna be known as the boyfriend to the school screw around and fucking sport douche?” Dean looked like he’d punched him.

“What? You’re ashamed of us?”

“No, but it’s not like we’re different from before just because I fucking went out with you!”

“Stop being such a dick and making it sound like we doesn’t matter!” Dean said angrily.

“I’m the dick?” Cas almost yelled. “You’re a fucking arrogant asshole who think you can get away with whatever shit you want!”

“No, I’m not, I fucking apologised didn’t I?!”

“And I’m fucking not forgiving you!”

“Fine, dickhead!” Dean yelled and stormed past Cas and up the stairs. Cas sighed deeply and leaned back against the railing, rubbing his forehead that was starting to ache. 

“Fucking shit,” he mumbled and pushed himself up on the railing. Things didn’t seem to be fixable, so he didn’t even know what he was doing there, except getting more heartbroken. Maybe Dean just wanted to apologise for his own peace of mind. Maybe he’d grown tired of how different they were. In that case it was a mistake coming here. Cas sighed again. This was insanely depressing. 

“Hey, Cas,” a voice suddenly said next to him and Cas opened his eyes to see Sam standing next to him.

“Hello, Sam.”

“Dean didn’t send me,” Sam added almost immediately and Cas rolled his eyes. 

“So what are you doing here?”

“Well, Dean is upstairs kicking on our furniture, so I’m guessing things didn’t go too well, right?”

“Hey, Sam, I’m sorry, but-” Cas started wearily, but Sam interrupted him.

“No, just listen,” Sam said and his eyes did that gleaming thing that Claire’s used to do when she was his age and thought she had a brilliant idea. “Dean’s been a wreck, beating himself up worse than ever.”

“Really?” Cas said sceptically.

“Yeah, he’s been a huge freak and snapping at everyone when he wasn’t shutting himself in his room because he was missing you real bad.” Missing him? Cas glanced at Sam’s naïve, sincere face. Then maybe Dean hadn’t grown tired of them. Cas sighed and rubbed a hand through his hair. “Just stay here, okay?” Sam added and then he was in through the door again.

Cas tapped his fingers in his hair before he took out a cigarette, taking a long drag and watching the smoke curl around in the air. It didn’t even take a minute before Dean was storming out the door.

“You’re not crying,” he said accusingly.

“Why the fuck would I be crying?” Cas asked and threw him a weird look.

“But, Sam…” Dean started. “Oh, that little bastard.” 

“He told you I was crying?” Cas said mockingly and exhaled some smoke. It was really endearing, though, the way Dean came rushing outside because he thought Cas was sad, and Cas melted a little bit, his chest easing. Maybe things would be fixable after all.

“Fuck off,” Dean muttered darkly.

“You’re the one who stormed out here, you fuck off.”

Dean glared at him.

“What did he say to you?” he asked and Cas snorted.

“Yeah, like I’m telling you that.”

“Don’t be a dick, just tell me!”

“No thanks.”

“Fine, be a sarcastic asshole then,” Dean muttered and turned around again, taking a few steps towards the door, but Cas didn’t want him to leave. 

“We still haven’t watched the third movie,” he called after him and Dean stopped.

“What?”

“If we’re breaking up then I don’t think it’s more than fair that you make me watch the last movie.” He put the cigarette out against the railing and threw it on the ground. Dean just stood there, staring at him, and Cas hoped he’d take the bait.

“I… Are you serious?”

“Yeah, of course I’m fucking serious.” Dean still stood there with his lips parted, like he didn’t know what to believe. “But you don’t have to if you don’t want to…” Cas added and glanced up at him. Dean’s entire body eased up.

“Oh, fuck you!” he said heatedly and walked up to him, hauling Cas into his arms and almost pulling him off the railing. “I’m so fucking mad at you right now.”

“I can see that,” Cas said sarcastically and put his arms around Dean’s neck, nudging his nose against his cheek and feeling right again with Dean in his arms.

“Just… fuck you!” Dean said, sounding like he was choking up and Cas chuckled at him for being that oversentimental boyfriend that teared up in relief. “And shut up!”

“Shit, calm down,” Cas said quietly.

“Don’t tell me you were just messing with me the entire time!” he said and pulled away, crossing his arms over his chest.

“No, I was actually kinda pissed at you for real,” Cas replied. Dean nodded with his jaw set and went back to stand between Cas' knees, putting his hands on his thighs. 

“Well… I’m sorry,” he said. 

“Yeah, I heard you the first eleven times.”

“Oh, shut up,” Dean huffed with a tired laugh. Cas lifted his chin up and kissed him, feeling his heart make a flip. Dean’s hands tightened on his thighs and he sighed against Cas' lips.

“You wanna go over to my place and watch that movie?” Cas asked him.

Dean looked insecure for a moment.

“You weren’t serious about us breaking up afterwards, right?”

“No, I wasn’t, you idiot, that’s just sadistic,” Cas said sternly and Dean’s eyes lightened again.

“Then we can definitely watch that movie,” Dean replied with a grin and rushed upstairs. When he came outside again with the DVD he grabbed Cas’s hand and dragged him towards his car. Before they got in Cas couldn’t help pulling Dean to a stop and hug him tight for a few moments.

“So what did Sam tell you?” Dean asked again when they were out on the road and Cas huffed.

“You’re never giving up, are you?”

“Nope.”

“He just said you’d been a total freak for days and getting all worked up because you missed me really bad,” he said and smiled a bit amusedly at Dean.

“Of course he did, can’t mind his own fucking business,” Dean muttered and Cas huffed a laugh. There was a long silence where Cas dug around for his phone only to find an old note in his pocket. He snatched a pen lying in the car to start doodling mandala flowers instead.

“Hey,” he started when they’d passed 28th street. “Did I call you a few nights ago?”

“Yep,” Dean said bitterly.

“What did I say?”

“Nah, nothing important. You were just wasted.”

“Yeah, I kinda know about that part. But seriously, I wanna know what I said.”

“I yelled at you for doing drugs, you told me to fuck off, you know, the usual.” Dean tried to throw him a grin, but something was off about it.

“There’s something you’re not telling me.”

“What? No, there isn’t.”

“Yes, there is, don’t fuck with me.”

“No, there isn’t! Look, it’s just some lame shit that’s not even worth mentioning, so just leave it the fuck alone.”

“No, I’m not leaving it the fuck alone!” Cas shot back irritably and Dean sighed.

“Well, I ain’t having this discussion, so just back off!”

Cas grunted and rubbed his hands over his face, wanting to shake him.

“Okay, fine,” Dean started again after a tense minute. “You told me you hated me and you were totally allowed to and it’s just been bothering me, but it’s nothing, so we’re leaving that alone now.” 

“Oh.”

“Don’t fucking ‘oh’ me.”

“I’m sorry,” Cas said. “I was pretty pissed off.”

“Yes, I know, I know, you had every right to because I was being a total dick for not standing up for you, but… I don’t know.” He took a deep breath and Cas tried to swallow the bad taste in his mouth.

“I don’t hate you.”

“Yeah, I know.”

The guilty feeling was freaking Cas out, so he reached over and interlaced his fingers with Dean’s, hoping it would make things better. It seemed to be working, because Dean lightly massaged Cas’ fingertips.

“I’m sorry,” he said again.

“Hey, don’t worry about it,” Dean said and smiled. “It’s over and done with, right? I mean, we’re okay, aren’t we?”

“Yeah, we are,” Cas said and stroked his thumb over Dean’s warm palm. Dean grinned big. “What?”

“Nothing,” Dean said casually. “It just feels weird that after such a long time I’m actually sitting here with you.”

“Fuck, you’re sentimental,” Cas mumbled and Dean shoved him in the side. 

“Shut up.”

When they got out outside Cas’ building Cas lit a cigarette before Dean put his arms around his stomach from where he was leaning against his car and Cas leaned back against him. Cas didn’t know how Dean managed to get his hands tangled in Cas’ sweaters all the time, but somehow he did and Cas chuckled at him. He let his head fall back on Dean’s shoulder and felt Dean’s lips against his neck. It was perfect, until a raindrop fell on his cheek. Cas opened his eyes to glare at the sky, but when he moved to get up Dean wouldn’t let him. 

They were practically soaked when they got inside, because when it rained in New York, it fucking poured down. Cas dashed up the stairs to his room in pure annoyance and threw his clothes off to pull on a new pair of jeans, pulling out a big, fluffy sweater from his wardrobe. It was space dye in dusty pink with dashes of purple and blue and mint and yellow and different shades of grey. Cas had bought it almost as a joke before he realised how comfortable it felt on. 

When he got downstairs Dean was starting to grin at him and Cas told him to fuck off with an irritated gnarl inside. Dean did not fuck off at all. Instead he chased after Cas into the kitchen and hugged him tight, smelling the sweater and being a general asshole.

“If you ever hurt this sweater I will hunt you down and hide your body,” Dean threatened while he had his arms around Cas’ neck and rocking them and Cas snorted at him.

“Yeah, I love you too,” he said and Dean went stiff. He hadn’t planned on saying it, but now it was out there anyway, so Cas tightened his grip around Dean’s waist just a little, allowing himself to just rest in the feeling of being close to him. Dean was still a frozen statue, so Cas gave him a quick kiss before he picked up some Pepsis and chips to go and wait in the living room for Dean to snap back into reality. He slumped down on the couch with his feet on the coffee table and opened tumblr to scroll down the dashboard. He was just reading through a post when Dean threw himself down next to him, grabbed Cas’ phone and caged him within his arms. Cas really thought it was a bit of an overreaction.

“Really?” Dean asked and Cas just raised an eyebrow. “Hey, just fucking answer me already!” Okay, so he’d said it once, but was it really necessary to do it again? He was deep in this thing as it was, so maybe he should just let it slip. “Please, I’m going crazy here!” Dean really did look kinda crazy, so Cas took pity on him and decided to be kind to him. He pushed him back and straddled his thighs, picking at the hem of Dean’s t-shirt with a massive tingling in his belly.

“Okay, so maybe I do,” he said and avoided looking at him. 

“Really?”

“Maybe.”

“Oh, fuck off.” Cas looked up at him with an amused huff and took his phone back, just sitting there on Dean’s thighs, going further down the tumblr page and hoping Dean would help him out of this emotional ditch. “Hey, Cas?” Dean said.

“Mm?”

“I love you.” 

Cas looked up at him, taking in Dean’s hopeful eyes and small grin. _It’s gonna be okay, just say it._

“I love you too.”

Dean was a nuisance when he got excited, because Cas was swiftly thrown down on his back with Dean all over him.

“Dean, for fuck’s sake, get off me!”

“No way!” Dean said cheerfully and kissed him on the mouth at least a dozen times. “Shit, I can’t believe I actually managed to pull this off.”

“I’m not some goddamn project!” Cas grunted and tried to push on Dean’s stomach. Why did he have to be in love with an athlete, _why, why, why?_

“No, no, you’re not.” Dean propped himself up on his elbows and nudged his nose against Cas’. “You know what you are?”

“A weird hipster jerk?” Cas scoffed.

“Yeah, that too.” Lips pressed against Cas’. “But you are amazing and you fucking love me and I love you and fuck, I knew this would be awesome.”

“Don’t be so goddamn arrogant,” he told him and Dean got that whiny look on his face.

“Come on, this is like the biggest victory I’ve had in years!” he said and beamed at him. “Don’t be so fucking grave for just one minute and go with me here.”

“I’m also not some trophy,” Cas said firmly. 

“Oh, but you are. You’re a real treasure.”

“Oh, fuck off.” Dean just kept smiling at him until Cas couldn’t fight it anymore and when he smiled back Dean kissed him gently on the lips. Cas stomach started fluttering and he thought that maybe he kinda liked it there on the couch after all. 

“Can you just say it one more time?” Dean said with a hopeful smile. “Please, just once more.”

“You’re so demanding.”

“Come on, just once, please?” Dean begged him and pushed their lips together again. Cas sighed and pulled him down until their foreheads were resting against each other.

“I love you, okay?” he said and kissed him, that burning, loving feeling violating his chest. “I love you, I fucking love you.” Dean cleared his throat and pushed a hand into Cas’ hair.

“I love you too.”

“Yeah, I kinda noticed.”

“Oh, shut up.” Dean didn’t seem to be able to stop smiling though and Cas huffed a laugh and smiled back at him.

“Are we gonna watch that movie or what?”

“Yeah, sure,” Dean said and pushed himself off the couch, put the DVD in the player and got back to the couch. It was kinda nice for being a boring movie, so Cas went back to scrolling down on tumblr until Dean suddenly rushed up to Cas’ room for no apparent reason, only to come back down asking about why the shirt he’d left there after the rooftop had been worn and like that wasn’t enough he threatened to throw out all of Cas’ cigarettes if he didn’t give him his phone.

Once he’d slammed the phone against Dean’s chest he went up with his cigarettes again, his cheeks were burning with embarrassment and Dean’s chuckled ringing in his ears. When he got downstairs Dean was standing by the staircase and being annoyingly clingy until Cas couldn’t be mad anymore and he stuck his tongue down Dean’s throat instead. When they were on the couch again Dean crawled up to Cas and forced him down on his back, laying his head on Cas’ shoulder and Cas could barely concentrate because his heart was beating so fast.

\-------

That all went to hell too. Gemma had called and asked if Cas wanted to be in on a new bag of LSD with her and some other people and when Cas was trying to get Dean to stop asking worriedly what Gemma had said the front door opened and Hester walked in on them sitting close together on the couch.

So that’s how Cas ended up in the kitchen with his mother and with Dean in the next room.

“So I suppose Dean isn’t just a friend,” Hester said and Cas just glared at her. Cas being gay was just another thing Hester took like a personal violation and he knew it. Didn’t mean that he would just let her succeed and ruin his self-esteem, but it was difficult when Hester was staring at him like that. “You can’t-“

“You can’t tell me I’m not allowed to have him here,” Cas interrupted and leaned on his arm against the table.

“Be quiet!” Hester bit back. “I don’t care who you’re dating, but I do not want any of it inside my house.”

“I don’t fucking care.”

“As long as you live under our roof, you will do as we say.”

“Yeah, ‘cause that’s worked out great so far,” Cas said with a snort.

“Don’t be so difficult, Castiel! I can’t help that you chose to ruin yourself when you’re out, but in this house you will follow the rules.”

“Then I’ll move out.”

“No. You’ll just end up dead in an alley somewhere,” Hester said in a matter-of-fact tone and Cas felt the anger building.

“Hey, fuck off!”

“Do not speak to me like that!”

“Then don’t talk about stuff you don’t know anything about!”

“You’re being childish.”

“And you’re being a pain in the ass.”

“Claire would never have turned out like this.” Cas felt like he’d been slapped and Hester seemed to realise it. She wasn’t wavering though and Cas was starting to get trouble breathing. 

“Well, I’m sorry it wasn’t me then,” he said before storming out the door and then he ran as fast as he could, his heart racing and his lungs not working probably until he really couldn’t breathe and then he leaned against a railing, hoping he wouldn’t faint. _It should have been me._ He wanted to scream if it weren’t for the fact that his chest was a hard, compressed mass. _It should have been me._ He didn’t hear that Dean had caught up with him until he was pressed against Dean’s chest, but he couldn’t take Dean being pushy and clingy right now, so he shoved him away and collapsed on the street, pulling out cigarettes and finally feeling his pulse calming. 

_Fuck._

Dean sat down next to him and Cas wished he hadn’t run after him, because he’d rather keep his goddamn freak outs to himself. 

“I’m sorry you had to see that,” he murmured with his forehead in his palm and pulled out another cigarette when Dean had been quiet for ages. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Dean said and seemed to be searching for words. “I’m… I’m sorry she said that.” Cas snorted.

“It’s not your fault.”

“It’s still really fucking shitty.”

“Yeah, probably.”

“You’re not blaming yourself, are you?” 

_Why do you have to care so much?_

“No, I’m not,” he said with a sigh and leaned back against the railing again.

“You sure?”

“Yeah.” Cas took a slow breath and let the smoke swirl back out from his lips, pulling the sleeves up to his elbows. “I hope you weren’t offended.”

“No.”

“I wasn’t drunk,” Cas confessed impulsively. 

“What?”

“When I wore your shirt.” He laughed a little to himself, rubbing his face again. “Well, I wore it when I was drunk too. But, you know…” He could feel Dean moving a bit closer.

“So you really did miss me, huh?”

“Yeah, I kinda did.” Dean’s smile widened even more. “Oh, don’t look so fucking proud of yourself.”

“And you thought I wanted to date you as a joke…” Dean chuckled and put his hand on Cas thigh, squeezing it slightly. Cas huffed and smiled a little, placing a hand on the back of Dean’s neck and brushing it up into his hair.

“Can you blame me?”

“Nah, I guess not. Turned out okay though, didn’t it?”

“Yeah, it kinda did. Who could have guessed, huh?”

Some construction workers walked past them and stared down at the two weird teenaged guys sitting on the ground - one in a really strange, too-large sweater and with messy black hair and the other really buff and tanned - stroking each other.

“Not them apparently,” Dean grinned and Cas started laughing, hiding his nose against Dean’s shoulder. He felt lighter. Five minutes ago he’d been somewhere down by the bottom and Dean had still stayed and talked to him and fucking teased him, like things were normal anyway. Dean always managed to make things so easy, just letting the things that could have stayed and ended up as sticky pass like they were nothing. For Cas, who had avoided getting into that mental stickiness with people since it was very unhealthy, it was highly liberating.

Cas stayed up in his room all night, drawing and smoking to drive out the fluttering in his stomach that didn’t want to stop after he’d went home again, alone. Hester had been out and Cas hadn’t left his room since he got back. He didn’t think he’d have it in him to even see her for a couple of days. 

He threw an eye at his phone, which showed 3:56 AM and picked it up with a sigh. After he and Dean had got off the ground and started walking towards Starbucks Cas had realised that he knew a song that would fit Dean perfectly. Dean had been overly curious, but Cas told him he’d have to wait until tomorrow to know which one. They did have some sort of routine about this.

Cas opened his window to drive out the smell of smoke and listened to ‘Sway’ by the Kooks once more before he sent it to Dean and then lay down on his bed, hoping to fall asleep. It didn’t work. He felt horny and lonely without Dean. Being in love sucked. He sighed and unbuttoned his jeans, trailing a hand down his shorts. The friction was frustratingly not at all like when it was Dean’s naked body against his, but it would have to do. He started to stroke himself and imagined Dean’s hand instead, imagined the way Dean’s face looked as he got closer and closer and the sounds he made and how he would almost breathe out Cas’ name. Cas could feel the friction getting more intense until his body almost surprised him when he tensed up and came over his t-shirt. It took a few moments of deep breaths before he was clear enough in the head to get up and get rid of his clothes, putting on a new t-shirt to stop freezing in the cold room and collapsing on the bed again.

\-------

The next morning he woke up from someone holding his arm and kissing him. Cas blinked his eyes open in terrible confusion until he realised that Dean was crouched not even a foot away from him and he groaned and buried his face in his pillow.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Way to make a guy feel welcome,” Dean said and pinched him in the side. “I got your song.”

“And you had to come all the way over here to tell me?” Cas muttered against the pillowcase.

“No,” Dean said explicitly, “I had to come all the way over here to tell you I love you.” 

Cas was quite for a few seconds, his stomach starting to swirl and tingle. He shuffled over a bit and pulled Dean down into the bed, almost melting into him when he lay down. Later it became clear that Dean had sent him a song back and when Cas opened the link the title ‘Undisclosed desires’ stared back at him. “Well, aren’t you just a fucking dream come true,” he mumbled before pushing Dean over and laying on top of him to melt their mouths together.

Then of course they ended up having sex and Cas felt like it was the best morning of his life. Dean was pushing inside him, panting and being flushed all over his chest, and Cas held back all he could to not make too loud noises since his dad was home. There was pleasure shooting through him again and again and when Dean came inside him he bit down on his shoulder and tensed up hard as he came all over Dean’s stomach.

Afterwards they just stayed in bed as if they were comatose. Dean heaved Cas in close against his chest, tying him in with long limbs, and Cas dozed off with Dean’s nose against his cheek. When he slowly blinked his eyes open again, waking up from being too hot, Dean was asleep next to him. Cas pushed himself up on his elbows, making Dean’s hand in his t-shirt tense a little like he wanted to make sure Cas wouldn’t leave. It was so fucking endearing. He traced a light fingertip over Dean’s upper lip and Dean started squirming, huffing importunely.

“The fuck are you doing?” he mumbled grumpily and Cas snorted.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in school by now?” he asked amusedly.

“Nah,” was all Dean said and sat up, rubbing his eyes. “I’d rather go and get breakfast with you,” he added with that flirty grin.

“What an honour,” Cas said dryly and Dean hit him playfully in the chest.

After they’d taken a shower, Cas getting a wonderful blowjob under the hot sprays, they went out and got breakfast, taking it with them so sit in the sun on the stairs to the New York Public Library. Cas was sipping on a latte and almost going crazy because of a baby crying 20 feet away while Dean was gently playing with his fingers; tracing the pad of his thumb up their lengths with his palm pressed against the back of Cas’ hand. Cas put the latte down and turned his focus to their hands, turning his hand over and sliding their palms together, getting a warm smile from Dean. 

Cas had always thought there was something special about hands. They were so beautifully shaped and so sensitive with all those nerve endings underneath the skin. Perfect for tracing along soft wood, rough paper or warm, freckled skin. I mean, if you were into those excessively romanticised things. Suddenly Dean squeezed his hand and Cas realised he’d spaced out. He looked back at Dean and suddenly felt sentimental when he saw those earnest, green eyes looking at him. Dean was skipping school to wake him up with kisses and then wasting his time sitting on some stairs with him. Stupid, caring dick.

Cas reached out with his free hand and tied it in Dean’s hair, pulling him in to give him a firm kiss on the mouth. Dean huffed a laugh and placed his free hand on Cas’ neck, lightly stroking his thumb over his throat while he pushed their lips together again and again. Cas wasn’t good with sentimentality, so he tied his arms around Dean and hugged him tight for a few seconds before he pulled back and simply started massaging Dean’s hand with his. Dean just chuckled at him.

“You know what?” Dean said and sat up from basically lying against the steps. “I can’t take that fucking crying anymore. Let’s get out of here.”

“Where are we going?” Cas asked as Dean pulled him towards the metro by his hand.

“It’s a surprise,” Dean told him smugly.

“I hate surprises,” Cas muttered just for the sake of it and Dean laughed.

They got off at 86th Street and ten minutes later Dean stopped abruptly in front of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, giving Cas a bright smile like that would explain everything. 

“Seriously?” Cas said warily. 

“Yeah,” Dean said happily. “I thought you’d fit in in there.”

“What?”

“Yeah, you’re like all artist-y and stuff,” Dean explained and Cas just stood staring up at it. That was just like shoving someone into a space ship because they thought space was kinda rad. 

“Dean, it’s a _museum_ ,” Cas said just to make sure Dean hadn’t lost his mind.

“Yeah, thank you, Sherlock,” Dean said and pushed him up the stairs. Once they were deep inside the maze of rooms and exhibitions Cas had to take a moment and just laugh at himself. He actually fucking loved it. One second later Dean was tugging on his wrist like crazy, dragging him up some stairs.

“Fucking what?” Cas asked before he was placed in front of a large exhibition called ‘PUNK: Chaos to culture’.

“Hey, looks like you, Cas,” Dean said and pointed at a dummy in trashy punk clothes.

“Asshole,” Cas muttered and walked straight inside, not bothering to look if Dean would follow him or not. It didn’t take long, though, before he felt a hand sneak into his and Dean leaning into him.

“Although you’re prettier,” Dean mumbled and kissed him in the cheek. Cas totally failed at not grinning happily.

\-------

The next morning Cas was sitting on his bed and glaring at one of his drawing pads, having an inner conflict. He kinda really wanted to draw Dean on the bridge on Cross Bay Boulevard. It was stupid, but he felt almost compelled to do it now that he could. When Cas and Gemma was 13 they would start this thing where they’d come up with things they would want to do with the person they fell in love with and at 14 Cas went over the bridge and thought that should definitely go on that list. And now here he was at almost 18, considering throwing his pride away and go with it. Dean would most likely laugh at him, but whenever he considered not doing it he got this itch under his skin. He got up with a displeased hum, dug around his closet for a bag and roughly pushed the pad into it. 

Dean called him later in the afternoon with a “So, hey, I kinda… told my parents” and that’s how Cas ended up in Dean’s apartment in the middle of some sort of proper meet the family-thing. He’d never felt so awkward and inadequate in his entire life. The worst part was that they were so nice and he was… not. Mary and John were sitting on the couch, Sam was leaning next to the window and Dean leaned against the doorframe. Everyone’s eyes were glued to Cas and he just wanted to disappear. There was no way that Dean’s parents would look at him so friendlily if they knew how low his school attendance was or that most of his money went to self-destructive, illegal substances. Cas didn’t have a problem with his life and he didn’t really care if other people did, but this was different and it still hurt quite a lot.

“Cas can draw,” Dean said suddenly, interrupting Cas’ deep dive into beating himself up, and all eyes turned to him. Cas just stared at him in unbelief. “And he’s really good too.” He made him sound like he was something to be proud of and Cas didn’t know what to do with himself. 

“Is that so?” John said kindly.

“Yes… I suppose,” Cas replied slowly. 

“And he thinks I should go to law school!” Sam helped a bit too excitedly and Cas felt a small smile spread on his lips. “None of Dean’s other friends even talk to me,” he added sadly. Maybe this would turn out to not be a disaster after all. Cas felt the tension slowly slip out of his muscles.

“Well, I have to hand it to you, Castiel,” John said. “I’m really impressed someone managed to catch Dean for long enough to get him to bring them home.” 

“Hey!” Dean said, looking affronted. 

“It was actually he who did the chasing and persuading in the first place,” Cas ventured with small smirk and Dean’s parents chuckled. Dean looked very displeased.

“Okay, okay, really funny,” he said and nudged Cas hard in the side.

“And apparently you managed to charm Sam too, because he has a hard time not talking about you,” Mary told him confidingly and Sam turned bright red.

“No, I don’t!” he said and Cas smiled a little bigger, fingering on his bracelets. This was actually going okay.

“That’s fascinating,” Mary said with her eyes on the black bands. “Where have you gotten that?” Cas looked down at them. There were four of them; one braided, one with a few white beads, and the other two with small imprinted patterns.

“I, eh… went to London for a bit,” he replied and Dean looked at him like he was seeing him for the first time.

“Really?” John said interestedly. 

“Yeah. Got it at a market on Portobello Road.”

“When was this?” Dean asked and Cas looked up at him.

“Two years ago,” he replied and Dean got an understanding look in his eyes.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“How long were you there?” Mary asked.

“A couple of months during the summer. It was… spontaneous. Just me and a couple of friends.”

“Well, it sounds nice,” Mary said and smiled. She got up from the couch. “I’m going to start on dinner. Are you staying?”

“Thank you, but I’m afraid not,” Cas answered. “I should get going again.”

“Well, it was nice of you to come over,” John said and got up too. “Come back anytime.”

“Thanks.”

“And we’d love to hear more about what cute things Dean does that we don’t know about!” he added with a wide grin and Dean grunted.

“Okay, we’re so leaving now,” he muttered, took down his jacket in the hallway and started walking towards the door. Cas took a small breath of relief and followed him, picking up his bag from the floor. The drawing pad inside it might as well have weighted a thousand pounds and he suddenly felt slightly nervous.

“Hey, Dean!” Sam called after them.

“What?” Dean asked irritably.

“Next time you wanna make out, don’t do it outside my window. It’s kinda gross.” He was grinning teasingly at him and Cas had to bite his lip really hard not to laugh. He liked being around when Sam and Dean teased each other, because it was something he missed doing himself. Dean cursed at his little brother and the shoved Cas out the door and around a corner, pushing him up against a wall and not even letting him catch his breath before he shoved his tongue inside Cas’ mouth. Cas couldn’t help moaning, because it was so hot and Dean was pressing him so close.

“You free tonight?” Cas asked, leaning their foreheads together and brushing his hands through Dean’s hair.

“Yeah, sure. Why?” 

Cas pushed him away slightly and put his hand in his back pocket, fishing up his phone, unlocking it and started writing a text to Gemma saying he wouldn’t go out with them tonight.

“We’re going in a date,” he told him with his gaze fixed on the phone.

“Cas!” Dean said cheerfully. “Are you actually asking me out?”

“Fuck off, I’m not asking, I’m telling you.”

“Wow, bossy.”

“Mm.”

“And… What if I say no?” Dean said casually. Cas’ narrowed eyes shot up to Dean’s.

“Fine, never mind then, dickhead,” he muttered and turned on his heel, walking away from there. 

“Hey, hey, hey!” Dean called after him. “I’m kidding,” he laughed, throwing strong arms around his torso and pulling him to a stop. “I’d love to.”

“The offer’s been withdrawn,” Cas said angrily, trying to get out of Dean’s arms.

“No, it hasn’t,” Dean insisted. “Come on, I’m sorry,” he purred and his hands slid up to Cas’ chest, holding him tighter. “Please, I really wanna go on your date.”

“Maybe you should have thought about that earlier.”

“Caaaas,” Dean begged. “Come on, I’ll do anything.”

“Really?” 

“Yes, promise.” Dean dragged his nose up behind Castiel’s ear and into his hair, moving his arms to hug him around his shoulders instead, kissing his temple over and over again.

“Okay,” Cas said and stopped struggling. “Then hand over your keys.” Dean went quiet.

“I’m sorry?”

“Keys. Now.”

“I… what? Why?” 

“You wanna go on that date or what? It’s your choice,” Cas said indifferently. 

“Can’t you just give me directions?” 

“Nope.”

“Do you even have a licence?”

“Of course I do, dickhead, just hand them over.”

Dean groaned loudly and put his hand in his pocket, fishing up his keys and shoved them roughly into Cas’ hand.

“I hope it’s really fucking worth it,” he muttered and crossed his arms over his chest.

“It will be,” Cas replied and squeezed the keys in his hand. “You coming?”

\-------

Once standing on Cross Bay Boulevard, across the road from Broad Channel American Park, Cas’ courage was starting to fail him.

“This is gonna sound really lame,” he said and swallowed.

“Oh yeah?” Dean said with a small smirk and put the car keys in his pocket.

“I mean beyond purple sweater lame.”

“Really?” Dean said and was starting to grin. “This sounds exciting.”

“Oh, shut up,” Cas breathed and leaned forwards against the railing in the bridge. “Okay, so when Gemma and I was younger we sorta made a list of stuff we wanted to do when we, you know… fell in love.” A blushing started creeping up his cheeks and he had to swallow again. 

“Oh yeah?” Dean said. Cas could feel him coming closer. “So what horribly kinky stuff have you managed to come up with?”

“Oh, fuck off.”

“Why are you so nervous then?”

“I said it was lame, not kinky.”

“Okay, well, don’t keep me waiting then,” Dean hummed. “I’m getting really curious.” Cas looked out over the water for a moment before he decided that he couldn’t do it. It was just too cheesy.

“No, we should probably just go back home,” he sighed and turned around, only to find himself caged between Dean’s arms.

“Hell no, you’re gonna tell me,” Dean said and nudged their noses together. “I even let you drive my baby.” Cas tried to give him a glare and then sighed, leaning his forehead against Dean’s shoulder.

“How the fuck did I get this ridiculous?” he murmured into Dean’s plaid shirt and Dean laughed at him.

“Hey, at least we’re on the same page now,” he said and Cas huffed a laugh. “Now tell me already, you teasing son of a bitch.”

“Okay, fucking fine.” He took a breath and lifted his head. “I want to draw you.” Dean lifted his eyebrows.

“I’m sorry, what?” he asked and Cas groaned in embarrassment.

“I fucking told you it was lame! Now, let’s just leave.” He pushed on Dean’s chest, but the asshole didn’t move. “Oh, come on! I’ll find you another goddamn movie to watch instead or something.”

“Why do you want to draw me?” Dean asked and Cas was almost contemplating jumping over the railing just to get away.

“I was like 14, don’t be so fucking judgemental.”

“Dude, that just makes it a thousand times cuter,” Dean said and was starting to grin again. It was very annoying.

“Either just let me go or shut up and let me do that fucking drawing.”

“That’s why you had the bag,” Dean said. “You’d prepared for this.”

“Oh, just…” Cas groaned again, pushing a hand against his forehead. This was the most embarrassing idea he’d ever had and why did he do this to himself, _why_? Dean laughed him at and put his arms around his neck, continuing to chuckle as he rocked them from foot to foot. 

“Dude, I’m like so in love with you right now.”

“You’re incredibly weird,” Cas told him sullenly.

“Hey, I’m not the one carrying a drawing pad around all day.” Cas shot him a glare and pushed him away from him, getting his bag from the car and coming to a halt in the middle of the sidewalk.

“So…” Dean started stiffly and cleared his throat. “Where do you want me?” Cas glanced around him for a bit and pulled out a cigarette from his back pocket.

“Against the railing.” Dean started grinning again. “Oh, fuck off, you’re not really making this any easier.”

“I can’t help that you’re so horny,” Dean said and leaned against the railing, while Cas rolled his eyes and lit his cigarette. He sat down by the edge of the sidewalk with his legs crossed.

“Hey, not so far out!” Dean called. Trust Dean Winchester to constantly worry. Cas threw him a weird look, but moved a few feet further in anyway. He took out the pad and a pencil from the bag and put it in his lap, looking up at Dean really thoroughly. He took the cigarette between his fingers on his left hand and started drawing with the other. The good thing about drawing was that it tuned out all other thoughts, so he didn’t have to think about that he was actually doing this.

Dean only protested a little about having to stand still while Cas drew him, but all in all Cas thought it was going well. Cas had the almost descending sun in his back, giving Dean a wonderful lighting, and he was actually feeling more and more happy about the drawing. Suddenly he had finished it and it felt amazing.

He was in the middle of hugging Dean really tight, his arms around Dean’s neck, nose against his neck and a swirl storm of love in his chest, when his phone started buzzing in his back pocket and ruined everything. Before he could even react Dean’s hands slipped from his lower back down into his pocket and fished the phone up, answering the call. He managed to talk to the other person for a good minute before Cas finally shoved him into the railing and took his phone back.

“Hello?” Cas said and glared at Dean with all his might. 

_“Hi, it’s Kyle. Was that your boyfriend?”_

“Yeah, he’s a complete asshole.” Dean muttered something and Cas ignored him.

_“Okay, anyway, Gemma told me you weren’t joining us tonight, but I got us some ecstasy so I thought you might change your mind.”_

“Really?” Cas asked. He hadn’t taken ecstasy in ages. “Where did you get that?”

 _“Keera knew a guy.”_

“Yeah?”

_“Yeah. So do you wanna come anyway?”_

“Well… I don’t think I can,” Cas said hesitantly and shot a look at Dean. 

_“Come on.”_

“No, sorry.” 

_“You’re not really gonna say no to ecstasy, right?”_

“No, really, I can’t.” 

_“You know, I figured you and that guy you’re dating were close, but I’m starting to think he has too much good influence on you,”_ Kyle teased and Cas laughed.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get us stuff next time.”

_“Yeah, you better.”_

Cas was just about to reply when he caught sight of a very angry-looking Dean standing with his arms crossed and something close to fire in his eyes. Cas cleared his throat and looked away again.

“Hey, Kyle, I gotta go.” 

_“It’s a real shame, you know!”_

“Yeah, whatever. Just make sure Gemma gets home all right.”

_“Don’t worry about it. See you next time.”_

“Okay, bye.” He hung up and put the phone in his pocket again. “What?” he asked when Dean didn’t stop staring at him.

“Who was that?” Dean said resentfully and Cas just stared at him.

“Oh my fucking god, you’re not jealous, are you?” Dean glared at him and Cas was just barely keeping himself from laughing.

“Fuck off,” he muttered. Cas put a hand over his mouth in an attempt to keep himself from smiling, but it wasn’t working very well.

“That was Kyle,” Cas said amusedly. “He’s very straight in case you’re wondering.”

“So what did he want?” Dean asked frostily. The amusement poured right of Cas and he crossed his arms over his chest defensively.

“Honestly?” 

“Yeah.”

“They’re going out, so he’d gotten some ecstasy and asked me to come,” Cas confessed and Dean got that furious look on his face.

“Oh, hell no!”

“Fuck off, I told him no, didn’t I?” Cas shot back.

“Well… good,” Dean replied, still looking at him with that hard look in his eyes. There was a moment of tense silence and then Cas picked his bag up with a sigh and walked towards the car. He got in the passenger seat and shut the door hard, putting his feet up on the dashboard and rubbing his forehead. For the first time in his life he was genuinely feeling upset about the choices he’d made. Dean looked so mad at him whenever drugs came up and up until today he hadn’t really cared because it was his decisions, but now he was starting to think his choices were going to ruin everything he’d gotten when Dean marched into his life. When Dean got in the driver seat and scooched over to pull Cas into his arms, Cas’ entire chest started hurting. 

“You can just take me home if you want to,” he mumbled and drummed his fingers in his black hair.

“No,” Dean replied. “No, I want to hold your hand and kiss you until you feel better and possibly cuddle you until I turn into a chick for real.” He smiled at him and Cas huffed a tired laugh, shaking his head at him.

“How could you ever get popular?”

“It’s because I’m awesome,” he told him with the smile growing bigger. “Come on, don’t try and tell me you don’t wanna cuddle too, now that you’re all lame and shit.”

“Fuck you.”

“Yeah,” Dean said and put his hand on Cas’ leg, pulling them off the dashboard and down in the seat, leaning between them and putting his hands on Cas’ neck, drawing him into a kiss. _Fuck you for making everything better all the time._ The pain stabbed Cas in the chest again before it numbed away and a strong longing that almost hurt just as much took its place instead. He held on tight around Dean’s neck and felt Dean fist his sweater while he kept pressing soft kisses to Cas’ lips. For a weird moment Cas never wanted to let him go again.

\-------

Time in Portland must be moving slower than in the rest of the world, because this was fucking ridiculous. They’d been at his aunt’s house for her birthday party for what felt like ages already and it was only 9.30 PM. He was standing next to a huge, brown piano with a glass of coke in his hands, because his dear mother refused to let him drink one drop of alcohol, neglecting the piece of birthday cake someone had shoved in his hands. He’d just put it on top of the piano when the woman in question waved him to her and another woman with brown hair and an ugly, yellow blouse. 

“Angela, this is my son Castiel,” Hester told the woman. “Castiel, this is my cousin Steven’s fiancée, Angela Perry.”

“Nice to meet you,” Cas said. Angela Perry beamed at him. It was extremely unnerving.

“Nice to meet you too, Castiel,” she said and Hester discreetly excused herself and slipped away. Cas wished he could have whatever drinkable that had at least 12% alcohol in it. 

“So, Castiel, what do you like to do when you’re not in school?”

_I use money from my parents to get high._

“I draw a lot.”

“Oh, really? You’re not going to walk in your parents' footsteps then?”

_Hell no._

“Who knows?”

“Oh, yes, it’s always good to keep all doors open!” Angela said with a delighted laugh.

“I’d like to think so,” Cas said absently. One of his younger cousins was subtly taking a big sip of wine from her dad’s glass on the other side of the room.

“So, do you have a girlfriend?” Angela pressed on with a nudge of her elbow against his. God, it was weird.

“Boyfriend,” Cas replied and Angela’s face only slipped for a second. Cas almost smirked.

“Oh,” Angela said, slightly off key, “well, how lovely. What is he like?”

Cas contemplated how much shit he would get if he told her that Dean had a really sensitive spot just below his right hipbone or that he probably had a small dominance kink.

“He’s on the soccer team,” he said instead.

“Oh, you must be very proud!” Angela sang out. Cas just blinked. 

Was he… supposed to be proud? Most people would probably be very proud if they dated someone who was on something as admirable as a _high school sports team_ , but Cas had never bothered with being impressed by popular people. He was just… caught by one.

“Yeah, sure, excuse me,” he replied and slipped out into the hallway, just as his cousin stole another big sip of wine. At least someone was gonna get drunk tonight. After quietly going through the kitchen and hoping no one would notice that he stole a bottle of wine, he went up to the guest room and slumped down on the bed. The wine turned out to be surprisingly cheap and sour, but it wasn’t like anyone _actually_ cared about other people in his family, so what did he expect? He still took two big gulps as he pulled his phone out and texted Gemma. _‘Everything sucks.’_ She replied barely twenty seconds later.

_‘Go home then.’_

_‘How? I can’t steal a fucking car or something.’_

_‘Make Dean come and get you.’_

_‘Yeah, right.’_

_‘He’d probably do it. Offer sex and he’ll be there in an hour.’_

_‘Probably and fuck off.’_

_‘You fuck off.’_ Gemma replied and Cas sighed. This was so dull it was mind-blowing. He took another sip of wine and felt his phone buzzing in his hand. When it turned out to be Dean ringing Cas secretly wondered if Gemma had decided to stab him in the back by calling and tell on him to his boyfriend. 

Dean didn’t seem to have been told anything though, because all he was trying to do was to get Cas’ hand down his own pants over the phone. Embarrassingly enough, it worked. Cas couldn’t believe it when Dean was panting on the other side of the phone and Cas’ hand was stroking himself to Dean’s voice telling him all kind of delirious things. And fuck, it was _hot_. Cas was almost feeling frenetic by the time he finally came, probably crying out Dean’s name and hoping no one would come to check on why he was yelling in the guest room. He heard Dean groan and he nearly came again.

“Fuck, Dean," he said shakily and tried to dry himself off with his t-shirt.

 _“That was just great,”_ Dean told him breathlessly. _“Next time Imma make you touch yourself right in front of me.”_

“You’re gonna be the death of me,” Cas sighed and bumbled around a little before he managed to get under the covers.

 _“Yes, I am,”_ Dean said cockily and then there was a small silence. Cas chewed on his lip for a bit before he opened his mouth again.

“Hey, Dean?” 

_“Yes, Cas?”_

“I kinda wish you were here,” he said softly, biting his lip again as he waited to see how Dean would react.

 _“I kinda wish I was there with you too,”_ Dean said just as gently and Cas huffed a small, happy laugh.

“I hate family dinners. I always feel so alone,” Cas surprised himself by saying.

_“Good thing I called you then.”_

“Yeah,” Cas said and smiled. “I always like it when you call.”

 _“God, do you have to be all cute and stuff when I’m not there?”_ Dean chuckled.

“It’s called being strategic."

_“How can that be strategic?”_

“’Cause you can’t see me blush.”

 _“Oh, man!”_ Dean moaned. Ha, gotcha. _“Now you’re just being a dick!”_

“Yeah, I totally am,” Cas said and laughed.

 _“Like I wasn’t missing you enough as it was,”_ Dean muttered so quietly that Cas almost didn’t hear him.

“What was that?”

 _“Nothing,”_ Dean said. _“I bet you’re looking all sleepy and everything too.”_ Cas snorted and grinned.

“What, you’re gonna phone cuddle me as well?”

 _“Yeah, totally,”_ Dean chuckled.

There was another silence and Cas thought it was completely unfair how empty his bed felt.

“I’m hanging up now,” he said quietly when long enough time had passed without any of them saying anything.

 _“Okay, well,”_ Dean said and cleared his throat. _“Sleep tight then.”_

“You too, softy.”

 _“Hey, shut up, you started it!”_ Cas chuckled smugly. _“Hey, Cas?”_

“Yeah?”

_“Love you.”_

Cas huffed a laugh.

“I love you too.”

He hung up and threw the phone next to the wine bottle on the floor before he curled up under the cover, pulling it up to his chin and imagining that Dean was lying next to him as he fell asleep.

\-------

A few days later Cas was leaning against the wall behind the school stairs in between Blake and Noel when Dean stormed up to him and slammed his hands on either side of him. Cas looked up at him, startled.

“What?” he asked rudely.

“I got it.”

“Got what?” 

“The scholarship, I fucking got it!” Cas just kept staring up at him. Dean would get to go to college.

“What do you want, a fucking trophy or something?” Cas asked and Dean started laughing.

“Oh, fuck off, you asshole!” Dean said and shoved him in the chest. Cas grinned at him, put his hands on his neck and gave him a big kiss right on the mouth.

“Congratulations, then, dickhead.”

“That’s more like it,” Dean grinned and pulled him in again, kissing him deeply. Cas was starting to understand the feeling of pride.

“Eh…” Gemma started. “Are you two okay?”

“Yes, thank you very much, Gemma,” Dean said and beamed at her. Cas couldn’t blame her for looking so confused and uncomfortable. “I’m just gonna borrow my boyfriend for a few moment’s, everyone.” And then Cas was being dragged behind the locker rooms, where Dean fell on his knees and put his enchanting mouth around Cas’ dick. It didn’t take many minutes before Cas’ body tensed and Dean swallowed as he came down his throat. Another few minutes and Cas was on his knees and swallowing as Dean came inside his mouth.

“Well, this was something I’ve never actually done on the school area,” Cas mumbled and got up to his feet.

“Yeah, me too,” Dean panted and zipped his pants again. “Hey, you wanna get out of here? Like I donno… get a fucking latte or whatever.” Cas felt a smile tugging on his lips. Dean had gotten a scholarship and he was using his celebration on Cas? 

“Sure.”

“Great.” 

When they were walking from Dean’s locker after getting his stuff that jerk that’d pushed Cas into a locker two week came staggering towards them, loudly asking Dean how it’d gone with the coach. His eyes fell on Cas and he told him to fuck off, you fag. Cas bit his jaw together in anger and was about to walk up to the asshole when Dean stopped him with a hand on his chest. 

“What, you know that loser?” the guy asked.

“Yeah, actually I do,” Dean said and straightened up. “And I’ve been wanting to say this for a very long time, you asshole. _Fuck. You_ , you huge bag of dicks!”

“Hey, what the fuck, man? Why are you all on his side now, huh?”

“How about it’s none of your fucking business?”

“I bet you’re fucking screwing him!”

“You fucking leave him alone, you hear me?”

“Why? He’s just some loser!” 

Although Cas appreciated the effort of Dean defending him, he didn’t want him to do something unnecessarily stupid.

“Dean, it’s not worth it,” he said tiredly and then Dean did the exact opposite to what Cas was trying to make him do and clashed his mouth to Cas’. Cas almost tried to push him off on pure reflex, but if this was how Dean wanted to come out then who was he to stop him? He pressed closer to Dean instead and opened his mouth when Dean’s tongue came licking at his lips. Dean’s hand brushed through his hair before he pulled back and Cas loved the rebellious excitement rushing through him.

“You’re gay?” one of the guys shouted.

“Why, you wanna get in too?” Dean said smugly and Cas just shook his head as he turned around to get out of the scene. His boyfriend was insane. 

“That’s gross! We showered together!”

“Fuck off, Pete, I wouldn’t look at you anyway even if I got paid for it.” 

“Hey! Don’t fucking walk away!” 

“Fuck you, Pete! Fuck you very much!” Dean’s voice called and then quick footstep came up to Cas and Dean’s hand sneaked into his just as they turned around a corner, Dean grinning big at him. “Let’s have burgers,” he said excitedly and Cas had to laugh because he looked like he’d just victoriously stormed the barricades. In a way Cas supposed he had.

They never got around to have burgers because Dean caught sight of a row of pies in a coffee shop and dragged Cas in there instead. 

Three slices of pies in a box later they were sitting in Madison Square Garden, Dean leaning his back against Cas’ chest and digging around amongst peaches and pastry and Cas with his arm thrown over Dean’s shoulder and smoking. Dean leaned his head back against Cas’ shoulder with a relaxed sigh and Cas stole a glance at him. His freckles were standing out more and more the more Dean was out in the sun and Cas huffed and leaned down to trail kisses down his cheek. Dean opened his eyes again and those green looked up into the blue.

“Olive,” Cas said and Dean got a small crease between his eyebrows.

“What?”

“Your eyes,” Cas explained and took another drag. When he glanced down at Dean again his eyebrows were raised.

“Really?”

“Mostly anyway.”

“Mostly?” 

Cas huffed a laugh.

“Sometimes they almost turn khaki.” Dean just gawked at him and Cas didn’t know what else to say, so he focused on putting out the cigarette instead. Dean’s lips pressed against his jaw and he couldn’t help smiling.

“Fucking artists,” Dean mumbled and Cas huffed a laugh and sneaked his arm around Dean’s waist, kissing his neck.


	5. Suck it and see

Going to school the next day was a bad decision. Cas got to his locker to find it covered in words like ‘fag’ and ‘queer’ and when he opened it several notes fell out. He frowned at them and kicked them away with his foot.

“Wow,” said a voice behind him and Cas looked over his shoulder to see Blake standing there. “Who did you piss off?”

“Possibly the whole soccer team,” Cas muttered and Blake laughed.

“Wait here,” he said and disappeared down the corridor.

“Hey,” said a girl’s voice on Cas’ other side. When he turned around she blinked eagerly at him.

“Yes?” he said impatiently.

“Are you the guy dating Dean Winchester?”

Cas groaned and hit his head against the locker door.

“Fuck off,” he told the girl and she made a face and quickly got lost. A few minutes later Blake was back with a spray can.

“You sure?” Cas asked sceptically.

“Yeah, absolutely,” Blake said and started spraying Cas’ locker in a horrible blue.

“Oh, god,” Cas muttered, repelled, and decided to get out of the school again. He didn’t try to go back there for a whole week and when he did his locker was back to the normal warm orange colour. Cas was trying to find his spare pack of cigarettes when a girl came up to him and heatedly accused him of turning Dean gay.

“I’m pretty sure that was Dean’s own fault,” Cas muttered and ignored her and her “break up with him or I’ll make you pay” until she went away. He still hadn’t found the cigarettes when a second girl came up to him.

“You don’t deserve him anyway!” she ranted with her hands on her hips.

“Piss off,” Cas shot back and she gasped.

“Just give me a week and I’ll make him realise I’m what he really wants,” she threatened and staggered away. Cas just rolled his eyes and hated that she actually managed to give him a worried stab in his stomach. When he was pushing the cigarettes into his back pocket another one slapped him on the shoulder.

“How dare you steal Dean from me?” this girl almost shouted at him and Cas slammed his locker shut. “You’re ruining him!” she called after him as he determinately walked away. “Hey, you fucking fag!”

Cas closed his eyes and took a deep breath so he wouldn’t snap at her and fished his phone up. This was all Dean’s fault. _‘Three girls have threatened me for stealing their high school crush during the last ten minutes. THREE.’_ he sent to Dean. 

_‘I’ve had like five telling me how dreamy you are, so stop complaining. And what can I say, I come with a price.’_ Cas stared at the phone, angrily chewing on his tongue. 

_‘Dreamy?! Well, if I have to fucking listen to one more fucking chick telling me why I don’t deserve you, I’m not sure I wanna pay it anymore. I preferred it when no one talked to me.’_ He actually felt a bit hurt because of it all. It was irrational, but he still didn’t like people telling him he didn’t deserve Dean. 

_‘There there sweetheart, calm down.’_ Dean replied. _‘Now tell me what you’re wearing.’_

“Fucking asshole,” Cas breathed and went out to behind the school stairs to chain-smoke.

\-------

On Tuesday Cas was sitting on the balustrade outside his house with a latte and listening to CHVRCHES, picking on a stain on his dark blue sweater, when his phone started ringing. He checked the screen to see Dean’s name and his stomach made a small flip.

“Yes?”

 _“Hi,”_ Dean said cheerfully. _“Watcha doing?”_

“Not much,” Cas replied. “Why?”

 _“You wanna hang out?”_

“Sure.”

 _“Okay. You wanna meet somewhere downtown? It’s really nice outside.”_ Cas huffed a laugh.

“Could you sound any more like an old lady?”

_“Shut up, you could use some sunlight, you look like a ghost.”_

“I’m outside all the time, douche.”

 _“Yeah, okay, whatever,”_ Dean said and laughed quietly. _“Do you want to or not?”_

“Yeah, sure.”

_“Great! Columbus circle in an hour?”_

“Sounds good.”

 _“Okay, great,”_ Dean said excitedly and Cas smiled. _“See you later then.”_

“Yeah, see you.” Cas hung up and got to his feet. He went upstairs to change into a new sweater, only to have Hester calling him into the kitchen the minute he entered the apartment, sitting him down by the kitchen table and ranting about school and responsibilities. It didn’t take long before Claire came up again.

“If you only knew how hard it is to see you being so careless after losing Claire,” Hester said. _I do know, you’ve told me every other day for two years now._ Cas couldn’t do this now, he just physically couldn’t. 

“That’s not-“ Cas started wearily, but he didn’t get any further before Hester interrupted him, going on and on and on until Cas felt like he’d combust. He missed Claire too and he didn’t have time for this.

“You should have learned to be more responsible by now,” Hester ranted on angrily.

“Why would you even care?!” Cas snapped loudly and stood up from the chair.

“Because if you had focused on looking after Claire more than spoiling yourself then maybe she would have been okay!”

The silence that followed felt like a void. Cas wasn’t really sure how he got out but suddenly he was walking down the street towards the metro and sucking on a cigarette like his life depended on it. It wasn’t fair, Hester wasn’t being fair, but it still hurt, _hurt, hurt, hurt._

Cas was on cigarette number six when Dean sat down next to him on the stone bench by Columbus Circle and tried to make him open up and talk. When Dean settled with putting an arm around Cas’ back and sitting there in silence, Cas took a drag from cigarette number seven and told him what Hester had said.

“She was right though,” Cas murmured and leaned his forehead in his hand again.

“Hey, I thought you said you wasn’t blaming yourself,” Dean said and shook him a little.

“I don’t, it’s just… she shouldn’t have had to die, you know.” He threw the cigarette away and quickly stood up, ignoring how Dean opened his mouth to reply. “Sorry, I’m being all heavy and shit. You wanna go somewhere?”

“No,” Dean said and leaned forward in the bench with his elbows on his knees. “I wanna make sure you’re not just repressing a ton of stuff and that you’re gonna be okay for real.”

“I am okay, let’s just go,” Cas replied frustrated.

“Well, you’re obviously not,” Dean said and stood up too. “You can talk to me.”

“No,” Cas said sternly, feeling his heart starting to beat faster. 

“Why?” 

“Because I’ll have a fucking breakdown!” Cas snapped, turned around and walked away from him with determined steps.

“Hey!” Dean called behind him.

“Leave me alone.”

“Hell no, just… stop!” Dean said and pulled hard on his arm. “Don’t fucking run away from me.”

“Don’t fucking run after me.”

“Dude, stop! I’m sorry, alright?” He looked at Cas, who crossed his arms over his chest and stared back at him defiantly.

“Fine,” he said and swallowed, refusing to look in Dean’s direction and with his jaw set. There were tears burning behind his eyes and he tried hard to keep them away, swallowing again.

“Oh, son of a bitch…” Dean breathed, pulled him onto an alley and drew him into his arms, holding him tightly.

“Fuck off, just leave me alone!” Cas pushed on his stomach, trying to make him back away, but Dean just held him tighter.

“No, I’m not gonna fuck off,” Dean said and a sob escaped despite Cas’ efforts. “It’s okay, Cas, it really is.”

“I’m sorry,” he said and buried his face against Dean’s neck. Dean shouldn’t have to do this, but Cas couldn’t stop it anymore. 

“It’s okay, I’ve got you,” Dean murmured and pushed kisses into his hair. “You don’t have to be so strong all the time.” Cas felt his walls tumbling and tears started streaming down his cheeks.

“It shouldn’t have happened,” he sobbed.

“I know, Cas, I know,” Dean said soothingly.

“I don’t even know where it all went wrong.”

“Schh, it wasn’t your fault.”

“But it was my responsibility. She was my little sister.” It felt like being punched in the gut over and over.

“I know, I’m so sorry.” 

“And it’s been two fucking years. I shouldn’t get like this,” he choked out and fisted Dean’s shirt.

“It’s okay.”

“I’m really sorry.”

“Don’t say that, I’m telling you, it’s okay.”

Everything was just so painful and sad, so Cas let himself cling to Dean and let go against his warm body, feeling like he was breaking inside. It was better than trying to contain it and then break down again when he was alone. Eventually he was able to stop crying and Cas rested his forehead against Dean’s shoulder, taking deep breaths.

“I’m sorry,” he said again.

“I know, stop saying that,” Dean told him.

Cas lifted his head and tried to dry the tears from his face, feeling Dean’s fingers come up to help before he cupped Cas’ face and gave him a soft kiss. Cas wasn’t sure how to behave. He hadn’t broken down like this in ages and he felt ashamed that Dean had had to hold him up and take it. 

“You wanna get back to my place?” Dean asked him gently and brushed his fingers through Cas’ hair.

“Sure,” Cas answered with his eyes on the ground and tried to swallow down the raw feeling in his throat. He still didn’t know what to do about the vulnerability and he felt too exposed. Dean seemed to notice because put his hands in his hair and leaned their foreheads together.

“It’s really okay, you know, I’d never judge you or anything.”

“I know,” Cas replied.

“Good.”

Cas pressed his lips against Dean’s when he leaned forward. Dean stroked his cheek before he moved to walk out of the alley, stopping when Cas didn’t follow him.

“Dean, I…” Cas started. He needed to say something, somehow tell him that there was a hole in his chest that had somehow shrunk a tiny bit when Dean held him through the sorrow.

“What is it?” 

“I… just…” How the fuck do you phrase that you need someone to hold you because you feel so hopelessly wrenched and inconsolable and unable to pull that tear is your chest together on your own? Cas didn’t know, so he just gave in and reached his arms out. The look on Dean’s face changed instantly and he rushed forwards, almost crushing Cas in his arms. It felt so, so, incredibly good. Dean’s lips pressed against his neck and Cas felt the sadness slowly ebb away into something manageable. It felt cleansing somehow, to break down and find out that Dean would comfort him like that.

“Fuck,” Cas breathed after a while and huffed a small laugh. “I’m really pathetic, aren’t I?”

“You’re absolutely not,” Dean told him firmly and took his hand when he pulled away. “Let’s just go home, alright?”

“Yeah.”

Cas was almost starting to think that Dean had to be a figure of his imagination, because he took him home and started messing with him, stealing his phone and snapping picture after picture of him forcing kisses onto Cas' face until he started smiling and feeling like himself again. 

\-------

Realising that he had been together with Dean for over three months was like a slap in the face. A good slap, if that makes any sense, but still. Cas did so while sitting with his back against the outer wall at school and a cigarette between his fingers. One minute he was thinking about how he and Dean had been dozing on Dean’s couch after a post-sex shower the day of the breakdown, waiting for a pizza to arrive, and then bam! Three months. Cas froze with his cigarette half raised and stared somewhere miles ahead of him.

“Hey, dude!” Blake said above him and smacked him in the head with a paper.

“What the-“ Cas stuttered and flared his arms dumbly for being so abruptly awaken from much better thoughts than what could possibly be on offer here. Blake crouched down and was like five inches away from Cas’ face.

“Whatcha thinking about?” he said with a disgusting grin and Cas made sure to push him over as he stood up.

“Fuck off,” he muttered, because he could feel his cheeks heating. Blake just laughed and got up too to lean against the wall next to Cas.

“Don’t worry, I’m not judging,” he smirked and Cas just rolled his eyes. “Hey, can I have one?” he added and poked on Cas’ back pocket. Cas put his hand inside it and fished out the cigarette pack. “Thanks,” he mumbled after he’d taken a cigarette and Cas pushed the pack into his pocket again. Blake had a new tattoo down his right forearm, Cas noticed when Blake raised the cigarette to his mouth. Cas’ eyes tugged towards the tattoo as he slowly took a drag. It was black and white with roses and vicious looking owl.

“Who did it?” Cas asked absently. The owl seemed to almost be staring right through him. Blake glanced down at his tattoo.

“Keera,” he replied and lifted his arm a little.

“She’s good,” Cas mumbled and leaned back against the wall. Blake just smirked at him.

Later that day Cas was on the subway, leaning next to the door, on his way to buy stuff like a deodorant and razors, gazing at his shoes and thinking that he should probably clean them sometime soon. His earphones was shutting out all the noise by playing ‘Knights of Cydonia’ by Muse and the old lady sitting a few feet from him was giving him suspicious looks like he would suddenly burst into anarchy and malevolence. A punk kid, probably no older than 14, standing on the opposite side of the car was watching Cas with fascination instead, looking ironically innocuous in his studded jeans jacket and eyebrow piercing. ‘Glad to be inspirational,’ Cas thought, rolling his eyes, and got off at Times Square, walking into Walgreens. It was a huge store that sold pretty much anything you could think of that could be found inside a house.

He was in the middle of uninterestedly sniffing through different cologne just to waste some more time when he suddenly recognised the smell from one of them. It took three more deep inhales when he realised it smelled like Dean used to smell a while ago before he’d changed fragrance. Then he stood there for several minutes, having an inner conflict, before he just turned on his heel and bought that one too. Afterwards he stormed off to Urban Outfitters and bought three more or less psychedelic t-shirts just to get rid of the cheesy, awkward feeling in his chest.

\-------

On Friday Cas woke up in Gemma’s bed around lunchtime by Gemma’s phone buzzing. Gemma was still asleep next to him so he felt around on the nightstand until his fingers touched the phone and he picked it up.

“Yeah?” he answered, barely awake.

 _“Who’s this?”_ a girl’s familiar voice said.

“Cas,” Cas mumbled and turned over to lie on his stomach.

 _“Oh, hi, it’s Maya.”_ Cas just hummed. _“So we’re going out tonight to that new place on 57th that Ell’s been talking about. You two coming?”_ Maya and Ell were two rock chicks Gemma had met at a M83 concert a few years ago.

“Sure,” Cas mumbled and was almost asleep again. “Text Gemma.” With that he hung up and didn’t even have energy to put the phone back so he fell asleep with it pressed to his shoulder.

A few hours later Gemma woke him up by ruffling his hair and Cas accidentally hit her in the stomach. She put a cup of coffee in his hands before she dragged him out to go to Macy’s.

“Why do all perfumes have to be fucking flowers and pink and shit?” she asked him fretfully as they were in the middle of the perfume section. Cas just wanted another coffee and for all the sales women to stop smiling at him. He wasn’t gonna buy any fucking perfume anyway. Then there was something spraying on his throat and he blinked in surprise to find Gemma standing there with a bottle in her hand.

“What the fuck, Gemma?” he said and Gemma grinned and took up another.

“Maybe this one?” she said casually before his chest was being sprayed too.

“Shit, just stop it,” he hissed, because the smiling sales woman closest to them started to look stiff. Gemma put the bottle down and winked at the woman before walking over to another perfume brand. Cas ended up being sprayed with five more perfumes before he just turned on his heel and stormed out of there. 

“See you tonight then!” Gemma called after him.

Later that night he was digging around for his light blue trashed jeans after showering when his phone rang.

 _“What did you think of the third one?”_ Gemma asked him.

“Are we talking about perfumes?” Cas asked and tried to button the jeans with just one hand.

_“Yeah.”_

“I don’t know, maybe you wanna talk to my sweater instead?” he said sarcastically and Gemma almost cried with laughter. Cas just hung up on her and grumpily pulled out his kaleidoscope-patterned sweater from his wardrobe. It was dark blue, purple and yellow and according to Gemma it made her feel like she was tripping. Cas pulled it on with a ridiculous amount of satisfaction. 

The place one 57th was a new indie bar that Ell’s boyfriend’s something owned. It was pretty crowded and most of the people there either played in a band or dated someone who did. Ell and Maya was off to talk to some skinny guy who looked like he thought he was the coolest person in the world the minute they’d gotten their beers and Gemma soon caught sight of Alex on the other side of the room.

“Shush,” she told Cas with a finger in his chest.

“I wasn’t gonna say anything!” he defended himself and Gemma gave him one last flat look before she turned around and left him by the bar. And maybe Cas was feeling a little but grumpy about it. His suffering didn’t last long, because soon he noticed a guy with plum coloured pants, a grey t-shirt and brown boots walking towards him. His name was Elijah Dixon and he probably had more homosexuality in his right pinkie than Cas had in his entire body. His mother claimed his long lost father was Ugandan, which gave him that perfect shimmering brown skin that just made you want to lick him. Cas would be lying if he stated he hadn’t considered it a few times. Didn’t hurt that he was 6’2” and spent every other day at the gym either. 

“Well, well, baby, what are you doin’ standing here all alone?” Elijah purred and leaned next to Cas with his own drink. It had a pink umbrella in it, for fuck’s sake.

“Hey, Dix,” Cas said and took a swing of his beer.

“Someone might come snatch you up,” Elijah pressed on and bumped his elbow against Cas’.

“Is that a threat?” Cas asked dryly and glanced at Elijah, who just grinned and huffed a laugh.

“Yeah, well, I heard someone already has,” Elijah said secretively and turned towards Cas, leaning forwards a little bit. “So tell me, love,” he continued and Cas rolled his eyes, turning to face him too. “Is that man of yours hot?” Cas tried not to smirk, failed, and took a small sip of his beer instead. 

“Yeah,” he answered and Elijah’s grin widened.

“So it’s true? Some hunk actually worked his way into that steel heart of yours?” Elijah asked teasingly and stirred his blue drink with his umbrella before slowly licking it.

“Fuck off,” Cas said with a stupid smile and turned back to lean his back against the bar. 

“It’s too bad though,” Elijah continued and leaned back against the bar too. “I’ve always wondered what you taste like.”

Cas almost choked on his beer.

“I’m afraid I’m off limits.” 

Elijah laughed and took a sip of his drink.

“I think I’ll go get Mr Tight Ass over there then,” he said and undressed a guy across the room with his eyes. The guy had blonde hair, a tight white t-shirt and deliriously perfect fitting jeans. Not Cas’ cup of tea though, but on the other hand, jocks weren’t either and here he was.

“Go fuck his brains out,” Cas replied.

“That’s why I like you, Novak,” Elijah said and flashed him a big smile. “You don’t fuss.”

\-------

Shortly after Elijah had gone of to charm his way into the guy’s pants, Ell and Maya turned up and started tugging on Cas’ sleeves.

“Come on, Cas, we’re hungry!”

“What’s that got to do with me?” Cas asked, a bit annoyed, and put his beer down on the bar.

“We’re gonna go to ‘Cake shop’,” Maya said and interlaced her fingers with Cas’, swinging their hands back and forth. “Gemma’s totally coming too.”

“Really?” Cas asked wryly. Did they think he was fucking chained to her or something? 

“Ey, come on, don’t be so stiff and grumpy,” Ell said pitilessly and Cas snorted at her. But they were sorta right, unfortunately, considering how irritating they were being. And it wasn’t like he was as this bar for any particular reason, except to hang out with them.

“Fine,” Cas sighed and started towards the exit. The girls high fived behind his back and he kinda wanted to smack them. 

So that’s how he ended up at ‘Cake Shop’ at 1.30 AM, with a hot chocolate in front of him and feeling lighter by the minute. Dave - who had joined them on their way out of the bar - and Maya was having a very intense argument about whether or not Steven King was in fact the most epic horror storywriter. Gemma was openly laughing at them and Cas had trouble not following her example, because they were being hilarious.

By the time Maya had starting quoting “Misery” Cas’ phone rang and he fished it out of his pocket and answered.

“What?” 

_“Hi, Cas!”_ Dean’s familiar voice said on the other end. _“Watcha doing?”_

He sounded completely wasted and Cas huffed a laugh.

“I’m out. Are you drunk?”

 _“Nooo,”_ Dean said and Cas snorted.

“Yeah, right.”

 _“Don’t be a dick, Cas, I miss you,”_ Dean whined and Cas tried not to smile as his heart warmed.

“I miss you too.” Gemma threw him a funny look, which he pointedly ignored.

 _“Hey, you wanna come over here?”_ Dean said with a hopeful tone in his voice. _“The drinks are reeeally cheep.”_

“I can hear that,” Cas replied sarcastically and Dean groaned on the other end.

 _“Shut up, I love you, just come here, asshole.”_

Cas felt his chest light up, only to have Gemma noticing and leaning unnervingly close.

“I’m with my friends,” he told Dean at the same time as Gemma poked him on the shoulder.

“Who is it?” she hissed and Cas shushed her with an annoyed frown.

 _“Then fucking bring them too,”_ Dean’s voice said. _“Come on, Cas, I’ll buy you like ten lattes, come ooon, I just wanna kiss you.”_ Cas couldn’t keep himself from laughing, so to escape everyone’s stares he got up from his seat and walked towards the exit.

“That’s the best you can offer?” he teased and leaned against the brick wall outside. Dean made the most overdramatic sigh known to mankind. It was hilarious.

 _“Cas, don’t be such a sarcastic bastard and just go with me here!”_ Dean almost shouted and Cas actually had to pull the phone away from his ear.

“Why don’t you come to us instead?” he asked and dug around his back pocket with his free hand for a cigarette. “You’re out with your dick friends anyway, aren’t you?”

 _“Uh…”_ was all Dean said. Cas chuckled quietly to himself and managed to get a cigarette between his lips to continue to search for his lighter. _“Where are you?”_ Cas drew the first puff of smoke into his lungs and took the cigarette between his fingers.

“’Cake shop’ on 152 Ludlow Street.”

 _“I don’t even know that place and it’s like on the other side of the planet.”_ Fucking hell, if Dean would whine any harder he’d probably break something. Cas would have totally hung up by now if it wasn’t for the fact that he’d spent the last days drawing nothing but full lips and soft, freckle covered collarbones. 

“You’d love it though,” he said instead and Dean’s voice turned so happy Cas had to take a breath.

 _“Really?”_

“Yes. And you can kiss me all you want,” he tempted.

 _“Awesome,”_ Dean said and Cas huffed and hung up.

Dean had shown up awhile later, eyes glimmering and being exceptionally enchanting and Cas couldn’t be expected to keep his hands off that, now could he? Although he didn’t anticipate he’d end up pushed down against the wall in the back alley with Dean behind him, making him lose all sense of control. 

“You gonna beg soon or what?” Dean asked him with a tight voice. His hand was on Cas’ dick and his hips was pushing against Cas’ and Cas was barely functioning anymore.

“Fuck you,” Cas snarled and Dean slowed down the pace of his hand, moving maddeningly slow. It was almost painful. Heavy, white, hot pleasure was pulsating through Cas’ blood and it was too much and not enough. When Dean made him lick on his finger and then pushed it inside him he wanted to scream. It was too hot. He felt like he was on fire and when Dean pushed another in he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Dean… please, just-“ Cas panted and then Dean bent his fingers and he thought he would pass out.

“Sorry, what was that?” Dean asked with ragged breaths.

“Fuck, just-“ Dean crooked his fingers again and Cas bent over more with a gasp as that shot of pleasure heaved inside him. “Please, just fucking please, I’ll do whatever you want, just fucking do it!” 

“I’m still not really convinced,” Dean panted and licked over his back, moving his free hand to twist and work on Cas’ nipples.

“Fuck you!” Cas gasped. He’d never felt this desperate in his life and then Dean started rubbing his hips against his ass again. It was agonisingly delirious and too much pleasure for one person to contain, so Cas just gave in. “Please, Dean, just please, please, I can’t take it-“

“Tell me you need it,” Dean ordered.

“I need it, I need you, fuck, I feel like I’m dying, please just fuck me already.” He felt so raw and ripped open, not aware of anything but Dean and that unbearable desire tearing at his insides. Dean pushed a hand into Cas’ hair and bared his neck to bite down hard before he _finally_ pushed inside him. Cas felt like he was floating and being sucked down into the ocean at the same time with Dean groaning and panting behind him and when he finally came it was like his entire body was split open.

Dean pushed his forehead between Cas’ shoulder blades and then he came, gasping out words and shaking against him. Afterwards Dean stayed there, putting his arms around Cas’ waist. Cas was leaning with his forearms against the wall and wanted Dean to hold on to him forever, because if he let go Cas might fall apart into atoms. They stayed like that for several minutes, just breathing, feeling the other pressed close.

“Shit…” 

A while later Cas was leaning against the wall a bit further down, because there was come all over the wall next to the door, and waiting for Dean to come back out with his sweater. He still felt raw and washed through and he wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about being so completely overpowered, but his body seemed to know what it thought about it because his heart rate wouldn’t slow down.

“I think your friends are onto us,” Dean’s cheerful voice said as he walked out through the backdoor with Cas’ sweater in his arms. He looked just as thoroughly well fucked as Cas felt and Cas couldn’t stop himself from snorting with laughter. “What?” Dean asked and Cas just laughed even harder. He tried to keep Dean from moving in and putting his hands under his thighs, hoisting him up, but there’s really no arguing with someone like Dean after something like that. “I think I must’ve stunned some important brain function,” Dean murmured while his eyes moved over Cas’ face.

“Shut up,” Cas ordered and pushed his lips against Dean’s. There was probably nothing that felt as good as Dean’s lips did. Cas could catch himself needing to feel them just as much as he needed air.

“Mm, Cas,” Dean moaned and Cas just had to get in deeper into his mouth. Dean pressed against him like he couldn’t get close enough and Cas pressed back, tying his arms around Dean’s neck and sneaking a hand down below the collar on the back of his shirt. Dean hummed and broke the kiss to hoist him higher up to get a better grip, leaning Cas’ weight against the wall. He was looking up at him with adoring, brilliant green eyes and Cas just melted. He tied his arms tighter around Dean’s neck, pushed his nose against Dean’s throat and closed his eyes, just drowning in the warmth from Dean and all the feelings swirling around inside. 

“I’ve missed you,” Dean mumbled, being that degree of sentimental he always was, but this time Cas couldn’t do anything more than press kisses to his neck and agree, feeling Dean’s chest expand with breathing. Cas leaned back against the wall that Dean was supporting him against and Dean leaned in to press lips against Cas’ collarbone before he let him down. He pulled the kaleidoscope sweater over his head and took Dean’s hand as they started walking down the street.

\-------

Cas decided he really hated the guy pushing him against a locker. A couple of weeks after ‘Cake Shop’ Cas was on the phone with Dean and walking through a corridor in school on his way home when he was thrown into a locker and strong hands and a disgusting breath pinned him against it. It was the one of the friends to guy who’d been a dick to Sophie and Nora ages ago and this whole pushing thing was getting old. He could hear Dean’s voice calling _‘Cas?’_ from where his phone had landed on the floor when this asshole decided to go all crazy on him.

“You picked the wrong day to come to school, you fucking dick,” the guy barked.

“Get the fuck off me, asshole!” Cas shot back and tried to get his arms free. 

“Shut up, loser,” the guy said harshly. His hands moved to press hard against Cas’ hips and slip under his shirt up over his stomach, making Cas suck in an angry breath.

“You are so fucking dead,” he hissed.

“I thought you liked stuff like this, faggot.”

“What the fuck did you just say?”

“Fucking. Emo. Faggot.”

Cas just managed to slip his wrist out of the guy hold and he punched him hard on the nose. The guy made an angry sound and stood up with blood dripping between his fingers that he squeezed against his face. Cas felt a huge satisfaction, until he was pushed back again, a strong arm against his chest.

“You are fucking gonna regret that, dickhead!”

“’Yeah, I don’t think so.”

“You’re just worthless and lame, so why don’t you save us all the trouble and just kill yourself like your slutty sister?” Cas froze. How did he know? No one knew. It was quieted down, blamed on a bad allergic reaction and Claire being alone at home for those few who had to find out. The guy’s grey eyes bored into Cas’ soul and Cas couldn’t move. He could feel his breathing starting to grow out of control, chest compressing, and the guy seemed to have had his fun, because he shoved Cas back again and then strode away with his friend, the corridor echoing with their laughter. 

Cas sunk to the floor and reached for his phone, quickly clicking the ‘End call’ button and trying to not start hyperventilating. It wasn’t working so well. How much had Dean been able to hear since he hadn’t hung up? Cas pushed his hands into his hair when they started shaking and he was beginning to lose it and then Dean was suddenly in front of him and Cas almost screamed. He couldn’t do this now. He had to get away. He got up to his feet and when Dean was trying to follow he shoved him hard into a locker and then he got out of the school as fast as he could. 

Once sitting on the stairs out in the fresh air he realised what he’d done. Oh, fuck. He tried to take deep breaths, hating himself and the world and everything so, so much. And he just wanted Dean there. It was so pitiful, but it was true. He slowly fished out his phone and swallowed before he clicked on Dean’s name in the contact list.

 _“What?”_ he almost yelled when he picked up.

“Dean,” Cas murmured.

 _“What the fuck do you want now?”_

“Can you come outside?” 

Dean sighed.

_“Sure.”_

While he sat there and tried to stop breathing like a train wreck, a darkness was starting to press down hard over him and it was barely controllable. It hadn’t been that dense in practically a year. It was like a pressing headache, only it was numbing instead of throbbing. He didn’t know how much time passed, but then Dean was sitting down next to him with a hand on his shoulder. 

“I’m sorry,” Cas said and felt miserable. His hands still wouldn’t stop shaking where he’d put them on his drawn up knees.

“Don’t worry about it,” Dean mumbled and put a hand on Cas’ thigh. “You want me to get you home?” 

“I can’t.”

“What?”

“I can’t go home.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m afraid I might do something,” Cas mumbled and closed his eyes. He didn’t want this to be happening, not in front of Dean.

“Do something like what?” Dean asked and Cas sighed, leaning his face into his crossed arms. This wasn’t fair to Dean, it really wasn’t, but the black fog was tying itself around him and he couldn’t have hidden it even if he wanted to. “Hey, you wouldn’t… you wouldn’t, you know… right?” Dean asked anxiously and Cas hated himself even more.

“Not sober,” he mumbled and wished for Dean’s own sake that he would get up and leave.

“But… oh,” Dean said slowly and then there were firm arms tying around Cas and pulling him against Dean’s chest and he couldn’t take the hurt anymore.

“Please, don’t leave me here alone,” he begged and pressed closer against Dean.

“No, no, no, of course not,” Dean said and stroked his back. “I’ll fucking kill them,” he murmured furiously and held him tighter. Cas just pressed against him and dived into the feeling of not having to be scared on his own. “You wanna get out of here?”

“Sure,” Cas replied weakly and sat up a bit, rubbing his eyes to get a fucking grip of himself. Dean took Cas’ hand and pressed a kiss to his temple. 

“Come on,” he said and pulled Cas up to his feet, leading him away from the school.

“Where are we going?”

“Firstly Imma get you a very big latte and then we’re gonna do something really lame, like going to the M&M store at Times Square and buy as much candy as we can carry.” And there was that itching feeling of not understanding, of feeling like this wasn’t really happening, and Cas had just had enough.

“Why are you so kind?” Cas demanded and pulled him to a halt. 

“What?” Dean asked, confused.

“You just do all these things and you don’t ask for anything in return. Why?”

“Because you deserve it,” Dean said. Cas’ mind was on top speed, but it couldn’t make sense. People didn’t have good things knocking on their door like that. “I wanna make you happy. Haven’t you understood that yet?” Dean smiled and kissed him again before he started walking again.

“I don’t think I’ll ever understand you,” Cas told him and held his hand tighter.

Not only did Dean do everything he could to cheer Cas up, he even pulled him home with him after Cas had tried to lie about how he was just fine, even though he knew that that gloomy feeling inside wouldn’t pass for days and that he’d probably have to stay away from home all night to feel safe about not ending up in something unwise. Didn’t mean anyone else should have to suffer because of it. Dean strongly disagreed and Cas ended up in Dean’s t-shirt in Dean’s arms in Dean’s bed and Cas felt himself deflate. He lay with his back towards Dean, not really sure of how to handle feeling so defenceless and yet safe. There was a new sort of need growing inside and he didn’t know what to make of it, but he was still so grateful that he didn’t have to do this alone. Finally it became too much and he turned around and pushed a kiss to Dean’s lips, pressing as close against him as he could with his eyes threatening to tear up. 

“Thank you,” he whispered and hid his face against Dean’s neck.

“Any time,” he replied and brushed his fingers through his black hair and down his neck. Cas swallowed and then he put his arms around Dean, hugging him close. “I won’t let you get hurt,” Dean added quietly and Cas sniffled. It felt so good being cared about and to feel small for once. Dean held him tight until he seemed to finally be falling asleep. Cas pressed a small kiss to Dean’s jaw and lay down on his shoulder, burying his hand in Dean’s t-shirt to feel his steady heartbeat against his palm until he fell asleep too.

\-------

Cas woke up to voices talking the next day and the space next to him being empty. He pulled on his jeans and carefully opened the door, hearing Dean and Mary’s voices in the kitchen, mentioning his name.

“What happened, honey?” Mary said and Cas sneaked closer.

“Some of my old friends were being total dicks to him,” Dean’s upset voice said and Cas carefully leaned against the doorframe. Dean was sitting with his back towards Cas and Mary was sitting opposite him, too concentrated on her son to even notice Cas. “They’ve shoved him into lockers and called him stuff several times and yesterday they said really shitty stuff and they hurt him, mom. Like not just physically, but really hurt him and I couldn’t stop it.” _Oh fuck, Dean._

“It’s not your fault,” Cas said and Dean looked up at him with startled eyes. “Sorry for eavesdropping,” he added, mostly to Mary.

“That’s okay, sweetie, we shouldn’t have talked about it in the first place,” she said. When she was about to pass him in the doorway she stopped and put a hand on his shoulder. Cas could feel himself tense up. “I want you to know that you’re more than welcome to come to us if you have any problems or just want to talk to someone.” Cas just stared at her and then he almost jerked back when she gently stroked his cheek. She walked past him, but Cas couldn’t get his head to work again. This was bad. This was really, really bad.

“I have to go,” he said and rushed into Dean’s room again.

“Hey, wait a minute!” Dean called after him and appeared in the room while Cas was changing into his own t-shirt. “What’s the hurry?”

“Thanks for letting me sleep here,” Cas said and tried to rush out again, but Dean put a hand on his arm and made him stop.

“Why are you running away?” 

“You’re in too deep!” Cas said stressfully.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“You’re in too fucking deep and it’s getting too close and now your family’s getting in too and it’s too much!” Cas rambled and pulled his arm free.

“What do you mean in too deep?” Dean asked, baffled. “I don’t get what the problem is.”

“Of course you fucking don’t,” Cas muttered and tried to get past him again, but Dean just rolled his eyes and held him still by grabbing his shoulders.

“Explain,” he ordered. Shit, why couldn’t he just let him go for _once_?

“I’m bringing you down,” Cas said frustratingly. “You get pulled into my shit and now your family gets pulled in too and it’s not right.”

“Maybe we can help,” Dean tried. 

“I can’t ask that of you,” Cas said dismissively. 

“You’re not asking, I’m offering.”

“And I can’t accept it!” He felt corner and exposed, like everyone was getting in on a secret he hadn’t meant to share. _You’re not allowed in that deep, I have walls for a reason._ “It’s not even something that’s possible to fix, so I’m telling you to get out before I make you unhappy.”

“Hey, dude.” Dean shook him a little bit. “You’re seriously not fucking breaking up with me, are you?” 

“Well, if that’s what I have to do, then I’ll do it.” Cas said, ignoring the hard stab of pain.

“Dude, I thought you loved me.” Cas’ heart tightened and it hurt down to the marrow to look into Dean’s anguished eyes and open his mouth again.

“I do, that’s why I’m giving you the chance to get out.”

“But, Cas, I… I need you,” Dean told him furiously.

“That’s the fucking problem!” Cas said and wished he could hit him in the head so he would understand. “It’s not good to need someone like that! I’m dark and depressing and if you actually need me, that just means you won’t be able to let go and be happy!” _Don’t get too clingy, you fucking asshole, we’ll both end up drowning._

“Fuck you, Cas, I am happy!” Dean barked. “You make me happy, you son of a bitch! You can think whatever you want, but you’re not bringing me down and I’ll be damned if I won’t try and help you even if you don’t want it! And fuck you for trying to break up with me, asshole!” Cas felt numbingly sad and he knew he was hurting Dean, but he couldn’t stop it now. There was no way he could let Dean’s entire family get in on his most hidden parts that had already seeped out and fastened themselves inside Dean. He couldn’t do that anymore. Then Dean’s arms reached out and he dragged Cas into a rib-crushing hug. Cas just felt hopeless. “Tell me you’re taking it back,” Dean demanded and pulled back again.

“Dean-“

“Just tell me!” Dean said frenziedly.

“I can’t watch you get hurt!” Cas burst out and shoved Dean away, feeling like the room was getting too small and the walls were moving in on him.

“Then don’t fucking hurt me by pushing me away!” Dean almost yelled. “How can you still not get it? I want _you_ , not some prettied up version of you, not just the good bits, _you_. And I will not let you slip away from me like that.”

“You don’t even know the whole me!” Cas yelled back. “And trust me, you don’t want to see everything, because it’s a fucking mess!”

“I want to see the whole you, seriously!”

“But I can’t handle it! I can’t let you in that close!” Cas’ voice broke and he dragged a hand through his hair. 

“Oh, yeah?” Dean said sharply. “So what about your friends? What about Gemma? She’s allowed to see everything, isn’t she?”

“Gemma’s different,” Cas said defensively. 

“How can she be different?”

“Because she was in from the start! I’ve known her almost my entire life and she wasn’t just thrown into all this chaos. I can’t do that to you, so just fuck off!” The were tears pushing behind his eyes, so he rushed out, avoiding Dean’s arm that tried to catch him again.

“Cas!” Dean called tiredly after him, but he couldn’t stop running. ‘It’s like ripping off a Band-Aid,’ Cas told himself. ‘Dean will get over it.’ Dean would get over _him_. Cas made a choking sound and rushed out into the street, past people who were all staring at him, until he reached the subway station and accidentally almost sprinted off the platform because his eyes were so blurred. He took a deep breath and dried his eyes. _Get a grip._ When he was back on Manhattan he got off again and kept walking quickly for a bit more until he reached an isolated part East River where he collapsed against a wall. 

He unlocked his phone, swallowing and blinking to try and get his eyes to stop being so blurry, and opened Spotify, clicking on 'Fade to black' when the title scrolled by. Then he leaned back against the wall again and shut his eyes, trying to make the entire world go away as the guitars playing overtook his entire conscience. It might be self-torture, but he just wanted to feel it.

_Life, it seems, will fade away_  
 _Drifting further, every day_  
 _Getting lost within myself_  
 _Nothing matters, no one else_  
 _I have lost the will to live_  
 _Simply nothing more to give_  
 _There is nothing more for me_  
 _Need the end to set me free_

It didn’t help. It didn’t fucking help. The hurt still throbbed inside and maybe it wasn’t so strange, but he didn’t know what else to do than listen to the song. He’d lost. He’d finally lost, it’d happen, it’d ended and he was a mess. 

_Things not what they used to be_  
 _Missing one inside of me_  
 _Deathly loss, this can't be real_  
 _I cannot stand this hell I feel_  
 _Emptiness is filling me_  
 _To the point of agony_  
 _Growing darkness, taking dawn_  
 _I was me, but now he's gone_

He shouldn’t get to miss Dean like this since he was the one who’d rushed out of there, but he did. He missed Dean so fucking much his entire insides were tearing and ripping. 

“ _Fuck_ ,” he sobbed and slid down the wall, curling into a ball and burying his face in his arms, crying with the song playing on repeat in his ears until he couldn’t feel anymore.


	6. I wanna be yours

When he woke up again there was darkness around him and a boot pushing on his foot.

“Hey, kid, you dead?” a voice said from the same direction as the boot. Cas just pulled his foot away and slowly got to his feet, ripping the earphones out of his ears. Turned out his phone had died. Great. He sighed deeper than seemed possible and dried his eyes, because they were still a bit wet, before he pushed the phone into his pocket and started walking towards Gemma’s apartment. 

“What the fuck?” was what Gemma greeted him with, along with wide eyes and slightly gaping mouth. Cas realised he probably looked like crap.

“I need to charge my phone,” he replied and wiped his cold nose with a few fingers. Gemma just shook her head and let him in. Cas swiftly walked straight into her room and kneeled by the phone charger by her half height bookcase. He’d managed to connect his phone to it and restart it before he felt a hand on his shoulder and Gemma’s knee bumping against his side.

“What’s up?” she said quietly. Cas bit his jaw together and concentrated on entering his password even though his hands were starting to shake again. “Hey, sugar?” Wrong password. _Wrong_ password? The second number was 2, wasn’t it? Or was it the third? “ _Cas_?”

“Yes, fuck!” Cas snapped and sat down on his heels with a sigh. He had to get his shit together, goddammit. Not only did he probably look more homeless than usual, he was going crazy too because of that sucking, tattered feeling in his gut. Cas rubbed his face with his hands and slowly let a breath out. The time seemed to drag on forever before he inhaled again from behind his palms and then it just floated out of his mouth. “Broke up with Dean, okay?” 

“Fuck,” Gemma breathed and Cas finally dared to sneak a look at her from behind his hands. She looked like she was in pain. “Hey, I’m so sorry-“ she began again, but Cas didn’t want to hear it.

“Not your problem,” he muttered and changed position to sit with his back against the wall.

“’Course it is.”

“No.”

“Cas-“

“Drop it!” He tried entering his password once more and frowned when the damn thing turned red again, biting hard on his tongue because he _will - not - cry._

“Hey, jerk!” Gemma said harshly and suddenly there was a hand in his hair forcing him to look up at her and another almost slapping him in the chest. “Don’t fucking tell me what is or isn’t my problem!” Cas realised he probably was a jerk, because she looked genuinely upset, and that was just fucking it, wasn’t it? He barely had time to inhale before everything got blurry again and something warm fell down his cheeks. Gemma let go of his hair and whispered, “Shit, Cas” while he tried to dry his cheeks and chin and nose with useless fingers. Then there were more firm fingers on his face, doing more good than his were, so he dropped his hands and let Gemma handle the mess he was.

“Talk,” she ordered quietly while she dried his face with her sleeve and stroked his hair at the same time. 

“It wasn’t-” Cas started, but couldn’t go on, took a breath, tried again. “He didn’t- I just couldn’t-“ Another breath. “I just couldn’t handle it. It’s too close, too much, too open, and I can’t- I can’t do it, I couldn’t breathe and everyone started to get involved and- and-“ He felt himself starting to lose it again, starting to panic and feeling crowded and exposed, but Gemma just hushed him and when she massaged his shoulders and moved in to hug him the edges seemed to soften again. Gemma was warm and comforting, so he put his arms around her waist and his nose against her shoulder.

“I need to forget,” he sniffled and Gemma moved one hand to his neck and pulled back to push a bottle from behind a row of books into his hands two seconds later.

“Kyle got heroin.”

Cas took a long sip from the bottle.

“Great.” Turned out to be vodka. Well, why beat around the bush, right?

“Love you,” she mumbled and kissed him on the forehead, before she stood up, pulled out a new shirt from her chest of drawers and started going through her makeup bag.

“Love you too,” Cas mumbled back and took another swing from the bottle.

\-------

The next couple of days were a blur. Cas woke up in his bed on Thursday with pain coming from every muscle and only flashes of memories, most of them not making any sense. The sun was streaming in through the window straight in his eyes and he groaned and rolled around, hiding his face in his arms. Life was a nuisance. Truly. The skin on his left hipbone was soar and he pushed his hand under the hem of his shirt to find out if he’d managed to get more cigarette burns. His fingertips didn’t find the round blisters like he’d expected though. It felt more like lines on his skin, like unhealed scars. Utterly confused he pushed himself up on an elbow and pulled his t-shirt up. And then his jaw dropped.

No. No, no and _no_.

The lines turned out to be black letters clearly shaping out the name Dean. Cas stared at them for what felt like an eternity before he shot out of bed and rushed into the bathroom, pulling his shirt off and gaping at the black letters in the mirror. Maybe it wasn’t permanent? Cas pushed a thumb over it only to have the skin burning. Fuck.

The next thing he knew he was pacing around his room like a lunatic and with his phone pressed against his ear, pulling his hand through his hair over and over and trying to breathe. 

_“Hello?”_ Gemma’s voice said.

“What the fuck happened last night?” Cas practically yelled at her.

_“Whoa, shit, calm down! What’s wrong?”_

“Just answer the goddamn question!”

 _“I don’t know, okay?”_ Gemma shouted back. _“You went missing.”_

Cas had to sit down on the bed.

_“Hey, is everything okay?”_

“No, it’s not, it’s fucking not okay, it’s like light years from okay!” His poor head was starting to pound and he dropped his forehead into his palm. 

_“Tell me what happened then,”_ Gemma said with an annoyingly calm voice.

“I… can’t.” Or more correctly, he didn’t want to. He didn’t want this to have happened, he didn’t want to be in this mess and he didn’t want to be away from Dean, particularly not with Dean’s name carved into his fucking skin. Suddenly he felt nauseous and that pain started clawing inside his chest again. He needed another bottle of vodka and to die in a hole.

 _“Why do you always have to do this?”_ Gemma murmured tiredly. Cas opened his mouth to ask ‘do what?’ but she cut him to it. _“Alright, I’m coming over, don’t run away or anything.”_ And with that she hung up.

“Run away? I’m not that fucking overdramatic,” Cas muttered and lay down on the bed. 

He didn’t know how much time had passed when Gemma came through the door and slammed it shut, because he’d somehow managed to doze off. 

“Put on a shirt, would you?” she said and grabbed a t-shirt from his desk chair, throwing it in his face.

“Fuck you,” Cas murmured and pulled it over his head. Next thing he knew Gemma was right in front of him, throwing her arms around him and giving him a tight hug. And there were those tears again, streaming down his cheeks.

“Gosh, I’m gonna kill him for doing this to you,” Gemma murmured and dried his cheeks like he was a small child. “Now talk before I slap you,” she threatened quietly and Cas huffed a small laugh. 

“Okay, wait,” he sniffled and pushed himself from the bed. He stood there in front of it for a moment with his fingers on the hem, feeling so incredibly self-conscious. 

“What are you doing?” Gemma asked and then her jaw dropped when Cas pulled his t-shirt up. He didn’t want to see it again so he closed his eyes and almost jumped when Gemma’s fingers gripped his hip. 

“The fuck is this?” She dragged her hand over the tattoo and Cas slapped it away, pulling the shirt down again and crossing his arms over his chest, curling in on himself. Dying in a hole suddenly seemed inadequate. “When did you get it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then why did you get it?”

“I don’t know, okay?” Cas said defensively and wanted her to leave again. Gemma threw another look at him and then went up to his closet, pulling a sweater out. 

“Come on,” she said and pushed it into his arms, moving towards the door. 

“Where are we going?” Cas asked dumbly.

“Starbucks,” she replied, pulling him after her by his hand. “I’m not letting you sit in here and torture yourself until you jump off a roof.” Cas quickly wiped a tear away from underneath his eye and let himself be dragged outside.

\-------

The next day Cas spent in his room, almost driving himself mad and smoking every single one of his cigarettes. Should he tell Dean about the tattoo? Would Dean want to know? Should he know anyway? Did Cas have the right to just go back and invade his life again? When he stood brushing his teeth, trying to get rid of that gross taste from smoking too much, he stared into the mirror, stared at his own blue eyes gazing back at him. And then on a whim he put his toothbrush down and was out the door, out into the pouring rain and on the subway going to Queens before he even knew what happened. He sat there on the dirty seat, biting his thumbnail and thinking that this was probably stupid. On the other hand, all of this was stupid and he wanted to see Dean, even if it would earn him a punch in the face. 

Walking up the stairs to Dean’s apartment was probably one the most petrifying experiences in his life and that was saying something. He didn’t know what he’d do if Dean wasn’t at home. Or if he didn’t want to see him. Or if he just truly hated him, although that did seem unnervingly likely. Cas wiped a raindrop away from his nose and knocked on the door. There was absolute silence and his stomach twisted. He tried again and when there were muffled footsteps moving on the other side of the door he leaned against the doorway, crossing his arms over his wet, dark green sweater. The door was pulled open and then he was face to face with Dean, who froze in the doorway.

“I did something stupid,” Cas said and Dean actually paled. 

“What?” he asked with a hard look in his eyes. Cas’ stomach sunk a little bit, but there was no turning back now.

“Well, actually I did two stupid things, but one might be more permanent,” Cas elaborated and Dean almost looked sick.

“What did you do, Cas?”

“I got really high,” he started and Dean groaned.

“Please don’t tell me you were trying to hurt yourself.”

“No, I wasn’t,” Cas replied. “Well, not more than usual,” he added with an amused half smile. Dean didn’t look so amused.

“And the other thing?” he asked tensely. The situation was so surreal it was almost funny and Cas nearly laughed.

“I woke up with a tattoo.”

“Okay, so?”

“It’s your name.”

Dean froze again and Cas felt sorry for him.

“It’s my name?” 

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I’m telling you.”

“Okay, well… can I see it?” 

“Can I come in?” he asked and Dean moved away from the doorway.

Once inside Cas wasn’t sure of what to do. He was just about to show Dean the tattoo of Dean’s name on his fucking hip. It was a degree of uncomfortable he’d never experienced before.

“Come on, don’t leave me hanging,” Dean said and put a hand on his arm, almost making him jump, because Cas hadn’t expected Dean to ever want to touch him again unless it was that punch. Cas’ hands moved to the hem of his sweater and he pulled it up, revealing black ink on his left hipbone. “Wow,” Dean said under his breath and leaned down, tracing his thumb over it. The skin burned, but Cas didn’t mention it. Dean just stood there with his hand on Cas’ hip and a small crease between his eyebrows.

“I fully understand if you hate it,” Cas said and Dean looked up at him.

“I don’t,” Dean said after a short silence. “It’s, eh…”

“Fucking cliché?” Cas helped.

“Yeah, a bit,” Dean said and huffed a laugh, standing up again. “I, uhm… why?” he asked and Cas let his shirt fall down again and put his hands on his pockets.

“I don’t really remember,” he said and took a small pause. “But I missed you from the moment I walked out of here and I couldn’t stop feeling horrible for what had happened, so…”

“You could’ve come back,” Dean said sharply. “Or called.”

“I know,” Cas admitted and swallowed. “I thought I was doing the right thing.”

“How the fuck could that have been the right thing?” Dean asked and crossed his arms over his chest.

“I thought I could let you go so that you wouldn’t get any closer and get stuck.” He stared stubbornly at Dean before he couldn’t look him in the eye anymore. “I did it for you.”

“Well, it was the fucking dumbest thing you’ve ever done,” Dean told him sternly and Cas looked up, watching Dean’s hard face for a couple of seconds.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s really messed up, you know.” Cas’ eyes fell on the floor again.

“Yeah, I know. I freaked out.”

“Yeah, I could tell.” 

_I’m a fucking idiot._ He felt so small and guilty, and without a single idea about how to fix anything. Dean had been standing right there, not going anywhere even though Cas had been a mess, and Cas had just fled out the door and left him there.

“I think I’m in too deep myself,” he murmured. “I don’t want to let you go.”

“Took you long enough to figure out,” Dean said and Cas winced a little.

“I’ll leave if you want me too,” he said even though his stomach turned into a tight knot.

“Oh, fuck off, asshole, don’t even think about leaving again,” Dean said and gripped Cas’ shoulder tight. Cas just looked at Dean’s stern eyes, watched the way Dean looked at him like he was angry and relieved at the same time.

And then all the walls just fucking crumbled and Cas was rambling without being able to control any of it. “Please don’t hate me. I know I fucking messed up and I got scared and I’m sorry and I know I don’t deserve any forgiveness, but I can’t fucking stand you being angry or hurt because of me and now I’ve got your name on my skin and I feel so wrong and horrible and if you push me away now I think I might die.” Cas felt more scared than ever and Dean was just staring at him and he couldn’t handle it, so he put his arms around him and held him tight. “Please, make this alright again, please.” He didn’t know what he’d do if Dean forced him out that door again with that tattoo on his body. He might even carve it out himself.

“Hey, calm down,” Dean’s soothing voice said in his ear. “It’s okay, don’t worry, I’m not gonna push you away.”

“I’m sorry,” Cas said, feeling so awful he thought he could start crying again. ”I’m sorry I’m not a better person, I’m sorry you had to fall in love with me and I’m sorry I’m such a dick.”

“Cas, breathe, goddammit. I’m not sorry I fell in love with you and I really think that’s my call to make.” Cas felt lips against his temple and that fear inside him subsided enough to let him breathe again. “And you can always get that tattoo removed if you want to.” Of course he could. He hadn’t even thought about that. When he finally let go of Dean he felt washed out, like every cell had been plucked apart and rinsed.

“I’m a fucking wreck, aren’t I?” he asked and laughed tiredly.

“Just a little bit,” Dean said and smiled fondly at him. “But you’re my fucking wreck, so it’s alright.”

“Flattering,” Cas replied. Then Dean put a hand on his neck and pulled him in to press his lips to Cas’ and Cas almost clung to him because he was so desperately relived. “Does this mean we’re okay?” he asked tentatively and put his hands in Dean’s hair, brushing through it.

“Yeah,” Dean replied with a small smile and kissed Cas cheek when he let out a long breath of relief. He’d never thought it would be possible to mess up so badly and for things to still be alright afterwards, but he had and yet the world hadn’t come to an end like he’d expected it to.

“I’m still sorry,” he murmured and Dean actually rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, and I still love you,” he replied like that didn’t just threaten to crumble Cas’ whole world again. “You wanna watch some TV or something?” Cas would probably never understand how Dean could take a situation from dramatic breakdown to normal without any seeming effort.

“Sure,” he answered and let Dean pull him into the living room and down on the couch. He lay there along Dean’s side and held an arm around him and just let the feeling of being loved and safe run through him until Dean broke the silence.

"Dude,” he said and Cas looked up at him. “Just, you know, you said something about that you couldn’t show me everything and the whole you and shit and I get it, but it’s okay you know, I won’t judge you or back away or whatever and I just wanna get the chance to like love all of you and just… yeah,” he trailed off and Cas frowned at him.

“Thanks…?” he said slowly, cocking an eyebrow, and Dean snorted.

“The point is that you don’t have to be scared or hide from me, because you won’t make me unhappy and I won’t pull away. So, you know… just let me in,” he added and put a hand over Cas’ heart. Cas felt like a spear right through him. Somehow that little act managed to find an opening straight through every single defence wall he had, touching something right inside his soul. After a few moments of almost being in shock he felt electric warmth spread from his heart and out through his body and he lit up a little. “What?” Dean asked.

“I’m really glad you made me go out with you,” Cas replied and smiled a little bigger. Dean’s grip around him tightened and his nose stroked through Cas’ hair.

“That’s all I wanted to hear,” he said and Cas huffed a laugh. Dean sneaked a hand down to pull his sweater up a few inches and traced the tattoo with his fingers. “You know, you could always keep it,” he said and Cas felt a smile spread on his face. Dean was so transparent and blundering it was fucking endearing.

“Yeah, I suppose that’s an option,” he admitted.

“And this actually means you’re properly marked as mine, doesn’t it?” 

“Shut up, you’re being creepy,” Cas told him and pushed his hand away.

“But it does,” Dean insisted and was starting to grin. “The weird, rude guy with magnificent sweaters and a phone addiction is actually mine.” He was talking more to himself than to Cas by now, hugging him tighter with every word, and Cas just laughed at him. “I think this might be the most awesome thing ever,” Dean stated almost awestruck and Cas snorted and laughed even more.

“God, you’re pathetic.”

“I love you too, Cas, I love you too.”

\-------

Dean asked about Claire that night when they were lying in his bed and Cas finally told him. It hurt so bad and he was crying the whole time, but he still told him about when he’d found his little sister, pale and lifeless, how he’d held her and begged her to wake up, called his father only to be told to call an ambulance, sitting with her until they came and dragged him away from her and about the letter she’d left for him.

_Hi, Cassie. This isn’t your fault._

Cas could still remember Hester’s furious, teary look when she starting reading that note and she and Joshua just got through the first couple of lines before Claire starting writing to him only.

 _I love you so much, I really do. You’ve given me so much. Remember MoMA and how we got lost and thought we’d have to live on waffles forever? That’s still the best day I’ve ever had._

At first he’d wanted to keep the note, but eventually he’d thrown it away. He just couldn’t have it there anymore. Claire wouldn’t have wanted something as stupid as a piece of paper making him unable to let go anyway.

_Don’t let them make you feel bad, ever, because you’re wonderful and you know I wouldn’t lie._

Nevertheless he’d been something of a wreck ever since. Evidentially he still was.

_Now it’s time for me to say goodbye, but I’ll always watch over you. You’ve been my guardian angel my whole life and now it’s time for me to be yours. You’re going to be okay, Cassie. I love you._

When he felt like he was ripping apart inside he reached his arms out and Dean swiftly moved into them, holding him tighter than anyone ever had before, and Cas thought that maybe it was okay to need this person to hold him. Maybe it was okay to need him at all. It wasn’t that bad kind of consuming, depleting need; it was the undemanding, liberated kind. He could probably live with that.

Cas woke up in Dean’s bed the next morning with Dean’s arm thrown over his waist and life just seemed so perfect. He didn’t remember the last time he felt this peaceful. Potentially never. He traced a light finger down Dean’s nose, making him do a small face in his sleep. It was disturbingly cute. There were freckles splashed across his nose, over his cheeks and a few on his collarbones. Cas traced a finger along those too. Dean was gorgeous. In a moment of sentimentality Cas couldn’t believe how he could be so lucky. Dean made a small sound and nudged his nose against Cas’ hand in his sleep, like he’d been able to hear his thoughts. Cas was just brushing his hand through Dean’s hair when his phone starting ringing and snapped him out of the dreamlike bubble.

He slipped out of Dean’s arm and got out of bed to get his phone. “Yeah?” he murmured quietly, turning away from the bed and Dean.

_“Hi, it’s Dave. How’s it going?”_

“Fine, what do you want?” Cas said, feeling annoyed for being forced out of bed because of someone like _Dave_.

_“Yeah, so, listen, I talked to Kyle and he’s wondering if you have the number to that chick with hash?”_

“No, she pulled out.”

 _“What? Really?”_

“Yes, really,” Cas whispered annoyingly. He could feel his temper running lower by the second. And this had been such a good morning too.

_“Well, do you know anyone else with hash?”_

“It’s fucking 10 in the morning, I don’t give a damn about hash right now,” Cas said wearily, dragging a hand through his hair.

 _“But do you think you could-“_ Cas interrupted him by clicking the ‘End Call’ button, putting his phone on Dean’s desk.

“Hash?” came a sleepy voice from behind him and Cas closed his eyes with a sigh. When he looked over his shoulder Dean was supporting himself on an elbow and rubbing his eyes.

“Go back to sleep,” Cas said and dragged himself towards the bed again. When he reached the edge of it Dean’s arms went around him and threw him onto the matrass, settling on top of him with his head on Cas’ shoulder and a protective arm over his chest.

“Who was it?” he murmured, blowing warm breaths against Cas’ neck.

“I said sleep.”

“Should I be worried?”

“No,” Cas said, pulling his fingers through Dean’s hair and tracing them down his neck, “you shouldn’t.”

“Great,” Dean mumbled and then he was asleep again. Cas watched Dean’s lashes that were resting against the freckle-covered cheek and then he snuggled in closer underneath Dean’s arm and fell asleep again too.

\-------

Six months later Cas was standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom of his and Gemma’s shared apartment. His hair was wet from showering and dripping down onto his stomach as he was tracing a finger over the _Dean_ on his hip. It was still the cheesiest thing he could have ever gotten, but maybe it actually looked good enough to stay there. His eyes trailed up from his hip to his shoulder. Perhaps it was finally time to get that one for Claire now.

Keera was somewhere around twenty-five with ash blonde hair, several piercings in her ears and sweaters that was just as big as Cas’.

“So, Cas, what can I do for you?” she asked and pushed her phone into the breast pocket on her dungarees when Cas stood in front of the desk in the tattoo shop where she worked. Cas just took up his drawing pad from his bag and flickered through it until he found the right one. “Oh,” she said quietly when she saw the angel surrounded by roses and Cas bit his lip, feeling a nervous tug in his stomach. He felt really grateful, though, when she didn’t mention Claire and just stared copying the drawing instead. This would be hard enough anyway. 

He managed to not cry throughout the entire session and then the whole way over to Dean’s corridor, where he lived now that he was in college, but then he took one step inside Dean’s room and broke down in sobs.

“Shit, what’s wrong?” Dean asked and quickly crouched down next to his mess of a boyfriend.

“It just feels good,” Cas choked out. It did feel good, it really did, even though it hurt. It felt like a huge glass shard had been pulled out and leaving a fresh, clear wound to heal. Dean just put his arms around him and kissed his wet cheeks until he stopped crying, which Dean took as his cue to manhandle Cas out of his shirt and then stare at the tattoo. When Cas was starting to get goose bumps he snatched the t-shirt back and pulled it over his head. Dean was still looking at him like he knew everything moving in Cas’ head and Cas felt uncomfortably exposed.

“Don’t you have a new fucking movie to watch or something?” he snapped and Dean huffed a laugh and put on ‘Scott Pilgrim vs. the world’ on his laptop. Cas lay down on Dean’s bed and Dean shuffled up next to him, sitting up with his back against the wall. The movie was interesting but not interesting enough, so Cas buried his nose in Dean’s pillow instead and tried to not think about Claire. He felt raw inside, but it wasn’t much different from the first time he tried to mourn her. He was in the middle of working himself into getting seriously depressed when Dean lay down along his side and nuzzled his nose against his un-tattooed shoulder, trailing the tip of it up his neck and into his hair. He didn’t say anything, just lay there like a warm mass and breathed steadily. Cas couldn’t take how calm and soothing Dean was when he himself was a windstorm so he turned on his back and swallowed to keep his eyes from tearing up again. Dean lay down on Cas’ chest with his chin resting on his crossed arms and gave him a small smile. How dared he be so wonderful?

“You’re an asshole, you know that?” Cas told him sullenly and Dean started laughing. He put his hands against the mattress to push himself further up, causing their hips to drag together and Cas let out an astonished gasp. When Dean’s wide eyes shot up to Cas’ his pupils were dilated and his lips were parted, so Cas leaned up and flickered the tip of his tongue over them. When Dean stunned licked his lips Cas leaned up and kissed him again. Dean made a small noise, chasing after Cas’ lips when he lay back down, and slowly started moving his hips. It was intoxicating. 

“Please tell me you’ll sleep here tonight,” Dean mumbled and pushed a hand into Cas’ hair.

“Sure,” Cas replied and pushed his hands underneath Dean’s shirt, trailing fingers up his chest. Then there was shirt shedding and Dean pushed Cas over onto his stomach to press kisses to his shoulders and down his back, hips pushing against Cas’ ass the whole time. Cas bit his lip and tried not to moan. Dean’s breath fell on the soar tattoo and Cas shuddered and buried his face in Dean’s pillow when that sad feeling intensified again.

“It’s okay, Cas,” Dean said quietly into his ear. “I’m here.” Cas let out a long breath and let Dean’s hands work his jeans off him. It didn’t take too long of Dean fucking him before the bittersweet pleasure underneath Cas’ skin got too much and he groaned into Dean’s pillow. Dean’s hips stuttered and then he came with a moan, nose buried just behind Cas’ jaw. Life would be okay, Cas thought and sighed when Dean got off him. The mattress shook when Dean collapsed next to him and smiled lazily. Cas felt a laugh bubble up inside him and then he couldn’t stop.

“What?” Dean asked and looked at him like he’d gone crazy. Cas tried to sober up and pushed himself up to sitting.

“Nothing.”

“Tell me.”

“Seriously, it’s nothing.”

“Come on, tell me,” Dean nagged and turned to lie on his back. Cas just looked at him for a moment, looked at the way Dean’s cheeks were flushed and his hair was a blonde mess.

“I think Claire would have liked you,” Cas said and Dean’s grin fell.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Cas said and got off the bed. “I’m taking a smoke.” Dean just sighed and stayed in bed while Cas got dressed and went out the door. He’d barely taken the first drag though, when Dean sat down next to him on the stairs outside, put an arm around his shoulders and a kiss to his temple. Yeah, life would be okay.

\-------

Another eight months later Cas and Gemma was lying shoulder to shoulder in Gemma’s bed and listening to The Smiths while passing a bottle of Scotch back and forth. Cas sat up to pull his sweater over his head. When he threw it on his floor Gemma’s fingers moved up to rub at the rose pedals that were peeking up from the back of his shoulder.

“Shouldn’t you have one for me too?” Gemma said like it was a scandal that he didn’t and Cas huffed a laugh and lay down again.

“Shouldn’t you have one for me then?”

“Alright, we’ll get matching,” she said and pushed herself up to sitting. Cas propped himself up on his elbows and raised his eyebrow at her. “I said alright, okay?” she prompted and poked him in the chest.

“Okay, so what do you wanna get?” 

“I like words and stuff,” she said and took another swing of the bottle.

“Yeah, I know, but I’m not getting Italian for faith or something,” Cas said firmly and Gemma rolled her eyes.

“Fine,” she said and lay down again. “I think ‘endlessly’ is nice.” Cas turned the word over in his head a few times.

“I’ll think about it,” he said and Gemma raised the bottle in victory.

Zack, who was one of Gemmas’ friends’ friends and who Cas had accidentally made out with like four years ago, tried to draw the word ‘Endlessly’ three times before Cas just took the pencil and drew it himself. Zack only looked a little annoyed by it, but that was his problem, not Cas’. Gemma was giggling like crazy when he did it - probably nerves, Cas thought - and standing plastered to Cas’ side the entire time, her arms around his waist almost keeping him from breathing. Yeah, definitely nerves. By the time Gemma had the word on her left wrist and Cas had the same one on his right forearm she was practically bouncing and jumped up to smack their lips together in a pure overload of enzymes.

\-------

A couple of weeks later Cas was lying on his back in the grass in Central Park with Dean resting his head on his stomach and their fingers interlaced. The late August sun was the perfect level of warm for when you had to wear a sweater to keep a tattoo out of the sun and Cas was almost dozing off. 

“I don’t wanna go back to school this weekend,” Dean complained quietly and turned over to snake an arm around Cas’ waist.

“Then don’t,” Cas murmured and almost jumped when there was a light finger tracing a line down his throat.

“Maybe I’ll bring you with me.”

“Maybe I won’t let you.”

“Maybe I’ll kidnap you.” Dean’s voice was suddenly much closer and Cas opened his eyes to see that bright olive green colour looking down at him. A slow smile started spreading on Dean’s face and Cas propped himself up on his elbows.

“Maybe I’ll kidnap you first,” he said and Dean started grinning.

“Will there be chaining?” he tempted and Cas snorted and kissed him instead. Dean seemed satisfied with that too, because he tied a hand in Cas’ hair and pressed closer until Cas had his back against the ground again. When Dean put a hand on his ribcage Cas became aware of how fast his heart was beating. “Don’t go falling for someone at that grunge club you work at,” Dean threatened quietly against Cas’ lips.

“Don’t be stupid,” Cas murmured back and snuck a hand underneath the back of Dean’s t-shirt.

“Everybody hits on the bartender.”

“The bartender is busy pouring shots and missing his boyfriend,” Cas shot back and Dean snickered.

“Good, ‘cause I ain’t sharing.”

“Well, that’s a shame, because there was this guy who was really-“ Dean’s eyes narrowed almost comically fast and Cas snorted a laugh. “I’m joking.”

“You’re not allowed to say shit like that,” Dean muttered grumpily and lay down beside him. “You’re my rude weirdo.”

“Yours, until the rivers all run dry, in other words, until I die,” Cas mumbled as he gazed up at a cloud. Dean got a funny look on his face.

“That was awfully poetic.”

“It’s Arctic Monkeys,” Cas told him with a grin and Dean snorted. 

“Whatever, asshole.”

Cas went back to gazing at the cloud, but apparently lying next to him was too far away because it didn’t feel as nice without Dean pressed against him, so Cas rolled over until he was lying with an arm across Dean’s stomach and his nose against Dean’s jaw.

“Fuck off,” Cas mumbled sleepily when Dean drew a breath to say something and Dean just chuckled and took his hand again.

\-------

One year and a few months later Cas was happy. He and Dean had moved in together after Gemma went away to college to become a nurse a year after graduation. Keera had shown up while he was working at the club one night ages ago and introduced him to her friend who needed a poster made for his film degree project and then suddenly more commissions just started rolling in until he was able to quit at the bar almost one and a half year ago and draw for a living. The money wasn’t a fortune, but it was enough to get by. It was an incredibly bizarre feeling. 

It wasn’t like the normal everyday life was some glimmering fairy tale. There were fights and general shit, but there was an incredibly feeling of being at peace with life that Cas never thought would be real. He would get home after a long day of running errands and having meetings and drawing to hear rock music from the living room and the shower running, telling him Dean had just come home from some soccer related whatever. At one of those occasions he ventured inside the bathroom to get some aspirin for a headache, only to have Dean gripping his wrist and hauling him down into the overfilled bathtub, splashing water everywhere and getting Cas’ clothes completely soaked.

“Holy fucking shit, what the fuck are you doing?” Cas cursed loudly and tried to somehow separate his own limbs from Dean’s naked ones and not like _drown_. Dean just snickered and snaked arms around Cas’ back, pulling him down towards him until Cas was practically lying on his side on top of him.

“I was bored,” Dean said like that justified everything and flashed him a smile. Cas closed his eyes and sighed.

“You are so unbelievingly annoying.”

“I think you mean I keep things interesting,” Dean grinned and pecked Cas on the forehead with a finger. His green eyes shined at him with mischief and Cas laughed tiredly, just giving in. He was exhausted and wet and getting up didn’t seem any better than staying, so he did, leaning his forehead against Dean’s.

Then suddenly it was early December and Dean was starting to act strange. Cas had woken up on the couch with a blanket draped over him, his drawing pads on the floor and his pencil lying on the coffee table. He slowly sat up and yawned, rubbing his hands through his hair. The drawing he’d been working on when he apparently fell asleep on the couch had been a commission for a fantasy book cover. 

When he got into the kitchen to make coffee, Dean walked in at the same time as him and almost seemed jumpy. He shined up when he saw Cas standing there, even though Cas was pretty sure he looked like crap in yesterdays clothes and insane hair, and then he wound his arms around Cas’ waist and gave him a long kiss. Then he went on the next few days coming home late, saying he’d been working on a project for class, although it could be seen from miles that he was hiding something. Dean was the worst at lying. He would just fidget and sneak around, looking tense. Cas was getting immensely suspicious. 

On the forth day of this weird circus Cas got the horrible idea that maybe Dean was cheating on him. Maybe Cas wasn’t enough anymore. He felt it like a blow in the midriff and pressed himself closer against Dean’s back where he was asleep in bed, holding an arm tight over Dean’s waist and pressing his nose against Dean’s shoulder. When he woke up to Dean slowly kissing him the next morning he thought that maybe he wasn’t cheating after all. Probably. _Hopefully_ wasn’t cheating.

Cas still bought a pack of cigarettes that day for the first time in four months. Dean instantly pushed him over the kitchen counter as punishment when he realised he smelled like smoke.

The morning after, Cas had to go meet the woman who had ordered the fantasy book cover. He got up before Dean was awake and shuffled around the apartment, taking a shower and getting dressed. When he opened the cupboard to take down a coffee mug there was something laying in the one at the front of the shelf. He slowly lifted it down and stared down into the steel blue mug. In it was a small dark blue velvet box, looking just like a… Cas felt his heart starting to beat faster and he swallowed, suddenly finding it harder to breathe. He put the mug down and lifted the box out. _It couldn’t be._

Half a year ago Cas had sort of accidentally asked Dean to marry him and they hadn’t spoken of it since, just let it sit there until one day it would become relevant again.

_“I want us to get married, if only so I can wear a ring with your name on it.”_

_“Alright.”_

_“What?”_

_“I said alright.”_

_“You’re insane.”_

_“Hey, you’re the one asking!”_

Cas stared at the box. He didn’t dare to open it in case it wasn’t that kind of thing, so he quickly dashed over to the doorway to the bedroom.

“Dean?” he said quietly. Dean didn’t even stir, so Cas moved up to the bed and crawled up on it, sitting on his heels next to Dean. “Dean,” Cas repeated urgently and shook him a little. Dean cracked an eye open and his mouth was tugging upwards. Cas scowled down at him. He’d just been pretending to be asleep? Here Cas was about to lose it and Dean thought it was the time to mess with him? “Dean,” he said again and took a breath, only he didn’t know what to say. Instead he held up the box. “What is this?” Dean looked at the box and then up at Cas again.

“What does it look like?” he asked calmly with a smile. Cas was too stunned to know what to say, so Dean sat up and took the box, opened it to reveal a golden ring inside, took Cas’ left hand and simply slipped the ring on his finger. Cas stopped breathing. After a while Dean got a little worried look in his eyes and Cas remembered to inhale again. He lightly touched the ring with his thumb and swallowed the lump in his throat.

“It has our names on it,” Dean said gently and searched for Cas’ eyes. Cas felt his chest lighten and his eyes tear up and then he was crying like a baby with Dean’s arms around him. “Is that a yes?” Dean asked humorously and rubbed his back.

“Yes. Yeah. Fuck,” Cas sputtered and then laughed at himself. Dean just beamed at him and interlaced his fingers with Cas’.

“Husband,” he murmured, sentimental as always, and Cas could swear the world stopped around them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure where the uncontrollable urge to write this came from, but here we are. There were things that needed out and writing my Cas in oddly therapeutic for me. Honestly it's been a weird year mentally and even though getting stuck in day dreams is so tempting I needed to plant my feet in reality and let things go, and this was a way to do that.
> 
> Thank you very much for reading! I'll be eternally grateful.


End file.
